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Leftarrow 素食风潮 万圣节草特辑/剧本 季末终章 Rightarrow

出场角色

剧本

万圣节草特辑
Tegridy Farms, day. The farm is decked out for Halloween. In the living room, Randy brings out more Halloween decorations. Sharon is working on her laptop, Stan is busy on his phone
Randy
[dances in with a Jack O'Lantern] It's the most wonderful time of the year. [puts it on the table] Well? You all excited, gang?
Stan
For Halloween? I guess so.
Randy
Ugh, this isn't any Halloween, because this week, Tegridy Weed is doing a Halloween special. It's big promotional thing. Everyone's gonna love it. Hey, wuh-where's Shelly?
Sharon
Shelly hasn't come out of her room in two days.
Randy
Why?
Sharon
[angrily] You know why, Randy.
Randy
[Sighs] Yeah. Yeah. [Sharon glances at him]
Shelly's room, later. Her door is open, and Randy walks in
Randy
Hey, Shelly? Can I talk to you for a minute?
Shelly
What do you want?
Randy
Come on, kiddo. [sits on her bed and motions for her to sit next to him] Come talk with your old man, huh? Coem on now. [Shelly leaves ehr desk to sit on the bed] Shelly, we need to talk about your marijuana problem. You know, what's your problem with it?
Shelly
I hate marijuana!
Randy
Yes, we all know, but ugh, why?
Shelly
It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are!
Randy
Shelly, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed. Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed?
Shelly
Yes, everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pothead!
Randy
Ugh, way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world?
Shelly
Serena Williams
Randy
Total stoner. High as a kite. Every tennis match.
Shelly
No she's not!
Randy
You don't know that, Shelly! Now you're just making assumptions!
Shelly
Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish Marijuana was illegal again!
Randy
[gasps and stands up] Shelly! [begins to pace the room] Okay, loook. The thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana? It's just got to stop, okay? We're working on out Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay?? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it! I love you! [leaves and closes the door]
The Egyptian Artifact exhibit at the Denver Museum, day. A shadow appars, followed by the person casting it: Butters
Butters
[looks around] Whoa. Very impressive. [strokes his chin] Indeed. [walks up to a plaque nad readsit with a loupe]
Stephen
[lookin gon with Linda] Find anything good, Butters/
Butters
One minute, Dad! Archeologist Butters just needs to get his stamo and sticker for his autograph book. [gets a sticker of Baster and a stamp] Aha! another rare find!
Stephen
Well, did you all enjoy the museum, gang?
Butters
Well wait wait, we can't leave yet! I got all the stickers and tamps except for one!
Stephen
Well I'm pretty sure we saw the whole exhibit.
Butters
Can I just check around one last time?
Stephen
Alright, Archeologist Butters, but then meet us back right here.
Butters
Well o-kay!
An Egyptian funeral ship. A guide is explaining its varioys aspects
Guide
What you're seeing here are original knots which were joined in the main pieces of the Khufu boat. The cedar timbers of the boat's hull were lashed together with hemp rope, a technique used until-
Randy
Whoa! Whoa! Wait just one second! Are you actually saying that hemp, a classification of cannabis [Shelly looks at him], was actually used by he ancient Egyptians? [strikes a pondering pose]
Shelly
Well yes. In fact, it's been found that cannabis was used by Egyptians for its medical properties as well.
Randy
Hold the freaking phone! You're telling us that marijuana has been used throughout the centuries-?
Shelly
Is this why you brought me here?
Randy
No, I d-, I'm just, I'm surprised that-
Shelly
You said you wanted a special day with just your daughter. You said a father-daughter day at the museum could help us connect.
Randy
And, and it is, Shelly. We're havin' a great time!
