夏天很糟糕/剧本

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剧本

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永恒边缘城市

夏天很糟糕/剧本

大厨的巧克力咸酥球

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Mr. Garrison
• Mr. Hat
• Mr. Twig
• Mayor McDaniels
• Officer Barbrady
• Chef
• Stu
• Jimbo Kern
• Ned Gerblansky
• Tom Pusslicker
• Creamy Goodness
• Charlie, the Dyno Might pitchman
• Swimming Instructor
• Dr. Katz
• Brett Favre Green Bay QB, No. 4 (cameo)
• Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop
• South Park Elementary Orchestra Conductor

Script

夏天很糟糕
	South Park Elementary. In the final hour of the school year...
Mr. Garrison	Okay, children, now I know that today is the last day of school, and that the last day of school involves pranks, but this is going too far! What have you done with Mr. Hat?
	The kids stay silent.
Mr. Garrison	Children! I want Mr. Hat back, right now!
	Mr. Garrison pounds his desk in frustration.
Mr. Garrison	The prank is over!
	He pounds his desk again. The kids sit still.
Mr. Garrison	You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I can't live without him? Well, I can! He's just a puppet. I don't need him. You see? Watch.
	He starts waiting. Soon he grimaces, then he taps his thumbs together, then taps them faster.
Mr. Garrison	God damn it! Where the fuck did you put Mr. Hat?!
	He pounds his desk hard and the apple bounces away. The dismissal bell rings.
Kids	Yea--
Mr. Garrison	Oh no, you don't! The school year is over, but summer vacation doesn't start for you little bastards until Mr. Hat is back on my desk!
Kids	Awww..!
Mr. Garrison	Now, I'm going to turn around, and when I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat lying right here!
	Mr. Garrison turns to face the board.
Mr. Garrison	Okay. I'm going to turn around now.
	Mr. Garrison turns back toward the classroom, to find that all the kids except for Pip have left.
Mr. Garrison	Shit!
Pip	Where did everybody go?
	Outside. The kids bolt through the school's front door.
Kids	Yea!/Hooray!/Summer!
	The snow melts away, and a mound of it reveals a boy whose missing person's poster was in the back of the class. He gets up, and his parents rush up to meet him.
Mother	Oh golly, Kevin, honey.
Father	Good to see you again, son.
	The boys walk past a house where a man inhales in the warm breeze.
Man	Looks like winter's right around the corner. Better get some firewood ready.
	He uses a chainsaw on the tree in front of the house. Trees all over the area are coming down.
	A park, and kids are at play already. The boys walk through and meet Pip along the way.
Pip	Oh, happy summer, gentlemen!
Stan	Shut up, Pip.
Pip	Right-o. Uh... Enjoy some of this summer for me, would you?
Kyle	What do you mean?
Pip	Well, I have to spend my summer in summer school, because I can't be left alone. You see, my parents are dead.
Cartman	Your parents are dead? Goddamn, you suck, Pip!
	The boys laugh at him and walk away.
	The boys walk past a sign reading "Stu's Fireworks" with an arrow pointing right.
Stan	Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we gotta buy fireworks.
Kyle	I saved up enough to buy M-80s this year.
Stan	I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
Kyle	Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat.
Cartman	Eeyy! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants!
Stan	Jesus, Cartman!
Cartman	[Mumbles.] Well, I'm just saying na, don't mess with Kitty na.
	Stu's Firework Shack.
Stu	Hi, fellas.
Boys	Hi, Stu.
Stu	What can I do for you?
Kyle	We wanna buy M-80s.
Stan	The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's ass.
Cartman	Okay, that's it!
	Kenny laughs.
Cartman	Screw you guys! I'm going home.
	Cartman walks off.
Kyle	What a baby.
Stan	So, we'll have ten M-80s, please.
Stu	I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard?
Stan	Heard what?
Stu	All fireworks have been banned in Colorado.
Kyle	What do ya mean?
Stu	It was in the paper this morning.
	Headline: "North Park Kid Loses Hands in Firecracker Accident". The picture shows the armless boy with scars on his cheeks and a dismembered hand on the floor.
