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Leftarrow 触手难及 单车巡游/剧本 墨西哥小丑 Rightarrow

出场角色

  • Cartman
  • Stan
  • Kyle
  • Kenny
  • Butters
  • Sally Darson
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Larry Zewiski and his parents, including the Gruff Worker
  • Stephen and Linda Stotch
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Ryan Valmer
  • Sarah Valmer
  • Richard Tweek
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Santa Claus
  • Towelie
  • Josh Carter (as an Amazon box)
  • Jeff Bezos
  • Tom the Reporter
  • Mall Worker 8
  • Alexa
  • Boy
  • DJ
  • Driver
  • Girl
  • Various Men and Women
  • Singers
  • Strikers

剧本

单车巡游
Kyle's bed, sunrise. Kyle is still in bed when his alarm goes off. he wakes up and jumps off his bed, grabs his phone, and runs downstairs. Bright music plays. Ike peeks out from his room and sees Kyle run by. Kyle opens the front door and sees all the Amazon stuff he had purchased and was waiting for. He breaks out into a grin
Kyle
Yehehes! Yeessss!
Gerald
What is it, Kyle?
Kyle
I got fulfilled! It's all the stuff I ordered for the bike parade. [his phone rings and he answers it] Yeah?
Cartman
[calling] Kyle, did you get your stuff?! I got my stuff! Yeah, dude! Stan and Kenny got their stuff too! Bring it all over to my house! We gotta get ready for the bike parade!
Gerald
Hey, were my boxes there too?
Kyle
No, Dad. These were special deliveries from Jeff Bezos. We helped Amazon with their strike, and he had our orders shipped.
Gerald
Jeff Bezos? The founder and CEO of Amazon?
Kyle
[giggles] Yeah. We helped him find workers to work during the strike. So he found our orders and had them sent to us. [Bezos is shown eavesdropping on the conversation from a remote location - on some dated hi-fi equipment]
Gerald
Well, can he find my packages too? [Bezos begins to turn the dial]
Woman 1
No, I know. They said the workers are still on strike. They don't know when our orders-
Man 1
Alexa, can I have my stuff shipped from a different ful-?
Man 2
No, that's a bad dog, Manjo! Bad dog!
Woman 2
[moaning] Oh, yes. Oh, oh, o-
Stuart
Jeff Bezos?! Are you freakin' kiddin' me?! Why is Jeff Bezos sending you packages? Do you even care there's a strike going on?!
Kenny
(No, Dad. These are all for the bike parade.)
Stuart
Bike parade?! You dad is part of the strike, you little shit! [Kenny opens a box and gives Stuart the finger] This whole town is suffering because of Amazon and you're out worrying about a bike parade! [Kenny pulls out a small Statue of Liberty.]
Tegridy Farms, day. Randy and Sharon are in the kitchen. Sharon rests her head on her right hand as Randy rants.
Randy
I can't even believe you would say that, Sharon!
Sharon
Randy, it's time to face it. Your weed farm idea didn't work. You barely sell to two people a day.
Randy
It's the stupid Amazon strike! I rely on things for marketing, Sharon! A small business needs products for exposure, and until those assholes go back to work, small businesses are gonna suffer! [someone knocks on the front door.]
Man 3
[Randy looks over] Ex-excuse me. Could I buy some weed?
Randy
[leaves the kitchen for the front door] Aw yeah yeah, Of course. [picks up a fanny pack from the coffee table in the living room] Out early today, huh? [arrives at the door and rummages through the fanny pack]
Man 3
Yeah it's this stupid Amazon strike. None of my orders are getting fulfilled, and I just need something to take the edge off.
Randy
Yeah, tell me about it.
Man 4
[appearing at the farm's entrance] Hey, are you selling weed?
Randy
Uh, yeah.
Man 4
[arrives at the door as man 3 leaves] My wife is going nuts not getting her packages. I told her I'd find her some Kush.
Randy
Yeah, the Amazon strike really sucks. [a truck full of strikers pulls up]
Driver
[lets out with his sign] Hey man, we're about to go spend a day in the picket line. Can you sell us some weed?
Randy
You're strikers?