Shelly
I don't care if Egyptians used stupid pot! [runs off in anger]
Randy
[noticing the stares, stands up] She has a marijuana problem. Shelly! [runs after her]
The Egyptian Artifact exhibit, at the same time. Butters retraces his steps
Butters
Been there... Saw that... Where's that stupid last sticker stamp? [sees a hallway he missed earlier] What's this? [he sees something ahead of him that excites him and runs to it. The sarcophagus of Took-tan Ra]
Butters
Whoa... [gets to the exhibit and reads through his loupe] "Sarcophagus and mummified remains of Egyptian royalty." This is it! My last sticker! [gets ready to stamp his sticker book...]
Jud
[interrupting] That's the mummy of Took-tan Ra. You don't wanna put that stamp in your sticker book. Nobody puts that stamp in their sticker book.
Butters
But this is my last one!
Jud
It's got a curse on it. Ancient love cure not fit for any child. You can look at the mummy all you like, but... you don't want that stamp... in your sticker book.
Butters
[looks at his sticker book] Haha, that's okay. I'm no ordinary child. I am Archeologist Butters! [stamps his sticker book and runs off happily. He doesn't motice the brief glow the stamp gives off] Happy Halloween, Mister!
Jud
[watching him go] For some of us, maybe.
Tegrisy Farms, day. In the barn, Randy paces back and forth while talking to Towelie.
Randy
It's just so hard being a parent sometimes, you know? I've tried everything to get through to my daughter. I took her to a laser show, I played her all of Dark Side Of The Moon, but... it's like... it's like there's something in her head that just doesn't get it!
Towelie
That's awful, Randy. I'm sorry.
Randy
It's just- I have to live my life, you know? I can't let her problems with marijuana drag me down anymore.
Towelie
No, you're right You're toally right.
Randy
So, anyway, hey. How's the Halloween Special comin' along?
Towelie
The Halloween Special? Oh it's ready.
Randy
It's ready?
Towelie
Yeah, it's right over here. [shows Randy the way to the new plants]
Randy
O-ho wow! The Halloween Special! I'm so excited to try it.
Towelie
Yeah, it's basically a hybrid of our Tegridy Gold and Colorado Kush. Turned out really great, I think.
Randy
[inhales the aroma] Oh, wow, that is nice! I'd like to see anyone compete with this Halloween Special.
Butters' house, night. He's asleep in his bedroom, on his right side. He flips over to his left side, and the stamp begins to glow. Something goes thump and Butters sits up, wide awake. He hears a knock
Butters
M-Mon? [two knocks] ...Dad? [the door bursts open and a mummy walks in. Butters screams as the mummy trashes the room. The mummy then grabs Butters... and hugs him. Butters calms down] A lttle... Why. Oh. Okay. Oh. Okay. Okay. Oh that's okay. [softly] That's okay. There you go. [the mummy lets go and sits on the bed next to him, presenting him with a gift] Form, for me? Oh, thank you. [takes the gift and opens it] Oh wow! A Fitbit! [the mummy murmurs something] Why thank you. Thank you. I... actually already have a Fitbit, but I could-
Mummy
Huh?!
Butters
I could give this one to a friend. [the mummy growls and stands up angrily] I just... I have one, so... [the mummy goes into a rage and finishes trashing the room, then just turns around and leaves]
Tegridy Farms, kitchen, night. Shelly is cooking up a strange brew on a hot plate in her room.
Shelly
Furniture polish, paint thinner and bleach.

Ammonia and antifreeze. One tablespoon each. I hate everybody, I just like to read. Everyone's stupid. They smoke too much weed. So with this eldritch potion and these ancient words I make my revenge upon all the turds. [she adds a lot more bleach and continues to stir]

Butters' house, day. He's eating Frankenberry cereal breakfast in the kitchen when he hears two knocks and gets alarmed. He leaves the kitchen to go to the front door. He opens the door and two officers stand outside
Officer Brown
Butters Stotch?
Butters
Yes sir?
Officer Brown
We want to ask ou some questions about what happened in town last night.
Butters
what... happened in town?
Officer
People were attacked by an ancient Egyptian mummy. It killed five people and destroyed everything it could.