Kyle	Dude! Just 'cause some stupid North Park kid blew his hands off, we don't get to buy M-80s?
Stu	Right.
Stan	How can they do this to us? Doesn't anyone believe in tradition anymore?
Kyle	Yeah. We've been playing with firecrackers our whole lives.
	Flashback. Kyle remembers their days as toddlers. All four stand in a hallway holding lit firecrackers. Kyle tosses one up in the air and it pops. Kenny holds on to his, to his peril. It pops, and Kenny's head flies off his torso. The rest of the body falls over.
Stan	Oh gosh, killed Kenny!
Kyle	Oo bastards!
	Rats pile on the corpse and nibble away.
Stan	A summer without fireworks is like… I don't know, but it's like-- It sucks ass.
Kyle	Yeah, now what are we supposed to do?
	Stu pulls out a fireworks box and takes something out.
Stu	I can still sell snakes.
	Stu lights one up, sets it down, and watches it grow.
Stan/Kyle/ Kenny	Awww..!
	Meanwhile, over at City Hall, Mayor McDaniels is on the phone with someone.
Mayor McDaniels	This is absurd! We need fireworks for our Fourth of July celebration at the lake. [Listens.] I don't care that some twerp blew his hands off! We've got to have fireworks for our picnic! Hold on, I've got another call. [Switch.] Hello? No, I don't know where Mr. Hat is! Jesus, Garrison. I've got bigger problems! [Switch.] Hello, yes? Now what am I supposed to do about our Fourth of July show at the lake? No, I don't want snakes! This is an outrage! Get me the Mayor! I know that, smart-ass, I was being ironic..! [Hangs up.]
Officer Barbrady	[Emerging from under her desk.] I'm sorry, Mayor, but I couldn't find the little man in the boat.
Mayor McDaniels	Well, keep looking. [Pushes him down.]
Officer Barbrady	Oh?
Mayor McDaniels	This is ridiculous. We can't have a celebration without fireworks. Whoever heard of a Fourth of July picnic with snakes?
Officer Barbrady	[From under the desk.] Oh, I like snakes. You light 'em and they grow and grow.
Mayor McDaniels	Wait a minute. That's it! I got it! This Fourth of July, South Park will make history by having the largest snake in the world! The press will love it. I'll be on the front pa-- [Swoons.] Oooooogh...
Officer Barbrady	I found him.
	Bus Stop. The boys (still wearing coats) stand still, completely oblivious.
Stan	Man, it's hot out here.
Cartman	What do you guys want to do? We've got the whole summer to play!
Kyle	Dude, what are we supposed to do? We always just play with fireworks.
Stan	I know! Let's go sledding!
Kyle	Yeah!
	Top of a hill. The boys have brought their sled, and Cartman is left to go on.
Stan	Come on, Cartman, get on.
Cartman	Stan?
Kyle	Let's go, dude. We're ready.
Stan	What the hell are you waiting for, Cartman?
Cartman	Guys? Don't you notice anything wrong with this picture?
Kyle	Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled!
Cartman	Ugh... Whatever.
	He hops on. The sled goes down just a bit, then stops.
Stan	What the hell is going on?
	Jimbo and Ned drive by in their Hummer.
Jimbo	Hey there, boys!
Stan	Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
Jimbo	How come you're not blowin' things up? It's summer.
Kyle	Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks 'cause a little boy blew off his hands.
Jimbo	What?!
Stan	Yeah, they're not even having them at the lake this year.
Jimbo	Oh my God! [Revs up.] Well, don't worry boys, Uncle Jimbo is on the case. [Drives off.] Buckle your seat belt, Ned.
Ned	Mmmm-where are we going?
Jimbo	México, my amigo.
Ned	Mmmm-why are we going to México?
Jimbo	To buy fireworks. Just 'cause some kid blew off his hands doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer, now, does it?
Ned	Are fireworks legal in Mexico?
Jimbo	Hell, everything's legal in México. It's the American way.
	Jimbo drives through mountains in the distance.
	Back at City Hall, the Mayor is holding a meeting. A man is shown with an easel and a large notebook.
