南方公园中文维基
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南方公园中文维基


残疾人的救赎 残疾人的救赎 卡特曼邪教/剧本 升上四年级 升上四年级

出场角色

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Butters Stotch
  • Timmy Burch
  • Principal Victoria
  • Liane Cartman
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Sister Anne
  • Tour Bus Driver
  • Gas Station Attendant
  • Heidi Turner (Referred to as Marcy)
  • Mr. Turner
  • Mrs. Turner
  • JonBenét Ramsey
  • Hell Director
  • Various Souls In Hell
  • Boy wearing glasses
  • Ugly Girl
  • Mormons In Heaven
  • Bebe Stevens
  • Rick

剧本

卡特曼邪教
'Recap:
Priest Maxi is shown at the church podium before the congregation
Announcer
Previously on South Park...
Priest Maxi
Today, we are going to talk about hell. [an organ swells into a dreadful chord. The boys are afraid]
Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Saddam appears at Satan's door
Saddam
Hello, Satan! [opens his arms wide and grins big. He has two suitcases, one on either side of him]
Satan
[stunned] Saddam...
Broflovski residence. Sheila and Kyle are talking
Sheila
Us Jews don't believe in hell.
Kyle
But what if we're wrong?
South Park Avenue, day. The kids begin crossing the street
Stan
Let's go. [the kids begin to cross the street, Kenny first, but a tour bus slams into Kenny and takes him away. The other kids freeze where they are, petrified]
Stan
[finally reacts, shrilly] ...they've killed Kenny!
Butters
He had sins that he didn't confess!
Hell, River Styx Condominiums, dinner. Saddam tries to arouse Satan under the table. Satan swats Saddam's arm away
Satan
No, Saddam, I told you. I'm with Chris now.
Church rectory. Priest Maxi is talking to the boys
Priest Maxi
Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!
Hell, River Styx Condominiums, bedtime. Satan and Chris are in bed
Chris
[closes his eyes] I love you, Satan.
Satan
I love you too, Saddam.
Satan/Chris
[immediately react] Wuh?!
Pacific Ocean. A man drives a speedboat. Richie Cunningham, Ralph Malph, and Potsy Weber go along for the ride, and Arthur Fonzarelli stands behind the boat on water skis. Wait...
Richie
Fonz, there's no way you can jump that shark with your water skis. [A buoy ring contains a shark, and a larger red buoy warns "DANGER" in white letters]
Fonzie
Aaaay! I've gotta try, Richie.
Church confessional, day. Cartman opens the penitent door and sees a woman with her exposed ass up against the partition
Woman
Oh, huhuh. [Cartman opens the priest's door. Priest Maxi, in a sexual act with the woman on the other side, looks out and grins]
Stan
Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's gonna save us?
Cartman
Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save everyone in this town ourselves!
Beach. Richie, Potsy, Ralph, and Joanie are on the shore watching the boat driver take Fonzie on his stunt. On shore is a sign posted on a pair of surfboards that reads "GO FONZ!!!"
Joanie
Go Fonz!!!
Fonzie
Aaaaaa-- [the image freezes in place, so that Fonzie is suspended in mid-air]
Announcer
And now the exciting conclusion of... South Park.
Fonzie
[action resumes]—aaaaaayy-err. [lands inside the buoy ring; the shark catches and eats him live. The shark rises out of the water with Fonzie still in its mouth] No! [the shark drops and rises again] No! [...and again...] No! [a pool of blood develops inside the buoy ring] No!
Richie
I told him he couldn't do it. [the other three on shore look on stunned]
South Park Elementary, playground. Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the kids
Cartman
I am saying this because we must be saved-uh. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-uh. If you do not live your life for Him-uh, then to the lake of fire you shall go-uh! [a group of adults gathers just outside the rear school doors. Kyle joins Cartman on the platform...]
Principal Victoria
["'Well, God is gonna heal those eyes, and save you from the devil begone! Oh, praise His name!"] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman. ["But do you believe in the power of God?"] Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
Liane
[gently calls out] Boopie-kins. ["Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?"] It's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie. [Cartman stops]
Stan
[joins Cartman on the platform] Don't you guys, um... persecrute our religious beliefs.
Kids
Yeah!
Sharon
We are not trying to persecute you kids, but you're supposed to be in school.
Stan
What purpose does school have? The Bible says the only goal in this life is to praise God and get into heaven.