Butters
[nervous] Oh, uh, a mummy, huh? That's, that's weird.
Officer Brown
Oh, you just think that's weird? Because the mummy said you two got in some kind of altercation last night.
Butters
What?? The mummy talked to you??
Officer
Is it true, sir, that you and the mummy [reads his report] "got into an argument over a gift you didn't seem to appreciate"?
Butters
There was no argument. I just said I already had it and I'd give it to a friend.
Officer Brown
A present that the mummy got for you?
Butters
I, I just goh-
Officer Brown
You can see how that could be pretty hurtful.
Officer
Did you throw the mummy out of your house?
Butters
No! I didn't throw the mummy out of the house! The mummy got all pissed off at me and left! [the officers look at each other, and Brown whips out his own notepad and starts writing]
Officer Brown
You're gonna have to share in the damages here, son.
Butters
But I didn't do anything wrong! Okay, look officers, I think [cups his hands together nervously] I'm under some kind of curse.
Officer
Well that's what the mummy told us about you.
Officer Brown
You got a summons to appear in court. Until then I just suggest you and the mummy stay away from each other. [rips out the ticket citation and plants it on Butters' forehead]
Tegridy Farms, barn, day. Randy and Towelie are sampling their newest hybrid.
Randy
Oh, man, I really like it.
Towelie
Yeah, it's smooth.
Randy
It's really smooth. This is so good that we shold stop smoking it right now. We don't want to ruin our Halloween experience, you know? [Shelly walks in with her eldritch potion, unseen] This is serioudly gonna be the best Halloween ever. [she chucks the potion all over the Halloween Special, causing Randy and Towelie to turn to see what hapened. Many of the plants suffer chemical burns. Randy gets alarmed] AAAAAAA! Shelly!
Shelly
That's what I thnk of your stupid special! [walks away and Randy races for the plants]
Randy
No! Nooo!!
South Park Elementary gymnasium, day. Mr. Mackey has another assembly, this time over appropriate halloween costumes.
PC Principal
Alright everyone, listen up. Halloween has almost arrived and I wanna make sure that we are all aware of certain guidelines when it comes to Halloween costumes at school. Now, I don't wanna see any FUCKING SOMBREROS! Alright, if I see any fucking Mexican sombreros, or anyone fucking dressed like a fucking Native American, I'm gonna lose my fuckin' shit! There will be no hobos, or bums, anything depicting people from low-income households.
Cartman
Ahp, no Halloween for you, Kenny.
PC Principal
And lastly, heed my fuckin' words. If I see any of you girls dressed as fucking Moana, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind! Alright now, the student book fair is coming up next week. We encourage all students to be able to- [crasing sounds herald the mummy's arrival. It crashes through the double doors and stomps across the floor. The students flee in all directions. The mummy grabs students at random and throws them all over the place]
South Park Elementary, Counselor's Office, moments later. Butters faces Mr. Mackey.
Butters
...and that's all that happened. I put that stamp in the sticker book, and now this mummy is destroy8ng everything around me. I need help.
Mr. Mackey
Okay. An-and do you feel like maybe the mummy is trying to, you know, get you to react?
Butters
Wuh-what, what do you mean?
Mr. Mackey
Well, you know, Butters, the mummy feels like you get to do whatever you want, but it doesn't get to do whatever it wants.
Butters
Wait. The mummy talked to you, too?
Mr. Mackey
Yeah, yeah, we had a good talk, yeah.
Butters
Why is it talking to everyone?!
Mr. Mackey
I think the mummy is very insightful and cares about you a lot.
Butters
No it doesn't! This is crazy!
Mr. Mackey
Look, the mummy's just sad because you get to go to school and have fun, and what does the mummy get to do? You know, it just sits around being a mummy. You know, that's not fair.
Butters
First of all, I don't have fun at school! And secondly... the mummy can do whatever it wants; I don't care!
Mr. Mackey
Right, but you do care, Butters, because you're sitting in my office tallking all about the bad things that the mummy does.