Charlie	At the Dyno Might Firework Company, we have a commitment to excellence. Our focus is on safety while--
Mayor McDaniels	Just cut to the chase and tell us about the snake!
Charlie	Oh, o-kay. [To himself.] Let's see...
	He turns the pages up and over. Page 1: Dyno Might Safe and Spicy; Section 1: Introduction; Section 2: Safety Features; Section 3: We Value the Customer... Now to design specifications.
Charlie	Now, the disk that we are making is approximately 5,000 times bigger than the average snake.
Mayor McDaniels	Ooooh!
Charlie	We'll have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters and lower it onto the ground at the lake.
Mayor McDaniels	[Writes notes.] Comanche helicopters...
Charlie	[Flips page.] Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all set up around the perimeter of the disk, that are all triggered to fire at the same time.
Mayor McDaniels	...flamethrowers, triggered at the same time...
	Charlie flips the page. A giant smiling snake is shown rising out of the disk.
Charlie	Once lit, the snake will grow.
	He turns the page and vaudevillian Abe Vigoda is shown.
Charlie	And good times will be had by all.
	The Mayor and her aides clap.
Aide 1	Wonderful.
Aide 2	Spectacular.
Mayor McDaniels	Well, you see? Fireworks at the lake will not only go on, but perhaps be the best ever. Wait a minute! We're gonna need an orchestra to play The Stars and Stripes!
Aide 1	Hey! How about the elementary school orchestra? They had a great version of Mary Had a Little Lamb at their last concert.
Mayor McDaniels	Yes! Get the school principal on the phone! And we need somebody to dress up like Uncle Remus!
Aide 2	Uh, Mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam?
Mayor McDaniels	Of course I do, you fuckin' asshole!
	On the side of a road. The boys are building a snowman, but out of mud. A mudman.
Kyle	[Singing.] Dusty the dirtball...
Stan	Why does everything have to suck so bad in summer?
Kyle	Hey, look, it's Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison	Hello, children. How is your summer going?
Stan	Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle	Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?
Mr. Garrison	Oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
Stan	That's good.
	Long pause.
Mr. Garrison	Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
Kyle	Yup.
	Long pause.
Mr. Garrison	Mr. Hat isn't real.
Stan	Right.
	Long pause. Mr. Garrison walks away.
Cartman	Hey, you guys, my mom signed me up for swimming lessons at the community pool. You wanna come?
	Kenny, Stan and Kyle laugh at him.
Stan	Swimming lessons? Dude, that is the lamest thing I've heard heard.
Cartman	It is not!
Stan	Everyone knows that the first graders pee in the community pool.
Kyle	Yeah, Cartman, you're swimming around in first-grader pee.
Cartman	I am not swimming around in pee!
Stan	Whatever, dude.
Cartman	My mom says that if I take swimming lessons, I could be in the Olympics someday.
Kyle	[Grins with Stan.] Yeah, the Fat Ass Olympics.
Cartman	I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation! I don't need to hear crap from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial! Screw you guys! I'm going home.
Stan	But Cartman, we're trying to--
Cartman	Uh, screw you guys. Home. [Leaves.]
Stan	What does he mean, "living in denial"?
Kyle	Dude, it's Cartman. He's just being a dumb-ass like always.
	Stan hops up to put a carrot on the mudman as a nose.
Stan	There, how does that look?
Kyle	Like a..big hunk of dirt with a carrot sticking out of it.
Stan	Uh, crap..!
	Community Pool. Kids are swimming and diving, and a lifeguard looks over the scene. Cartman, however dips his toes into the water and shudders.
Cartman	Eh-eh-eh-eh...
	He backs away as the instructor blows her whistle.
Instructor	Okay kids, everyone in the pool!
	The kids jump in.
instructor	Come on, Eric, we're gonna start now.
Cartman	Nuh-uh.
Instructor	Just jump in.
Cartman	I don't wanna.
Instructor	It's not gonna hurt ya, hon. Just do it.
	Cartman holds his breath, covers his nose and jumps in.
Cartman	Egh--
	He comes up and treads water. Cartman splutters.
Instructor	There you go! Now just let the first graders swim by you, and then head towards us.
Cartman	Huh? First graders?