Man 4
Well why don't you guys get back to work so we can get our packages?
Driver
[points at him] Hey, fuck you buddy!
Randy
Okay, okay, hold on. Uh, let me got some more weed. [notices more people driving up and walking to his door] Huh.
Amazon Fulfillment Center, day. The strike continues and local media is covering it
Tom
It's Day 5 of the Amazon Fulfillment Center strike. Nothing has been resolved, and there is ever-mounting tension between the striking Amazon workers and the people who want their stuff. Josh Carter is an Amazon employee who suffered a horrific workplace accident. In order to drum up support for the strike, he's recently FedExed himself to Washington. How are things going, Josh?
Josh
They're going well, Tom. Thank you. You know, what happened to me could happen to any worker at a fulfillment center. I'm speaking to Congress here and then heading back to Colorado tomorrow via UPS.
Tom
Meanwhile, Amazon says it's training new workers to replace the strikers. However, because the workers previously worked at a mall, they've had no human contact for quite some time.
Amazon Fulfillment Center, day. Stephen briefs the new workers on the center's operations
Stephen
Welcome to the fulfillment center. I'm your floor manager, Stephen Stotch. [the new employees hiss and growl back.] Being a fulfilled isn't hard. Uh, you just follow a few basic steps. [Mall Worker 1 rises up and hisses, then drops back down behind a lift] You start by getting an order on your fulfillment device. [taps on his device] Uh, it's order 6503. Mrs. Sandy Milner wants a Luminart coffee grinder. So you send that order to the first available transaction robot. [drives the robot left out of a parking spot] Okay, the robot will locate the grinder and bring it to the packing area. [The robot stops and drops tee coffee maker onto a conveyor which is being manned by Mall Worker 7. she watches it roll by, and it reaches the mall worker at the end of the belt] Now, put the coffee grinder in the box to fulfill the order. [the worker makes a move but stops himself] Go on. Put it in. [the worker grabs the grinder, stands up, and put it in the box.]
Mall Worker 8
This isn't very fulfilling.
Stephen
Sure it is. You just gotta get into it, okay? That's one order down, we have 12, 12,400 more to go. [more hissing from the new hires]
Tegridy Farms, day. Business has picked up at Randy's place as indicated by a long line of customers
Randy
All right, there you go, friend. That's an ounce of weed, and thanks for supportin' small business. Next?
Man 5
Hey, could you sell me more than an ounce?
Randy
Sorry friend, that's the law. Us simple farmin' folk respect the law and each other.
Man 5
No, it's fine. I'll just go over to the Anderson Weed Farm and buy more there.
Randy
[looks over to the Anderson Weed Farm, which has a no-limit purchase sign on its stand] Well don't buy weed from them. Their weed sucks.
Man 5
It's a long way to drive out here. Need to make it worth my while. [leaves]
The barn, later. Randy paces the floor there looking concerned
Randy
Shit! This whole Amazon strike has more people smoking weed than ever. We have to make sure Tegridy Weed stays ahead of the competition!
Towelie
We need to find a way to get the weed to the people.
Randy
Yeah, like a, like a delivery service. Some way so people don't have to drive out here and even see the other weed farms!
Towelie
You know what they got? They got these e-scooters nowadays.
Randy
You mean the things that almost killed us all on Halloween? Yeah, I 'member.
Towelie
What if we use e-scooters to get the weed directly to the customers?
Randy
Oh shit. We could have Tegridy all over town.
The Stotch house, after sunset. Stephen arrives home and heads inside. He sees a lot of Amazon boxes
Stephen
What the?
Linda
Stephen! Stephen! It's a miracle!
Stephen
I don't understand.
Butters
Look Dad, a whole new bicycle! I'll win the bike parade for sure!
Linda
You must have gotten our Prime membership back!
Stephen
I guess I did. The bigwigs promoted me to manager. I'm been training new employees. [Bezos is eavesdropping again] When did all this stuff arrive?
Linda
It just came a few hours ago. Oh Stephen, you did it!