Kyle
Yeah, this life is short. The afterlife is forever.
Principal Victoria
Don't listen to them, kids. You have to go to school.
Cartman
Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going eight-year-old. And then yesterday, he was [throws himself down face-first] smacked down by the Lord-uh! [rises] God bitch-slapped him right to the fiery depths of hell! So when will you go? Tomorrow? Ten years? Does it mattah?! No! Because unless you give this life to the Lord, that life belongs to Satan-uh! [kids gasp, adults go glum] But we cannot worship God in that church where that priest of sin resides, [Kyle has left and now returns with an easel with a picture of a church on it] so we will build a new church-uh. With crystal walls, a ceiling 80 feet high, and a slide that connects this part hmya [near the top of the left-side wall] to this part hmya. [the grass down below] Who will help us?
Kids
[in unison] I will.
Cartman
Praise God-uh!
Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Satan is seen looking at the Bargain Hotel Saddam is in
Satan
If I go spend the night with Saddam, then it's over between me and Chris. [looks at Saddam's room key] Chris has been so nice to me and I know Saddam will just hurt me again. [looks at it again] M-maybe I'll just go talk to Saddam. I need closure, yeah. That's it, I need closure. [advances to the hotel, to room 16, then turns around with second thoughts] What am I doing? [takes a step when the room door opens]
Saddam
[in evening suit] What took yo so long, baby?
Satan
[turns around] Saddam, I'm just here to talk.
Saddam
Great! Let's talk! [Saddam enters. Saddam rushes to the bed and sits on it, stroking the covers] Hmm, this bed is comfy-bumpy.
Satan
Saddam, I only came here because I need closure.
Saddam
Sounds fun. You know me, I'll try anything.
Satan
No! Saddam, listen to me.
Saddam
Would you like a drink?
Satan
Um, maybe just... a little one. [Saddam serves him a drink] I have to go back soon. I need you to understand that we can't be together anymore. [Satan turns on the TV and a video of a group of men is shown. A sheriff lowers his pants before a kneeling skinhead. Other men are singing, chanting, moaning] I need you to not come by the condo and not try to see me. Chris thinks we can all be friends, but I don't. And I have to focus on Chris now. [just now notices the video] What is this?
Saddam
These hotels have all kinds of crazy channels.
Satan
Saddam, will you listen to me?! Chris is a great person. He's the one I wanna be with now.
Saddam
[knowingly] Really? So then... What are you doing here? [Satan has no answer. He just looks down and away] Well, I don't know about you, but this video is gettin' me pretty hot!
Satan
[hurt] Saddam...
Saddam
Here, have another drink. [Satan takes it and swallows it down]
Hell, Bargain Hotel, Saddam's room. Satan is sleeping away peacefully
Satan
[wakes up] Ooh, whoa... God, my head. Drank too much. [looks to his left] Chris? [the camera zooms out to show Saddam, dressed in leather straps, looking at him lovingly. Five different kinds of dildos and a whip are seen. Satan quickly sits up] Oh no!! [scans the room and sees more sex toys, including an auto club, an Antonio Banderas blow-up doll, a penis pump, and a goat tied to a lamp]
Saddam
[snuggling up] Man, look at that! We went through 14 bottles of vegetable oil! [tosses the last one off the bed.] Ewuh, I'm all greasy.
Satan
[leaves the bed] Oh God, what time is it?
Saddam
Last night was awesome! Are we together again now?
Satan
I don't know. I-I guess so, but now I have to go home and tell Chris.
Saddam
Screw him!!
Satan
No, Saddam! I at least owe him an explanation! [walks towards the door] I just don't know what I'm gonna say. [the door opens and closes. Satan is gone]
Saddam
I know how to solve this little problem.
Baja California coast, Mexico, day. The camera pans slowly to the right.
Driver
[off-screen] We are now entering Ensenada, the second largest city on the Mexican Baja Peninsula. [the tour bus is seen making its way through Ensenada] We have now traveled over 2000 miles since leaving New York City. We'll just be stopping here for a few moments for gas, and then our tour will continue onto its final destination. [two gas station attendants approach the bus. One of them notices something]
Attendant
Oiga. Hay algo pegado bajo el autobus. ["Listen. There's something stuck under the bus."]
Driver
'Kay. What's stuck to the bottom of the bus? [the attendant takes his mop and jabs at the bottom of the bus, and Kenny finally drops down]
Kenny
(Ahow..!)