Tegridy Farms, day. Randy sits in his wooden swing and looks at one of the tickets he had made for his Halloween Special weed. He sighs.
Towelie
[appears in the yard behind him] Randy, quick! You gotta come see!
Randy
I just need some time, okay, Towelie?
Towelie
Look! You don't understand! The special! Well, it's a miracle! [leaves. Randy gets up to follow him] Come on! You're not gonna believe it! [they head for the barn]
The barn. They step inside
Randy
Alright, Towelie, what is this ab-? Whoa! [the Halloween Special has overgrown and taken root all over the barn] The Hallowen Special!
Towelie
Whatever your daughter threw on this shit made it more powerful than ever!
Randy
[jumps for joy] Yeah! We're back!
Towelie
Yeah!
Randy
Yeah! Yeah!
A restaurant, day. Butters is enjoying drinks with the main four and Token.
Butters
I have to end this curse, fellas. It's gettin worse every day. Last ngith the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [sure enough, there are several selfies of the mummy - in a park, in bed, working out - on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy!
Stan
Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.
Butters
[jaw drops, then] It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?!
Kyle
We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent.
Cartman
Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes.
Butters
I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' "Hey, what are you doin'?" Like it knows.
Token
Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you?
Butters
Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside their window and throws its arms at it three times. The boys are spooked for a bit, then calm down] Oh, gosh darnit. [leaves the table] Hang on a second, fellas. [the mummy's eyes follow him]
Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is putting new labels on jars of Tegridy Weed and humming, then placing them on a table by the front door
Randy
Okay, that should be enough Halloween Special for the first few people [there are some 84 jars on the table] Now, I think we should put the open bar in this area [screen left] and the hot tub maybe right here [screen right. Shelly walks in wearing a backpack].
Towelie
Yeah, that'll work well.
Shelly
Dad, you have to drive me to the book fair.
Randy
What what? [chuckles]
Shelly
Mom said you have to drive me because she's taking Stan trick-or-treating.
Randy
[skeptical] You're going to a book fair?
Shelly
Yes.
Randy
On fucking Halloweed?
Shelly
Yes!
Randy
[squeezes his face] I don't even know how to deal with you anymore. [gets in her face] You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?!
Shelly
[moves to the front door] You're my dad, drive me to the book fair!
Randy
I will not! I have things to get ready, and nobody cares about books on Halloween, Shelly!
Shelly
The last thing people in this town need is more marijuana! [kicks the legs out from under the table, and the jats crash onto the floor, shattering. She leaves]
Randy
OH MY GOD! [kneels next to his ruined product]
Park County Police Station. Randy is talking to Det. Harris, with Shelly beside him
Randy
[sobbing] It's a nightmare! It's a personal hell! I've done everything I can, as a father, to help he with her problem, but she just ignores everything I say! I can't do this!
Shelly
You're such a piece of shit, Dad!
Randy
Oh, Shelly, I love you!
Det. Harris
What does her mother have to say about this?
Randy
Her mother doesn't say anything anymore! Whenever I bring up our daughter's marijuana problem, my wife says "I'm gonna lose my mind if you bring this up again." It's destroying all of us! I just think, maybe a night in jail is the wakeup call that she needs. I'm barely gonna have fun at the Halloween Special now! It's gonna be really hard for me to rage knowing you're in here, Shelly. It's gonna be really hard for me to rage! [an officer takes Shelly to a jail cell nearby, then opens it for her]
Officer Brown
Alrght, there you go. [Shelly goes in and turns around] When you have a problem with drugs and alcohol, you hurt everyone around you. Happy Halloween. [slides the door shut]
Butters
What are you in for? I'm in here because *apparently* I'm a passive-aggressive controlling and manipulative psychopath whose marcissitic behavior drives other people crazy.
Tegridy Farms, night. The Halloween special is undreway. Klieg lights shine their beams into the sky. MC Hammer's "Turn This Mutha Out" pumps through the loudspeakers. The living room is filing with people
Guest 1
Hey, trick or treat. We're here for the Halloween Special?