The remote location. Bezos and the Mayor are there. Bezos leaves the hi-fi equipment he's been using to eavesdrop
Bezos
Your townspeople are beginning to learn that cooperation is rewarded by fulfillment. Now there's only one true enemy who stands in our way. Tonight he's giving a talk on Marxist theory.
The talk, evening. Just in a box is on a pedestal with a glass of water on a stool nearby.
Josh
How is the common worker kept submissive? By the institutions and the ideology of the bourgeoisie. We only ask for compassion, for a fair share of the fruits of our labors. [Kenny, sitting next to Stuart, is bored and signs]
Larry's driveway, day. Larry is showing off his bike to three girls, one of them is Sally Darson
Larry
Yeah, it's this Saturday. Everyone's gonna watch. You girls should come check it out. Yeah, it's gonna be a pretty nice bike parade, I suppose.
Butters
[riding up] Hey, Larry. [his pentacycle is quite blinged out, and he wears a matching crown] You gettin' excited for the bike parade? [Larry and the girls are stunned] Yeah, I guess I'm lookin' forward to it.
Girl
Wow.
Butters
I guess my bike could be in the bike parade. I... I hadn't really thought about it.
Larry
Uh, y-you girls check out the flag on the back of my bike? They, they're silk.
Butters
Oh yeah. [presses a button on the handlebars and busts out the peacock feathers, complete with the shake at the end for maximum spread.] I'll see you there, Larry. Later, girls. [turns the bike around and rides away. The girls look at Larry and walk away.]
Sally
[disappointed, walks away] Hmmm!
Butters
[riding along on the street] Yippie! [he passes Towelie, who is on an e-scooter on the sidewalk]
The Valmer house, moments later. Towelie stops there and knocks on the door. Ryan and Sarah sit on the sofa with nothing to do
Ryan
Amazon Boxes?! [gets up to chceck]
Sarah
[sits up] It might be!
Ryan
[opens the door] Yes! [sees no boxes, but looks down] Oh.
Towelie
Hello, sir. I have your weed delivery.
Ryan
My what?
Sarah
[squeezes by] Oh, that's mine.
Towelie
There you are, ma'am. [hands her a small bottle of weed] Enjoy your Tegridy.
Ryan
You to a-? Are, are we splitting that?
Sarah
Get your own. [goes back inside]
Ryan
Do you have more?
Towelie
We're here to please the customer! [hands him one as well]
Cartman's driveway, day. The boys' project is almost finished. It looks like a plane, with four cockpits - a central one, two side ones, and a front one. Cutouts of all the world's cultures are taped to the connecting rod and wings. It's magnificent
Stan
Dude, we did it.
Kyle
They look amazing.
Cartman
There's no way we can't win, you guys. We are going to kill at the bike parade. We finally did it. We worked together, we overcame adversity, and everything is finally gonna be cool again.
Kyle
[notices Kenny arriving] All right, Kenny's here. [to Kenny] Come on, dude. We're gonna take 'em for a test spin.
Kenny
(Guys, listen to me. I'm not gonna do the bike parade.)
Stan
You're not gonna do the bike parade?
Kyle
Well why not?
Kenny
(It's complicated. I talked to my father and he says it's all a bunch of commodity fetishism.)
Stan
Commedity fetishism?
Kenny
(Yes, it's stupid, but I'm out.) [turns and walks away]
Kyle
Kenny, you can't quit now! We have a four-bike theme!
Cartman
Yeah, how do we do the changing face of immigrants in America without the Philippines?!
Kenny
(I can't do it, guys! I quit.) [walks off]
Cartman
[panicking, grabs Kenny and pull him back] Kenny, no! You can't do this! We've worked so hard, and we've come so close! Oh my G- Oh my God! My anxiety! My anxiety is going off, you guys!
Stan
Come on, Kenny, don't be a dick!
Kenny
(You guys don't understand! My dad is one of the strikers!)
Cartman
[gives chance, but hyperventilates] Oh my God! We did so much! We went through all this and he just quits?! That's it! That's it! I'm gonna shoot up the skewl!
Stan
[calmly, quietly] Don't shoot up the school.
Cartman
No, 'cause it's not fair! You work your ass off for nothing, and now my anxiety's back, and I'm gonna shoot up the skeewwwwl!