	They swim by, but stop to look at him. Yellow pools of pee appear in front of them. They swim away.
Cartman	Awww! Weak! Weak! Oh, y-you sons of bitches!
	South Park. Stark's Pond. Bleachers are being set up for the Fourth of July picnic, and a chili and doughnut stand goes up.
Mayor McDaniels	Where the hell is our firework? We only have 24 hours!
Aide 2	I'm sure it'll be here any second.
Mayor McDaniels	Shut up!
Aide 2	Copy that.
	Meanwhile, at a stage where the children of South Park Elementary are practicing The Stars and Stripes...
Conductor	Okay, children, I'm sure we're a little rusty. Where is Eric Cartman?
Stan	He's taking swimming lessons.
Conductor	Oh, dear. How are we supposed to sound good without our French horn section? Oh, let's try some scales first. C scale first. And...
	They start playing the scale (F# first), but everyone is playing out of key, creating a god-awful mix of noises.
Conductor	Okay, that was pretty good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No. 5.
	They try, but it is yet another god-awful mix of noises.
Mayor McDaniels	Oh, we're doomed. Our Fourth of July celebration is going to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf little shits playing.
	She see something.
Mayor McDaniels	Wait a minute... It's the snake!
	The snake appears over the mountain transported by the three Comanche helicopters. Everyone stops to watch.
Officer Barbrady	Let's move along, people. If you've seen one giant snake-thingy firework, you've seen them all.
Mayor McDaniels	Call everybody! The show's back on! Come on, we've only got one day to prepare!
	Mexico. Jimbo and Ned pass by a store that sells cohetes. They stop and walk back to it.
Jimbo	Buenos dias, mi amigo. Yo soy un Americano espectacularrr.
Proprietor	¿Qué?
Jimbo	Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularrrr.
Proprietor	¿Necesita usted un cohete grande?
Ned	Nnnn-no moleste el gato spectacularrrr.
	The proprietor pulls out a large box and places it on the counter.
Jimbo	Would you look at that, Ned? That's a Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies have enough power to blast a fiery hole right through the ozone.
Ned	Mmmm-they're spectacularrrr.
Jimbo	Ned, it's our job to get these to children all over America for the Fourth of July.
	He and Ned take a rocket each.
Jimbo	We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas morning.
Ned	Hmmm-bueyno.
	Mr. Garrison's house. Garrison is on his chair, looking at the TV tensely. Then the telephone rings...
Mr. Garrison	Hello?
Caller (Mr. Mackey)	Hello, is Mr. Hat there?
Mr. Garrison	Is this some kind of joke?
Caller (Mr. Mackey)	[snickers] Yes.
Mr. Garrison	You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! I'm gonna find out who you are!
Caller (Mr. Mackey)	I don't think you can, m'kay.
	Mr. Garrison hangs up.
Mr. Garrison	Goddammit..!
	He turns on the TV to PBS, when Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop are on.
Shari Lewis	So, Lamb Chop, what would you like to do today?
Lamb Chop	Well, I'd like to sing you a song.
Shari	Hey, let's sing one to-gether!
Lamb Chop	As long as we're together, we can do anything We can take on the whole darn world We're happy as clams, with plenty of pearls Through thick and thin, we've always been to-geth-er...
	Mr. Garrison descends into madness as the song progresses, until he imagines himself going to her studio.
Shari	Whoa-aagghh! Aagghh! Aggh!
	Mr. Garrison approaches, and with a small ax, chops off Lamb Chop from Shari's hand and tosses it onto a lit barbecue grill. Flames rise up and engulf Lamb Chop.
Shari	No! Lamb Chop, no!
Lamb Chop	Shari, help me... It burns! It burns..!
	Mr. Garrison is shown smiling away on his armchair, having dreamed out his anger.
	Meanwhile, over at the Community Pool. The swimming instructor has five swimmers in front of her at the deep end, and Cartman stands alone at the shallow end.
Instructor	Eric, you have to get in the deep end sooner or later.
Cartman	Later's fine.
Instructor	Just do your side stroke.
Cartman	I only know how to do it doggie style.