Driver
Oh, goodness! We must have run over a little Mexican further up north. Is it okay? [Kenny sits up and shakes his dizziness off]
Attendant
Pienso que sí. ["I think so." Kenny stands up]
Driver
Well, here's fifty for the gas. [starts the bus and drives off] Adios.
Kenny
(Where am I?)
Attendant
¿Qué?
Kenny
(Where am I?)
Attendant
¿Qué?
South Park, day. Cartman's blueprint for his church is shown, then the camera pans right to show the actual construction. A bunch of kids work on the structure, using all sorts of things, including mirrors for wall panels.
Cartman
This is bea-utiful. Thine church is almost completed.
Stan
There's no way God will want to send us to hell now.
Kyle
Yeah, this church kicks a-- Eh... I-it kicks!
Gerald
[shows up with Sheila, behind the boys] Hello, boys. [they turn around]
Kyle
Don't try to take me away again, Mom and Dad! I told you! I renounced the Jewish faith!
Sheila
It's not that, Kyle. It's just that Eric's mother needs to see you all right away. [Stan, Cartman and Kyle look at each other, suspicious] Just really quick; she says it's very important.
Cartman
Very well. Yea. Guys, let us walk to mine home and see what mine mom wants. [the boys turn left and walk towards Cartman's house]
Sheila
I sure hope this works.
Cartman residence, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle enter. Dialog from "Not Without My Anus," set to an organ and canned laughter, is heard as the boys make their way across a living room littered with toys of all sorts. The room is decorated so that the boys would forget their "mission" and just play for one afternoon. Liane shows up with a Cartman favorite.
Liane
Hello, kiddies. I made you all powdered doughnut pancake surprise.
Stan
Wow, cool.
Cartman
No! This is a trick! Do not vex me, O temptress!
Liane
What?
Cartman
This is a distraction from our work on the church! [grabs a doughnut] Do not think that you can tempt us with toys [takes a bite out of his doughnut] and new games [munches away] and tidings of powdered doughnut pancake surprise! For it is the afterlife we have concerned ourselves with! [finishes the doughnut off] Not the pleasures of this Earth, but salvation in the world aftah!!
Stan
Yeah!
Liane
Oh. Well, [sets the dish on the sofa and walks away] alrighty then.
Kitchen, moments later. Liane enters. Sister Anne waits with Stan's and Kyle's parents
Liane
I... don't think it worked.
All
Aww.
Living room, moments later.
Cartman
Let us get back to our work at the church. [the phone rings] Yea. I shall answer the phone, hyah. [answers it] Hello?
Kenny
[from a pay phone next to Papas & Beer in Ensenada] (Cartman?! Cartman, you've gotta help me, and I'm not foolin' around!)
Cartman
[grins mischievously, then] Oh my God!!
Stan
What?
Cartman
It's Kenny. He's calling from beyond the grave!
Stan
Kenny?! [move towards the phone] What's he say?
Kyle
[moves next to Stan] Ask him what hell is like.
Cartman
Kenny! You have to tell us about hell! Give us every last horrible detail!
Kenny
(Um...) [mariachi music is heard, and the street is lively enough]
Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Satan has returned, and is outside the door to his condo
Satan
Oh, God, Chris is gonna be so mad at me. Well, here it goes. [opens the door and enters. Chris is sitting alone on the sofa reading a book]
Chris
Hey, you.
Satan
Hi, Chris. [closes the door]
Chris
You... were out all night.
Satan
Yeah, I just... spent the night walking around the marina.
Chris
Satan. You know you're not a very good liar. You went and saw Saddam, didn't you?
Satan
[low voice] Yes. [covers his face in shame]
Chris
[approaches] Satan, I understand.
Satan
[drops his left arm and looks surprised] What?
Chris
I still feel secure and safe with you.
Satan
[walks away exasperated] Oh, n-no!
Chris
[puzzled] What? What's wrong? I said it's okay.
Satan
I know.
Chris
Well, what more do you want from me?
Satan
[turns around] Well... could you not be such a pussy about it? I mean, can't you just say "If you ever see Saddam again, I'll break your legs!" or, or "I'm gonna go kick Saddam's ass!" or something?
Chris
Satan, I'm a '90s man. I cry when I need to. I share my feelings and I keep my mind open about everything.