Amazon Fulfillment Center, morning. The strike continues.
Burly Worker
Here come the temp workers! Scabs!
Strikers
Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! [this is repeated over and over. The mall workers in the bus just hiss and growl.]
Stephen
[seated now with Gerald] Yeah, it's not always easy being a fulfiller, but I think, eventually, you'll find it's a rewarding job.
Gerald
I don't really care. I just want my stuff. If I have to work at Amazon to get my packages, then so be it.
Stuart
[among the strikers] Stotch! Hey Stotch! [the bus stops.]
Stephen
What do you want, Stuart?
Stuart
I just thought you'd want to know the kind of people you're sellin' out for.
Stephen
What are you talking about?
Stuart
It's Josh, man! He's gone missing!
Kyle's garage, day. The project has been dismantled and the boys have taken their pieces and gone home. Kyle has taken his bike apart and is repainting it. Stan walks his bike up to Kyle.
Stan
How's it going?
Kyle
How's it look like it's going? There's no way we're going to win this stupid bike parade!
Stan
Our bikes aren't so bad.
Kyle
Face it Stan! Our bikes suck! We're gonna lose! We're gonna be the laughingstock of the whole thing!
Cartman
Kyle's right. I already bragged to everyone we were gonna beat them like bitches at the bike parade. We're gonna look like total douchebags.
Stan
I thought the four of us were unstoppable.
Cartman
We are. It's just Kenny fucked us again.
Kyle
I wish there never was a bike parade.
Cartman
Yeah. Hey. What if there wasn't?
Stan
What?
Cartman
What if the bike parade got cancelled? We're never gonna win the bike parade, but if we get cancelled, then everybody loses.
Stan
How do we get the bike parade cancelled?
Cartman
How do you get anything cancelled? You bitch about it being insensitive!
Stan
Hey, yeah. We can go to the Mayor and force her to cancel it.
Kyle
What's offensive about a bike parade?
Cartman
"What's offensive about a bike parade?" Kyle, you small-minded piece of shit! We should cancel you just for saying that.
Kyle
Oh, I get it.
Stan
Yeah!
All four
Yeah!
Cartman
Everybody loses, you guys!
An empty warehouse, day. Josh sits on a chair all alone, until Jeff walks in with the Mayor
Bezos
Do you know who I am?
Josh
Yeah. You're Jeff Bezos.
Bezos
And you are Josh, former Amazon employee who suffered a workplace accident. You were wrongly packaged into a box, and now, if anyone tries to open it, your insides will burst apart. So you seek revenge.
Josh
This isn't about revenge, Bezos. It's about the production of too many useful things resulting in too many useless people!
Bezos
See how the box ridicules commercialism in order to try and feel better about itself.
Josh
Damn you! You made everything nice and convenient, didn't you, Bezos?! But humans are more than consumers!
Bezos
That's very eloquent... for a box. [walks towards the entrance doors] A box that is the last thing standing in the way of real economic progress for this town.
Josh
[whispers] What are you gonna do to me?
Bezos
I'm not going to do anything to you. Alexa, go ahead. Sent them in.
Alexa
Okay. [the doors open and a bunch of kids walks in, chatting away]
Bezos
Hello, children. Uncle Jeff has a surprise for you! Who wants a special present for the bike parade?!
Kids
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!...
Josh
Oh my God...
Bezos
Whoever opens the box gets what's inside! [the kids run to the box]
Josh
No! No, don't give in to your consumerism, kids! [the kids grab the box and fight over it as Jeff screams a few times] NO! [screams some more. Mayor McDaniels turns around to avoid seeing the inevitable]
Boy
It's mine! It's mine! I got it! I get it! [opens the box and gets Josh's guts all over himself. The other kids get splattered as well]
Bezos
Heheh. [the Mayor finally looks]
Larry's house, day. He's in the dining room talking to someone
Larry
Every year, I win the bike parade. It's the one thing I care about. Now there's kids out there who have better bikes than me because you won't get off your ass and work, Dad!
Mr. Zewiski
[the gruff worker] Larry, I want to! But I'd be a no-good traitor! Can't you understand?! [his wife stands by the front door]
Larry
All I understand is that you suck! [turns and runs off. Mr. Zewiski gets up and heads for the front door]
Mrs. Zewiski
Where are you going?