Instructor	That's doggie-paddle, Eric. Now come over here!
Cartman	Can I do it doggie style?
Instructor	Okay.
	Cartman starts paddling towards her.
Instructor	That's it! That's it, you can do it!
Cartman	Sweet..!
	Three first graders swim by, leaving yellow trails. That stops him.
Cartman	Awww, dammit! Aw, not again!
Instructor	Come on, Eric!
Cartman	No way! Those sons of bitches! I'm going home.
	News 4. Our top story tonight...
Anchor	Fourth of July is finally here, and with the state-wide ban on fireworks, people from all over Colorado are flocking to South Park. Here with a special report is a normal-looking guy with a funny name.
Creamy Goodness	Thanks, Tom. It looks like the firework ban won't be putting a damper on one town's festivities tonight. I'm here at Stark's Pond in South Park, where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists anxiously await the lighting of the largest snake in human history.
	Some of the folks have picnic blankets set out and many are mugging for the camera.
Creamy Goodness	Now, as most of you will probably remember, snakes are these little round disks that you light, and they spew out a little snake of black ash. Well, the South Park snake is over half a mile in diameter, and twenty stories high. I'm told that this event won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us.
	So it is said, so it is done.
Creamy Goodness	Alrighty then, looks like we're ready.
	Orchestra stage. Everyone is present and ready to play.
Stan	How are your swimming lessons going, Cartman?
Cartman	Fine.
Kyle	I heard you won't even get in the deep end.
Cartman	Well, you heard wrong, hippie!
	A wide view of Stark's Pond and everyone in the area around it. Then, the mayor is on the main stage with her aides about to address the crowd.
Mayor McDaniels	Ladies and gentlemen, good citizens of Colorado. It's my pleasure to be the first person to wish you all a happy Fourth of July! Let's start with our school band playing The Stars and Stripes!
Conductor	This is it. And a-one and a-two and a...
	The kids begin to play, and the result is as bad as in practice. The audience members are covering their ears.
Audience	Ooohhhh..!
Mayor McDaniels	What is fuck is that?!
Aide 2	I think it's The Stars and Stripes.
Mayor McDaniels	Oh, hell. Light the snake!
	Everyone cheers. About 57 people with flamethrowers step forward and fire up the snake.
Audience	Ooooooh!
	The snake begins to bulge.
Audience	Ahhhhh!
	The Mayor is pleased with success.
	Mexico; night. Jimbo and Ned are almost close to the border.
Jimbo:	Alright, Ned. Now we're coming up to the American border. They can't know that we have fireworks in the trunk. Just let me do the talking.
	Ned says nothing. Jimbo laughs.
Jimbo	I guess that goes without saying, doesn't it?
	Jimbo laughs some more. They arrive at the Border. Jimbo and Ned drive up. The border guard greets them.
Guard	Good evening, gentlemen.
Jimbo	Hello there, fellow American. We're just anxious to get back to our homeland.
Guard	Alright, I just need to ask you a few questions.
Jimbo	Fire away, we have nothing to hide.
Guard	Is anyone other than the two of you traveling in this vehicle?
Jimbo	No, sir.
Guard	Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
Jimbo	Yes. [Ned recoils.] I mean, no! No!
	The gurad brings out his flashlight and turns it on.
Guard	Open your trunk, please, sir.
	He moves toward the trunk.
Jimbo	Damn! Damn! I always get that question wrong!
	Stark's Pond. The crowds are still cheering and the band is still playing, and the snake is still growing. Cartman intently turns a page at his sheet music.
Mayor McDaniels	My God, it's beautiful. It never fails to amaze me how I manage to overcome adversity.
	The snake is still growing, and the Mayor frowns.
Mayor McDaniels	Say uh, Charlie, when does that thing die out?
Charlie	Die out?
Mayor McDaniels	Yes, you know, expire, end.
	Long pause. Charlie looks up and back.
Mayor McDaniels	Hello? I'm asking you when it stops?
Charlie	Uhhh, I'm not sure; I never made one this big.
	The snake keeps growing.
Charlie	I guess we didn't quite think this through, did we?
Mayor McDaniels	What?!
Kyle	[Looking up.] Dude! That thing is huge!