Towelie
All right, here you go, guys. [hands him a jar of Halloween Special] That's a promotional gift from Tegridy Farms.
Randy
Hey, come on in, guys! There's candy and hot dogs!
Guest 2
Alright. [Towelie hands him a jar as well]
Randy
Samplers of the special are there on the table, guys. Feel free to light up!
Towelie
Wow, we're almost out, Randy. I gotta go to the barn and get some more.
Randy
Okay, I'll hold down the fort. [Towelie leaves]
Tegridy Farms, outside. Towelie walks through the field to the barn
Towelie
Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack- [stops] Uh, what? [a bright light shines through all the windows on the barn as the Halloween Special has spread to the exterior walls of the barn]
Park County Police Station, night
Butters
So I said, "Okay, fine. You don't ever do anything wrong! It's aaall me! You've got no problems, only I have problems! Alright, uh I'll lock my own ass up! Then we'll see who's got issues!"
Shelly
Well you SHUT UP?
Butters
I'll be in here, and somethingn will go horribly wrong tonight, and then the monster will have to accept what it is, and finally work on changing, right?
Shelly
Probably not.
Tegridy Farms, the Halloween Special event. Randy is talking to one of the guests in the hot tub
Randy
Naw, you see, flivial geomorphology deals with the way rivers change over time. It's geology shit. It's why I got out of it, really.
Guest 2
Hey man, what's in this weed? [guests around him are blutching their bellies]
Randy
Oh! That's a company secret, my friend!
Guest 1
No, I meant I- I don't feel so good. [begins to gargle and growl]
Randy
Hey, are you alright there, buddy? [marijuana seems to sprout on the guest's body and turned him into a zombie. He turns around and growls at Randy] Whoa, dude, did you see that?! [looks over at his guest, who now, too, looks zombified. Randy jumps out of the hot tub when he notices all his guests looking like zombies, puts on a towel and runs outside]
The marijuana field. Randy and Towelie run into each other
Both
AAAAA!
Randy
Towelie! There's something wrong with thte special!
Towelie
There's somethin' in the barn! The thing you killed! It wants ervenge! [they head for the barn, and Randy sees it glowing like Towelie did before]
Randy
Oh Jesus! What happened?! [goes inside while Towelie waits outside]
Towelie
It's deda because o'you! And now it wants your soul!
Randy
[faces him] What?! What's dead becuase o'me?! [a shadow rises up and Randy notices: it's Winnie the Pooh clutching his intestines]
Pooh
[cocks his head to one side] Oh, hello there. Would you like to die?
Randy
[runs out] Ooooohh! Winnie the Pooh! Winnie the Pooh!
Park County Police Station, night. An officer runs in
Officer Brown
Detective Harris! Someting's going down at the Marsh farm!
Officer
Calm down, sir! I can't understand you!
Det. Harris
Put him on speaker. [the officer switches from earpiece to speaker]
Randy
There's monsters everywhere! It's some kind of curse! Unspeakable evil!
Butters
[listening from his cell] The mummy! I told you!
Randy
All different kindds of monsters! Zombies and plant people and bears! Oh my God! What's that?! Oh my God, it's Harvey Weinstein! He's got me! You've got to-augh! He's inside me! Harvey Weinstein is inside me! You've gotta send help! People are dying everywhere! No! Harvey, I said no! Please, somebody co- [the connection is cut]
Det. Harris
This is it, everyone! Let's move! All hands on deck! We've gotta take these monsters down! [all the officers rush out. Yakes returns]/i> Bring the kid who manipulates the mummy with his passive-aggressive serlfishness! [an officer opens the jail cell, and Butters and Shelly walk out]
Tegridy Farms, night. The Special event is still in full swing as the police pull up to the entrance. The officers leave their cruisers and jump into position with their rifles. An officer brings out a bazooka
Det. Harris
Alright, men, let's take thee monsters out!