Satan
Just... give me some boundaries, be jealous, go throw a football around, for Christ's sake.
Chris
[sits down on the sofa] Now you're starting to hurt my feelings.
Satan
[turns away] Ah—I'm sorry, Chris, it's... it's not you, really, it's, it's me. [Saddam pops up outside the window and checks out the situation, then drops down] You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and for some reason, I just can't accept that. [Saddam slides the window open and drops in behind the sofa, making his way to Chris]
Saddam
[pops up behind Chris with a dagger] Die, pussy! [rams it into Chris's forehead]
Chris
Agghhh!
Satan
[turns around] Chris! [advances] Saddam, what the hell are you doing?!
Saddam
[a dead Chris lies slumped against the sofa's arm] There. I got rid of the problem for you. Now there's no conflict.
Satan
[distraught, buries his face in his hands] No! Not like this..!
South Park, day. Cartman's church is finished. Red carpet, purple doors... His new followers are gathered inside
Cartman
[on stage wielding a Bible] Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-eh. [the kids gasp] It was our departed friend, Kenny! Calling from the depths of hell! And he described what hell is like in horrid detail-uh. [the kids are frightened] He said that in hell, the smell is awful. He said that in hell, everyone speaks Spanish.
Kids
Wagghh..!
Cartman
He said there is water in hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-uh!
Kids
Whoa!
Cartman
And perhaps worst of all, in hell, there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores! But they all have the same little trinkets in them-eh!
Kids
Wagghh! [a couple enters the church]
Father
Where is our daughter?
Heidi
[steps into the aisle] Dad?
Father
Marcy! You're coming home this instant!
Cartman
[quite animated, hops twice] We are saving your daughter from the clutches of hell, suh! [points]
Father
You're not gonna make my daughter part of your cult!
Cartman
Your daughter could die tomorrow, and then what?!
Father
[a piece of wood falls from the roof] You're just a stupid little fat kid who thinks that-- [jab] Aagghh--! [the piece of wood falls off the man's head and rests behind him]
Mother
Stephen? [the kids are shocked; she genuflects next to him] Stephen, no!
Cartman
The Lord has spoken again-uh! O, forgive us, Lord, for our sins-uh!
Kids
Forgive us, Lord.
Cartman
Let us pray. [an organ is played] Heavenly Father, do not send us to hell. We're sorry. Whatever we did, we're sorry.
Mother
[in a panic] Stephen? Stephen?
Hell, waiting area. Many souls are there, wondering where they are, and why
Stephen
Where... where am I?
Man
Where are we?
Man 2
No doubt about it...
Woman
What's happening??
Man 3
Oooooooooh!
Speaker
Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody hear me? [taps the mic a few times] Hello? Can everyb--? Okay. [the crowd quiets down] Uh, I'm the hell director. Uh, it looks like we have about 8,615 of you newbies today, and for those of you who are a little confused, uh, you are dead, and this is hell, so, abandon all hope and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process, which will last about--
Man 4
Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here. I was a totally strict and devout Protestant! I thought we went to heaven!
Hell Director
Yes, well I'm afraid you were wrong.
Soldier
I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Director
Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man 5
Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?
Hell Director
I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.
Crowd
[disappointed] Awww.
Hell Director
So now I'd like to quickly introduce your new ruler and master for eternity, Satan.
Satan
[appears in a burst of flame] Oooyeah!
Crowd
Aaggghh!
Satan
Now you are all part of my domain! Everyday in hell grows larger as my minions... my m-minions uh... [relents] muh, I'm sorry. I just can't do this today. I'm just... I'm sorry. [walks away. The crowd's eyes follow him. A woman throws her hands up]
Hell Director
Uh, okay. Thank you, Satan. Now, uh, let's begin with the Muslims...
Chris
[in the crowd] Satan! [Satan turns and sees him, then smiles. Chris makes his way through the crowd] 'Scuse me. Excuse me.
Satan
Chris! [he and Chris now stand before each other] But I thought you were dead!
Chris
Yeah, well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
Satan
Chris, I didn't mean for Saddam to stab you in--
Chris
Hey, it's alright. All that matters is that I'm back, and we're together forever. Right?
Satan
Uh... yeah. Gr-great.
Crowd
Awww.