Stan	Yeah, they need to shut it off.
Cartman	[Distracted.] Hey! You guys are screwin' up the song!
	The crowd becomes nervous as well as awed.
Man 1	Somebody stop it!
Man 2	It's out of control!
	Everyone runs away screaming as the snake starts to bend, then part of the snake falls off.
Crowd	[Crowd Screaming]
Kids	[Kids Shriek]
	All the children jump off the stage. Kenny, however...
Kyle	Kenny! Watch out!
	The piece of the snake hits the stage.
Kenny	(Waarrggh!!)
	Kenny jumps clear and lands under the bleachers.
Kenny	(Dude! You guys, I really, really don't have time to tell you that-- Argghh..!)
	The snake mows down the bleachers, crushing Kenny.
Stan	Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle	You bastard!
Mayor McDaniels	[Horrified.] Oh my God! [Grabs Charlie.] You tell me, how much longer this thing is gonna last?!
Charlie	Let's see. A normal-size snake lasts three minutes... [Mutters indistinctly.]
Mayor McDaniels	So when does it run out?!
Charlie	November. Of next year.
Mayor McDaniels	Oh, hell..!
Townspeople	[Crowd Screaming]
	People are running and screaming away from the snake. Kyle picks up a violin and starts playing a dirge. Stan returns and looks at him, then takes up his own violin. Cartman, Bill, Fosse, and Token join in and take up their instruments; and they all start playing "Nearer My God To Thee" in tune.
Townspeople	[Crowd Clamoring]
	July 5th, 6 a.m., Stark's Pond. News 4 coverage resumes.
Creamy Goodness	Well, we're coming up on nine hours, and the giant snake of South Park shows no signs of stopping. Residents have tried everything from fire-hoses to yelling at it to make the snake stop, but nothing seems to work.
Tom	Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe the ashen air, and not ever light any giant snakes in the near future.
	The snake is now some thirty feet wide and moving down South Park's main thoroughfare, incinerating everything in its path.
Stan	Man, this sucks.
Kyle	What should we do, dude? That big snake keeps growing; it's gonna demolish the whole state soon!
Stan	We should do what we always do. Ask Chef for help.
Cartman	Where is Chef?
	Somewhere, in the Caribbean, Chef is singing to three waitresses, one of them holding a phone.
Chef	[Slowly.] Baby, you know you're the girl for me-ee And all that I want to be-ee-ee is... [Quickly.] You and me And her; simultaneous You and me, and you and you Simultaneous lovin', baby Two or three; simultaneous Ooh, that's right... [The phone rings and Chef answers it.] Hello? What? Oh, hello, children. It's a what?... A giant snake?... Killing everybody?!... Growing bigger?!... Children, you know I rarely say this but... Well, fudge ya. [He hangs up and resumes singing.] Simultaneous, you and me And you and you Simultaneous lovin', baby Two or three...
	South Park. The smoke is heavy in the air. Stan hangs up the phone.
Kyle	What'd he say?
Stan	Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman	Wow.
Kyle	How is that gonna help?
	National News, on the U.S. map behind the anchor, the snake is shown having separated into four snakes. The first has gone through the Northwest and backtracked into Canada. The second has gone into the Great Plains and is headed for the East Coast. The third has gone down into Texas and the South, and the fourth has gone through the Southwest and is now in Northern Mexico.
Anchor	All over America, the effects of the giant ash snake of South Park can be seen.
	Utah, Mormons are gathered for a baptism at a river.
Preacher	Yea, let the spirit of Heavenly Father be blessed upon you.
	The preacher dunks the catechumen into the river.
Assistant	From this day on, all will be well.
	The new member pops up.
New Mormon	I already feel like things are getting better.
	Snake One comes and engulfs them all.
	New York.
Mr. Garrison	And I can't sleep or think...
	Inside a psychiatrist's office, Mr. Garrison lies on a couch.
Mr. Garrison	Where would he have gone? Why would he leave?
Dr. Katz	Well um, let me ask you this. Why? Wher-where do you think... Mr. Hat... went?
Mr. Garrison	How the fuck should I know? If I knew that, I wouldn't be seein' a fuckin' psychiatrist, would I?