Mr. Zewiski
Son's right. Picket line or not, I'm gonna cross it, right now! [opens the door and finds Towelie at his doorstep]
Towelie
Hello, sir. I have your weed delivery.
Mr. Zewiski
Oh, my weed. Forgot I ordered that.
Randy
[scootin' by] Oh hey, listen! We have an app now! You can keep track of your orders and get your Tegridy delivered even faster. [his phone dings] Oop. There's an order now. [scoots away]
Downtown South Park, day. The boys walk through the commercial district.
Stan
First thing we've gotta do to get the bike parade cancelled is raise awareness.
Cartman
Yeah. We're gonna need poster boards, markers, and lots of glitter and glue.
Kyle
I can't believe Kenny bailed on us just because he thinks Jeff Bezos is a bad guy.
Cartman
Yeah, how can somebody who gives you whatever you want be a bad guy? [Stan walks up to a storefront and knocks on the door, then looks back at the other boys] It's locked. [knocks again]
Richard
[walks up with his wife] They're closed. We're all closed. our coffee shop, everything.
Cartman
But we're outraged about something. We need glitter and glue.
Richard
Yeah. Well, when the Amazon Fulfillment Center opened, everything else went out of business.
Mayor
[seated on a bench nearby] I let it happen. I thought the fulfillment center would be nothing but great for the town. Instead it's... it's buried us.
Man 5
But it's Christmas. It's Christmas and we've no presents, no decorations. And there's no one who can help us. [the sound of sleigh bells breaks the gloom]
Man 6
[points] Look!
Santa
[On his sleigh, with his eight reindeer] Ho ho ho ho!
Man 7
It's Santa! [Santa comes back around and lands on the street. Everyone cheers]
Woman 3
It's a miracle!
Santa
[gets out of his sleigh] I heard some people here might need a little Christmas magic.
Stan
We sure do, Santa!
Man 8
It's only a couple of weeks until Christmas, and we don't have any presents!
Santa
Well, that's no problem for the hometown of my favorite holiday poo! Where is Mr. Hankey? [everyone's smiles disappear] Where is that old bundle of Christmas cheer?
Mayor
We... We had to get rid of Mr. Hankey.
Santa
Got rid of him?
Mackey
Uh, Mr. Hankey did somethin' bad, and we were forced to make him uh... leave. Forever.
Santa
Jesus, what did he do? Fuck a kid?
Mackey
No. He um.. he tweeted some uh... inappropriate things.
Santa
[cynically] "He tweeted some inappropriate things?" [silence] Oh, you bunch of fuckin'- I'm getting back in my sleigh now. [goes back in]
Stan
Nononono! Wait wait wait, please!
Santa
Merry Christmas! Have fun sucking Jeff Bezos' dick, you bunch of cunts! [rides off]
The Stotch home, night. "Silent Night" is heard. Stephen sits on the sofa all alone
DJ
Continuing with non-stop holiday music. Here's a sone from that hot new group, The PC Babies. It's a song about how the idea of Mrs. Claus perpetuates female stereotypes. It's called, "Jingle All The Waahhhh." [Stephen buries his face in his hands]
Butters
[walks up and stands next to the Christmas tree] Hey Dad? I don't need anything more. I mean, if I don't win that bike parade, I don't care. I have you guys, and... that's more important than a bike parade will ever be.
Stephen
No it isn't, Butters. I want to quit working for Amazon. I want to quit working for Amazon. I want to join my friends in striking but... I know that you have to have your stuff to be happy.
Butters
No I don't Dad.
Stephen
[stands up] You need your Amazon Prime shows and your music and your books. and your things delivered to your door like little presents to yourself that make you feel satisfied. I can live without those things, but you... can't. [turns away and goes to the front door] That's why I'm gonna continue working at Amazon. For you! [opens the front door and sees Towelie there.]
Towelie
[sounding stoned] Hello, sir. I'm with the Tegridy Weed Company. We're just makin' sure folks are aware of our new rewards program.
Stephen
What?