Cartman residence, night. Cartman is working at a coffee table in the living room with Clyde Frog and a Bible
Cartman
Let's see... Matthew 15:11. "Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which comes out of the mouth defileth a man." That's a good one, Clyde Frog. Interesting. [Sister Anne approaches]
Liane
[enters] Eric, Sister Anne has come to visit you.
Cartman
Yea. It is nice to see you, Sister, but I must prepare for my next sermon. [Liane leaves]
Sister Anne
[sits] Eric, you need to stop what you're doing. You need to tell all the kids to go back to school, and back to their normal lives.
Cartman
Sister, have you read this book?
Sister Anne
Yes, Eric. A lot more than you have.
Cartman
Then you know what it says happens to those who don't follow the Lord-uh.
Sister Anne
Eric, the Lord just doesn't send everybody to hell. That wouldn't make sense. He wants people to live their lives.
Cartman
Are you saying that what the Bible says isn't true?
Sister Anne
No.
Cartman
We've got Jews and perverts and bullies and all kinds of sinners in this town, Sister Anne-uh! And without the priest we've decided to save ourselves. The only ones that kids can trust now are me and Jesus! [resumes his work]
Sister Anne
[exasperated, drops her head in her hands] Uugh..! [lifts her head] Wait a minute. That's it. [rises and walks away]
Televangelist
[suddenly on TV] ...And I'm gonna save all of you right now. [raps a woman on the head. She goes unconscious] I'm gonna heal your sins-eh.
Cartman
Well...
Hell, Bargain Hotel. Chris approaches and goes to Room 16, and knocks on the door
Saddam
Hello Satan-ooh, crap! It's you!
Chris
Yeah. It's me.
Saddam
I thought I killed you!
Chris
Yeah...
Saddam/Chris
Well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
Saddam
Right, right.
Chris
Do you have a couple of minutes to go for a walk?
Saddam
A walk?
Chris
Yeah. Just real quick. Around the park or somethin'.
Saddam
[considers it] Is this some kind of trick?
Chris
No, I just want you to go for a quick walk with me. Please?
Saddam
Well, alright. Just let me grab somethin' real quick. [goes inside humming and reaches his dresser. He sees the dagger and takes it with him behind his back, then rejoins Chris] Okay, let's walk. [Chris walks while Saddam closes the door]
Hell, the park. Saddam and Chris walk side by side
Chris
Saddam, I get the feeling that you don't like me very much.
Saddam
Gee, whatever gave you that idea? When I stabbed you in the head?
Chris
Look, Satan is a very important person to me. And I know he's an important person to you, too. So don't you think it's best for us to just... try and get along? I realize that some things about me bother you. So I'd like to hear what those things are so that I can work on them.
Saddam
You know why I don't like you, Chris? Because you're the kind of guy who, if someone didn't like him, would take him for a walk in the park and ask him why. You're a pussy! [takes his dagger out and slices into Chris's right shoulder]
Chris
Agghhh! [Saddam goes into a grave, takes out a shovel, and slices off Chris's lower right leg. Chris falls down] Oh God!
Saddam
Ah hahaha!
Chris
Nooo! Agh! [reaches into his right shoulder, takes the dagger, and thrusts it into Saddam's left eye]
Saddam
Aggghhh! [swings the shovel at Chris and strikes him down with it]
Chris
Ow! [Saddam jumps on him and pulls his heart out of his body] Goo-aagh..! [Saddam holds the heart high in the air, then collapses on top of Chris's body. The camera zooms out]
Cartman's church, next day. The child congregation is gathered again at the church. Organ music plays
Cartman
Today this Jewish boy and all sinners are going to be saved-uh! Kyle, do you believe in God-uh?
Kyle
Yes!
Cartman
Do you want to be saved from hell-uh?!
Kyle
Yes!
Cartman
That's good, because right now, all the Jewness is comin' out of your body, bein' replaced by the Spirit of God-uh! [smacks him on the face] Theah!
Kyle
[angrily] Ow! [rubs his right temple and cheek while Cartman talks]
Cartman
Praise God! How do you feel now? Do you feel the light of God inside o'ya?
Kyle
[softens] Uh, I think so.
Cartman
Praise the Lord-uh!
Crowd
[ad lib all at once] Praise the Lord. Hallelujah! Praise God! [two robed assistants help a happy Kyle off the stage]
Cartman
For he is Lord, he is Lord... Bring up the next person! [Timmy rolls up in his wheelchair] This boy has been crippled with sin-uh. But I hear God saying that this boy will walk!