Dr. Katz	Well… I guess, I-I see what you're saying. Yeah.
Mr. Garrison	At first I was sure one of the children took him, but then I remembered that Mr. Hat and I actually had a fight that morning.
Dr. Katz	Um... Ahem...
	Long pause.
Dr. Katz	Are you gay?
Mr. Garrison	What?!
Dr. Katz	[Stammers.] It-it's j-just-- It's just a question.
Mr. Garrison	Are you propositioning me?
Dr. Katz	No.
Mr. Garrison	Well, I can tell that that I am 100% not gay!
Dr. Katz	Well, I believe you, I... absolutely believe you.
Mr. Garrison	Mr. Hat, on the other hand...
Dr. Katz	Mr. Hat was gay?
Mr. Garrison	Sometimes he fantasizes about same-sex relations.
Dr. Katz	I see.
Mr. Garrison	Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he was in a sauna with Brett Favre, and a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
Dr. Katz	That I did not need to know.
Mr. Garrison	Well, I'm just sayin'.
Mr. Katz	Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was actually your gay side trying to come out. You see, it's-it's you that's gay, but, but you're in denial, so...you act out your gay persona with a homosexual puppet.
	Mr. Garrison doesn't say anything.
Dr. Katz	What do you think about that?
Mr. Garrison	I think you're the loony one in this room.
	Snake Two bounds over several buildings, knocking them off their foundations. It smashes through the window and burns Dr. Katz to the bone.
Mr. Garrison	Serves you right, you gay-bashing homo.
	Meanwhile, inside a Texas prison, Jimbo and Ned share a cell.
Jimbo	Well, Ned, looks like we missed Fourth of July again.
Ned	Mmmmmmm-yup.
Jimbo	Dammit! Those poor kids must have been so disappointed to have nothin' but them stupid wussy snakes to light.
Ned	Mmm-well better luck next year.
Jimbo	Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try again.
Ned	[Reads cue card.] Mmmm-is anyone other than the two of you riding in this vehicle?
Jimbo	No.
Ned	Mmmm-do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
Jimbo	[Hesitantly.] Yes?
	Ned shakes his head.
Jimbo	Dammit! I got it wrong again! What's the answer again?
	Snake Three makes its way to the prison and smashes through the wall of their cell. Jimbo is startled.
Jimbo	Holy smokes! What the hell is that?
Ned	Mmm-it looks like my ex-wife!
Jimbo	Quick, Ned! This is our chance! The Hummer's outside!
	Green Bay, Wisconsin. Sports Spa. Brett Favre enters and removes his shirt, but keeps his towel on. Mr. Hat is already seated on the lower bench.
Brett Favre	Hi. I hasn't seen you in here before.
	Mr. Hat blinks and looks at him.
	City Hall. The coverage continues.
Reporter	As more and more cities are affected by the growing ash and the death toll rises to 3,000...
	A tree inexplicably falls over.
Reporter	...people from all over the country are looking to the Mayor of South Park for answers.
	The hall doors open and the Mayor's aides step forward.
Reporter	...And it appears as if the Mayor is going to explain matters now.
Aide 1	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Mayor of South Park regrets that she cannot be here herself, but she is... sick.
Reporter 2	"Sick"?! What kind of lame excuse is that?
Print Reporter	You gotta be kidding me!
Reporter 3	Oh, this is ridiculous!
Reporter 4	Come on, we want answers.
Aide 2	Sh-she's having her period.
	The reporters fall silent. Reporter 3 gasps quietly.
Reporter 4	[Softly.] Oh.
Aide 1	We do, however, have an official statement for all the concerned cities about the matter with the giant snake that we can't seem to put out.
	Aide 2 pulls out a statement and reads it.
Aide 2	"We're sorry. Our bad."
Aide 1	Thank you, that is all.
	They turn around and go back into City Hall. The reporters are left grousing.
	Meanwhile at the Community Pool. Notice reads: POOL CLOSED Due to Hazardous SNAKE FIREWORK Cartman is all alone in the swimming pool.
Cartman	Okay. No first graders around. I can swim to the deep end.