Towelie
We now have three levels of membership for our weed. There's Tegridy, Tegridy Plus, and Tegridy Elite. But you don't want to be elite, 'cause elite's got no Tegridy. [Stephen mulls this over]
A bridge over a lake near town, day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand on it looking over the water
Cartman
It's just such bullcrap, you guys.
Kyle
Such bullcrap.
Cartman
How come everything out there is getting cancelled, but when it comes to us, we just can't do it?
Stan
I mean, are we supposed to just keep going? Just go on, making total asses of ourselves?
Kyle
No. No! The problem is that when it comes to outrage, your average person actually doesn't give a shit, unless it has something to do with them.
Cartman
That's right. we've been selfish. We can't get the parade cancelled for us. We have to do it for all the other people who want it cancelled, but their voices aren't being heard!
Stan
Yeah! What? Did we think this was a fucking joke? The bike parade is offensive, and the government thinks they can just force it on everyone!
Cartman
Come on! I'm actually pissed off now! [they walk off]
City Hall, day. The three boys walk up to the building and burst into the Mayor's office.
Stan
Mayor, we demand you cancel this bike parade!
Cartman
It is nihilistic and out of touch with progressive thinking! [the executive armchair turns around to reveal Jeff Bezos. He puts his feet up and communicates telepathically]
Bezos
What's the matter? Afraid you wouldn't win?
Stan
It's him.
Bezos
The bike parade was quite useful to me. You see, people will do anything to have fulfillment. They finally realized the only way to get it would be to all work for the fulfillment center.
Cartman
Who would use the bike parade like some $20 hooker?
Kyle
Kenny was right about you. You're a bad guy!
Bezos
Oh, you mean your little socialist friend? Yes, he's starting to rattle his sword now, too. Alexa, kill Kenny.
Alexa
Okay. I'll kill Kenny for you.
Stan
[raises his arms] No!
Kyle
Why are you doing this?!
Bezos
[gets up and walks around the boys] Don't you see I'm trying to help? Before, there was war between classes, customers and workers at odds. All I've done is create the new class: the consumer-worker. The future. Right now your parents, your teachers, everyone you know are showing up to work at the fulfillment center, and I'm afraid you are all going to lose the bike parade.
Randy
[from the ground below] Bezos! Bezos!
Crowd
[from the ground below] Bezos! Bezos! Bezos! [Bezos opens the windows and see the crowd below. The camera pans across the scene]
Randy
Hello Bezos! You can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! See, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's Tegridy! Just look in the eyes of these people! [a close-up look shows a lot of bloodshot eyes] Everyone has Tegridy now! Tegridy that you will never understand! We aren't just different classes of people anymore, we are a town!
Bezos
Aer you all high?
Crowd
No, no...
Randy
Why do you ask that?
Bezos
Because I'm over here!
Randy
Oh. Hang on. [notices where Bezos is and walks towards the window. Everyone has been facing left] Hold on. Okay, I got it. Anyways... you see, Tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations! Oh, they'll try to package Tegridy, but only I can really package Tegridy. I got more money now 'cause of Tegridy, and that's 'cause I figured out how to get Tegridy to everyone. And that's- now everyone is in their state of Tegridy that's impenetrable. Am I making sense?
Bezos
NO!
Randy
The point is, nobody's comin' to work for you! So you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else! [the crowd cheers "Yeah!"]
Bezos
Damn you, Tegridy! [upbeat music starts]
The montage finale, with a reprise of "Colorado Farm"
Singers

Ice-cold beer, down-home days
country music and bike parades
We got Tegridy all around (round, round)
That's life livin' in our Colorado town. [a shot of the PC babies crying]

Stan
I guess they are offensive. [Kyle laughs]
Singers

Now we gotta learn to live without boxes every day
We might wake up tomorrow and wonder why they went away [President Garrison, in cuffs, waves at the participants]
Guess you might call us a bunch of white trash hicks (hicks, hicks) [even Father Maxi is smoking a joint]
But at least we ain't suckin' no Bezosian dicks.

Announcer
Tegridy Weed. Comin' soon to a giant online retailer near you.
单车巡游 结束
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