Butters
Huh-Hallelujah!
Timmy
Timmiiiy!
Cartman
We are gonna save you and you are gonna walk with the Lord-uh!
Timmy
Timmiiiy!
Cartman
Devil be [smacks him on the face] gone-uh!
Timmy
Haagggh.
Cartman
Now walk, Timmih! [turns away dramatically, with eyes closed]
Timmy
Haagggh.
Cartman
[turns away, then back] Come on, Timmy, get out of that chair-uh!
Timmy
Haghh.
Cartman
The Lord wants you to walk, Timmih! Oo-walk, Timmih! [turns away dramatically, with eyes closed]
Timmy
Timmilih? [drops to the floor on his feet and stands unsteadily. Cartman smiles openly]
Cartman
He walks-uh!
Kids
Whoa!
Timmy
Oh-aagghhh! [falls forward and crashes through the floor head first. A beaming Cartman mistakes this for something good]
Cartman
Yes! Praise the Lord!
Kids
Praise the Lord!
Hell, River Styx Condos. Satan is talking to somebody outside
Satan
And now it's like there's one guy who's horrible to me but I'm totally sexually attracted to, and then one guy who's really nice to me but I'm not sexually attracted to at all.
JonBenét Ramsey
Wow, that really sucks.
Satan
I've asked everybody for advice, but nobody seems to know the answer.
JonBenét Ramsey
Well, there is one person who I always used to ask when I needed advice.
Satan
Who?
JonBenét Ramsey
God.
Satan
[stunned] God?? I can't do that. I haven't spoken to God in like, 5000 years.
JonBenét Ramsey
Well then, maybe it's time.
Cartman's church, day. The child congregation is singing and clapping outside and inside. Timmy is back, with a bandaged head
Kids
Do dodo dum do dodo
Do dodo dum do dodo
Cartman
For he is Lord
Lord, Lord, Lord

Where are you from, little boy? [this boy wears glasses]
Boy
Denver.
Cartman
And God is telling me that you have... bad eyesight. Is that it?
Boy
Yeah, that's right.
Kids
Wooooo!
Cartman
Well, God is gonna heal those eyes, and save you from the devil begone! [smacks the boy in the face and knocks him out]
Boy
Aghh... [two robed assistants carry him off]
Kids
Hooray!
Cartman
For he is Lord
Lord, Lord, Lord

Right here we have a little girl who is very, very ugly! Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?!
Ugly Girl
Yes!
Cartman
He is gonna take that ugly face and make you reasonable to look at! [smacks her on the face] Bah!
Ugly Girl
Wagh...
Cartman
[moonwalks] Bwolololololololololololo! Oh, good Lord, somebody say "Amen!"
Kids
Amen! [the pianist is shown, with a girl singing next to him]
All
Lord, Lord, Lord
A flash of white, and the light dims enough to show clouds roiling in the sky. Satan comes up quickly, and then stops. This is heaven. A group of Mormon souls gather around him
Mormon 1
Hi hi, welcome to heaven, brother. You've followed the Mormon faith, and so you've been let in!
Satan
Uh, actually, I'm just stopping by.
Mormon 2
Well, you've picked a great time! We've got cookies and punch and we're just about to start playing charades.
Mormons
[ad lib all at once] Alright. Yeah.
Mormon 1
And then, Brother Stephen's brought his guitar so we can sing songs about how much it hurts to lie.
Mormons
Ooooh!
Mormon 3
Yeahahah!
Satan
Ah, look, I just need to talk with God. Is he around?
Mormon 2
Sure. All you have to do is say his name and he's there.
Mormon 1
I'm so grateful for that.
Mormons
[in assent] Me, too. Uh huh.
Satan
Great. Thanks. [walks off]
Heaven, a separate area. Satan walks into it and turns to the camera
Satan
[clears his throat] Ah... Hello? G-God? It's uh... Satan. [quickly shields his eyes as a sphere of light descends towards him]
God
[in silhouette] Yea. Look upon me, and know me.
Satan
Hi, God.
God
Hello, Satan. [has a body made from bits of some of the creatures he created] It's... been a long time.
Satan
Yeah.
God
What brings you here? Do you wish to mount your unholy war against heaven?
Satan
No, I have a problem, and I... need your advice.
God
You want to rule more than hell? You want to destroy the Earth?