	He starts swimming to the deep end.
Cartman	Yeah... I can do it. I can do it. I can-- I'm gonna make it.
	From his view. The diving board is getting closer and closer.
	Meanwhile, in outer space, the snakes can be seen growing longer and longer across the face of the nation.
	Back at Stark's Pond, the disk is still producing the snake. Stan and Kyle sit under a tree with nothing to do, and next to them a man rests on a poster with a message: "Repent - The end is here".
Stan	How many days left in summer?
Kyle	A lot, I think.
Stan	Dammit! I just want it to snow again!
Kyle	I don't think it matters, dude. This giant snake is gonna kill everyone soon.
	Jimbo and Ned arrive.
Jimbo	Buenos gracias, boys.
Stan	Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
Jimbo	Oh, now, why the long faces?
Kyle	We're bored.
Stan	There's nothin' to do.
Jimbo	Well, I don't think those are problems...
	Jimbo
Jimbo	...that some Tijuana bottle rockets can't solve!
Stan/Kyle	Hooray!
Jimbo	Careful with those, now, those are dangerous.
	Stan and Kyle set up the rockets and Jimbo lights them. The rockets are as big as the boys.
Jimbo	Point 'em away from your eyes, now.
Kyle	Wow! These are huge!
Jimbo	Aw, look at 'em, Ned. Look how much happiness a little firepower can bring to a child.
	The rockets are launched and they head for the snake. Upon impact, the snake falls apart, and the base of it loses its fire. Ash now rains down upon everyone.
Stan	Hey, look! We blew up the snake!
	Everyone cheers.
Citizen	All the ash from the snake is putting the flame out.
Jimbo	Well, how do you like that? Bottle rockets saved the Fourth of July!
Stan/Kyle	Hooray!
	A crowd begins to gather, meanwhile, back at the community pool, Cartman has almost reached his goal.
Cartman	I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it to the deep end.
	He touches the wall at the 9½ foot mark.
Cartman	I did it! I did it! I made it to the deep end! Hooray for me!
Instructor	[Off-screen.] The snake's been destroyed. [Removes notice.] The pool's open!
Cartman	Huh?
	All the first graders jump into the pool, the water turns yellow in a matter of seconds.
Cartman	Oh, no, you sons of bitches! Aww, sons of bitches..!
	He makes his way out along the edge of the pool.
	Stark's Pond.
Citizen 2	Look! They put out the snake!
	Everyone cheers.
Mayor McDaniels	Yes! Apparently, my plan to-o blow up the snake worked perfectly.
	Ned, Jimbo, Stan and Kyle look at her.
Kyle	Hey, look! It's snowing!
	The others, and the crowd, look and ponder.
Jimbo	Well, it's snowing black ash, but what the hell.
	Clyde, Annie, Red, and Token, cheer, and dance around in the ash.
	The mountains are now capped in ash. Stan and Kyle work on an ash man, and Pip is singing with his family once again. (His parents are not dead.) Clyde and another kid take a sled down an ash drift.
Stan	Winter's back!
	Mr. Garrison walks up with Mr. Twig, his new puppet which is a stick with a little purple shirt with a pink triangle on it.
Mr. Garrison	Wow, it's a black blizzard!
Kyle	Mr. Garrison, where's Mr. Hat?
Mr. Garrison	Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a two-timin' whore. From now on, children, you're all gonna be learning from Mr. Twig.
Mr. Twig	That's right, children. I'll see you in the fall.
Stan	Well, I can hardly wait.
	South Park, a few days later, Chef drives up and steps out of his car.
Chef	Hey, children, everybody! I'm back! I'm back from Aruba! What the..?
	Before him, some kids play on ash-covered ground. They are pretty much in blackface. Cartman has joined Stan and Kyle in working on the ashman.
Stan	Hey, Chef!
Cartman	How's it going?
	Chef looks left. A couple is clearing out ash from the main street.
Man	Howdy, Chef. How was your summer vacation?
	Long pause.
Chef	Okay! E-verbody get in a line, so I can whoop all your asses!
	End Credits. "Simultaneous Lovin'" plays.
夏天很糟糕 结束