Shelly
[intervenes] No, just hold on a second! I'll take care of this. [walks to the house. Meanwhile, out back, Randy and Towelie are still running, but are stopped by the cose they slaughtered in "Let Them Eat Goo."] Oh God, it's the cows we killed!
Pooh
Oh. I'm really going to enjoy eating your brains. [leaps up to Randy's head and starts gnawing on it.]
Randy
Get 'im off of me! Get 'im off of me! Oh my God! Get 'im off of me! [In her bedroom, Shelly is cooking up an antidote. She hears Randy and Towelie screaming and goes to look out the window] Waugh! Get 'im off of me!
Both
Help! Somebody help us! Get them off of me! Waugh! [she sees them flailing about, but with no cows, bears, or other monsters around them. They are hallucinating]
Both
Somebody help us!
Towelie
Somebody help us!
Randy
Get 'im off of me! Augh! We gotta fight them, Towelie!
Towelie
Help! sombody help us!
Randy
Waugh!
Towelie
I wanna live! Get them of of me! Help! sombody help us!
Randy
We're going to live! We're going to live! [Shelly goes back to her pot and continues brewing] Help! Waugh, get him off of me! Get him off of me! You monsters! Go back to hell! [they begin to babble, and Randy punches the air] There's too many of 'em! [looks off to his left] Oh! What is, What is that?! [a blurry Shelly runs up to him with her pot] Oh! No! [she drenches him with her potion and he goes limp. He murmurs a fewwwww syllables and falls over]
Tebridy Farms, entrance.
Det. Harris
Alright, that's it everyone! Nothin' to see here. Just some people who are really, really high.
Officers
[let down] Aawwwwwwww.
Officer Stevens
I can't shoot anyone?
Det. Harris
[walks up to Butters] You were so convinced the mummy was to blame for everyting, weren't you? So convinced you made us all believe it too.
Butters
I'm... [cups his hands together] I'm sorry?
Det. Harris
Yeah, well it's not us ...you really need to be sorry to. [looks over Butters' head at something. Butters follows his gaze amd sees tje mummy standing at the farm's entrance.] Let's see if you even have a shred of decency to apologize when something is clearly your fault. [Butters walks to the mummy]
Butters
I'm so sorry. You're right. I can be selfish and narcissistic. Ah I'm gonna work on myyself and... and try to make this curse work somehow. [the mummy rreaches into a back pocket and gives Butters a parting present, sighs, and walks over to a red car, opens the trunk, packs his suitcase, closes the trunk, gets into the driver's seat, puts on some sunglasses, and drives away. Butters open sthe present and reads the letter inside, which is just Egyptian hieroglyphics]
Officer Brown
[looks over Butters' shoulder] It says, "I hope you can get the help you need. I can't fix you"
Tegridy Farms, day. All the decorations are thrown away and lots of trash bins wait for pickup. Inside, Randy comes down the stairs looking quite beat up. The rest of the family is eating toast and cereal.
Randy
Hey, guess I slept in late, huh? What time is it? [serves himself some coffee]
Sharon
It's 8:15 am. November 3rd.
Randy
Ooof, wow. That was some strong-ass Halloween Special, y'all. I mean... I saw rapists in the hot tub, zombie cows. I thought I was gonna die, and then, this fat, bitchy angel came and put me to bed. [Shelly shoots a look at him for a few seconds, then looks at her food] Did everyone enjoy the Halloween Special?
Sharon
No, Randy. Only you did.
Randy
Oh. Well, that was pretty much my target audience anyway. [walks away from the table with his coffee, back to the stairs] Hey, at least I really didn't have butt sex with Harvey Weinstein, huh? [sees something on the floor] Oh [it's a used confom. He picks it up and shows it to the family] Or did I? [twirls it around a few times] Woo! Happy Halloween, everybody! [lets go, and the condom lands on a wall, releasing its contents.]
万圣节草特辑 结束
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