Satan
No, it's kind of a long story but, well, it all started when this Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein, [God scratches behind his left ear] was killed by a pack of wild boars. I remember when I first met him in hell. It was a lovely morning in April...
Cartman's church, day. Cartman leads the kids in singing and rolls on his back a few times.
Cartman
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! And now, I'm receiving a message directly from God-uh! God is telling me that... each and every one of you is to walk up to the stage, and give me one dollar! [The clapping stops as confused faces appear in the congregation, and the music quiets a bit. Stan and Kyle look at each other as Cartman goes for the collection box] So I want everyone to feel the love of God by coming up heah, [sets the box at center stage] and putting a dollar in the box-ah! [kids begin to approach the stage] Come on, don't be shy! Come on now! [rolls on his back as the donations come in]
Stan
Dude, that seems kind of... weird.
Kyle
Yeah. I don't remember him saying anything about this.
Heaven, a separate area. Satan finishes his story
Satan
...And now Chris and Saddam just keep killing each other over and over and... I don't know which one to pick.
God
[considers the story, then] Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
Satan
Huh?
God
You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.
Satan
Well, I just don't know which one to pick.
God
No, you've become dependent on relationships. So you haven't even considered the option of not being with either of them. [Satan listens] And if you're not sexually attracted to someone, you're not ever going to be. But Saddam isn't right either. He's the other extreme. You need to spend time alone so that you can find the balance, the middle ground. That's what I always do, because I'm a Buddhist.
Satan
God, you're right. You know, I've had steady relationships for the last... thousand years, and when one ends I just start another one, but... I haven't taken the time to be secure with myself.
God
Bingo. [a fly gets near him and he snaps his tongue out to catch it and eat it]
Satan
Hey... Thanks, God. I forgot how clear you make things sometimes.
God
It was nice to see you again, Satan.
Satan
You too.
God
Goodbye. [turns into the sphere of light and flies up and away. Satan turns and walks off, but encounters the Mormons]
Mormon 2
Would you like to stay for some cookies and punch?
Mormon 1
Yes, would you?
Satan
Uh, no, I need to be getting back.
Mormon 2
Oh, alright then, but you're gonna miss our big play.
Mormon 4
Yes. We're going to do a play about how alcohol can ruin family life.
Satan
Wow. That sounds great, but uh, I really gotta go. [disappears in a burst of flames]
Mormon 1
Well, he seemed like a nice fellow.
Mormon 4
Yes. [a few seconds of silence follow]
Mormon 2
Let's go make things out of egg cartons.
Mormons
[ad lib] Oooh, yeah. I'll do that.
Cartman's church, day. The singing and clapping have resumed. Stan and Kyle go through some curtains to the back of the church.
Cartman
[offscreen] Yeess. [the camera looks at him, now rolling around shirtless in $1 bills, now grabbing a bunch and bathing in them] Yeess. [sees Stan and Kyle] It worked, you guys, it actually worked!
Stan
What worked?
Cartman
Eh-everybody bought the whole act! They keep giving and giving until we have it all!
Stan/Kyle
What?
Kyle
You're keeping that money yourself?
Cartman
Of course, you guys! And then we can make... ten million dollars! [grins big] Look, the tooth fairy thing didn't work, the boy band thing didn't last, so I tried this route.
Stan
Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. You mean that this whole thing has just been a way for you to make ten million dollars?
Cartman
It all came to me days ago, when we were first in Sunday school.
Stan
[he and Kyle are now angry] Well, what about going to hell and all that?!
Cartman
Dude, if God is all-understanding, he wouldn't send us to hell. Even Sister Anne told me that.
Kyle
[points] Then why didn't you tell us?!
Cartman
My brain is of a much larger size than you guys's. I couldn't expect you to understand, not until you actually saw the cash flow!
Kyle
The only thing of yours that's larger in size is your big fat ass!
Cartman
[rolls around in the money] Suck my balls!
Stan
Dude, I an so disillusioned right now.
Somewhere in hell. Chris and Saddam are fighting once again. Saddam charges at him with a gray brick
Saddam
Die, pussy! [smashes the brick on Chris's head, and they both fall]
Chris
Ow..! [gets up, grabs one of Saddam's legs, and pulls it off]
Saddam
Aagghh! [gets up, grabs his leg back and beats Chris over the back with it. Chris falls on his face]
Chris
Aagghh! [grabs one end of the leg, and now it's a tug of war. Satan arrives and sees the battle]
Satan
Guys, guys, guys! [the two rivals stop and face him] Look, you both can stop fighting now! I've made a decision.
Chris
You have?
Satan
Yes. I... don't want to be with either one of you.
Chris/Saddam
What?!
Satan
Saddam, you're an asshole. And you'll never be the friend that I want. And Chris, well, you're a pussy. And you'll never be the lover I want. [Chris looks dejected] So I'm just gonna be alone for a while and learn to like myself. [Saddam sighs]
Chris
Satan. Can we go for a walk in the park?
Satan
No, I'm not going on a walk! You're a pussy, Chris, and you drive me crazy; go away!
Chris
Fine. [walks away]
Saddam
Hell, you can't leave me, Satan! I won't let you! [Satan is shocked]
Cartman's church, next day. Cartman holds forth. Stan and Kyle stand behind the collection box as kids stop by and put in their $1 donations
Cartman
Today is another day! And that's another dollar the Lord needs from you-uh! So come on up and give to the Lord-uh! [Sister Anne enters the church]
Sister Anne
[walking down center aisle] Alright kids, it's time to go. It's time for this to stop!
Cartman
Sister Anne is a blasphemer!
Sister Anne
I know you won't listen to me. That's why I brought somebody else. [steps aside. The curtains part. Jesus enters and walks down the aisle]
Kids
[in obvious awe] Wow!
Butters
Jesus!
Cartman
[worried] Uh-oh.
Jesus
Kids, you need to all stop spending all your time here and go back to school.
Cartman
[tugs on Jesus' robs, then softly] Jesus, ix-nay on the ool-schay.
Jesus
God doesn't want you to spend all your time being afraid of hell, or praising His name. God wants you to spend your time helping others, and living a good, happy life. That's how you live for Him.
Cartman
[goes for the collection box again] Ee-yes, by doing that, [brings it out] and, putting a dollar in the box-uh!
Bebe
Let's go ice-skating.
Girls
Yea! [leave their seats]
Butters
Uh, we can help Timmy learn how to ice-skate, too.
Boy
Yeah. [others leave their seats and vacate the church]
Cartman
[on his knees] No, come back! You face everlasting damnation! [the last congregant leaves the church] Wait! No! No! [pounds the floor with his fists a few times] I can't be cheated out of my ten million dollars again! God damnit!
Kyle
Serves you right, Cartman!
Stan
Yeah!
Jesus
But Eric, I think this time I have to teach you a lesson. I'm sending you somewhere to think about your sins!
Cartman
You're gonna send me to hell?
Jesus
No. Worse!
Ensenada, Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the background. A tour bus stops in front of Papas and Beer and drops Cartman off, then pulls away
Kenny
[rushes up to him] (Eric! Eric!)
Cartman
[sees Kenny] Aw, crap!
Hell, the park. Satan is strolling through the park in a happy mood
Satan
[encounters two men] Hi, Bob. Hi, Rick.
Rick
Hi, Satan.
Saddam
[waiting in the road] There you are!
Satan
[rolls his eyes] Awgh... Not again.
Saddam
You know you can't live without me. Now get that ass back to bed!
Satan
Saddam, I told you, I don't need you anymore!
Saddam
You can't leave me, Satan. Nobody leaves me.
Satan
Yes, I can! Raaarrr! [blasts a hole through Saddam with lightning from his index finger. Saddam falls]
Saddam
Aw, you little..prick!
Satan
Goodbye forever, Saddam!
Saddam
[coughs] What are you talking about? You can kill me, but I'll be back tomorrow.
Satan
Not this time. I asked a favor of an old friend of mine to let you in.
Saddam
Let me in where? [flames engulf Saddam and disappears]
Heaven, Saddam is whisked into it, as Satan was
Saddam
What the..? Hey, what the hell is this place?!
Mormon 5
Hello, and welcome.
Mormon 1
We're glad you made it, brother.
Saddam
Ey, who the hell are you?
Mormon 6
We're just about to do a play, about how much stealing hurts you deep inside. Come join us. [he and others crowd in on Saddam]
Mormons
[ad lib] Yes. Come on. Let's go.
Mormon 6
You're here forever. [the Mormons lift him up and carry him away over their heads]
Saddam
Nooo! N-nooooooooooo!
卡特曼邪教 结束