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Leftarrow 卡通战争·上 卡通战争·下/剧本 百万小纤维 Rightarrow

出场角色

  • Kyle
  • Cartman
  • Announcer
  • SNN Anchor
  • Professor Thomas
  • Terrance
  • Phillip
  • Mohammad (Canadian voice)
  • Network President
  • FOX President (Doug)
  • FOX Executives
  • Miss Travis, Receptionist
  • Bart Simpson
  • Al-Zawahri
  • Osama bin Laden
  • Trucker
  • President Bush
  • Reporters, including ones from TCO and LSX
  • Mitchell
  • Woman and fellow Programmers
  • Family Guy: The Griffins
    • Peter
    • Lois
  • Waiter
  • Gary Coleman
  • Al-Qaeda Films
    • Americans
    • President Bush
    • Jesus

剧本

卡通战争·下
"Previously on South Park..." SNN News is on the air...
Announcer
Previously on South Park...
SNN Anchor
The popular cartoon, Family Guy, is going to show the image of Mohammad uncensored!
a shot of the town hall, where the town has gathered to listen to emergency plans on dealing with Family G
Prof. Thomas
If we all bury our heads in sand, [a shot of the townsfolk with their heads in the sand] we can avoid being any part of this.
a shot of the four boys in front of the school, before Cartman heads off to L.
Cartman
I'm gonna do whatever I can... to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand.
a shot of Kyle in the desert when he learns of Cartman's true intentio
Kyle
You just want Family Guy off the air...
Kyle messes with Cartman's Big Wheels to slow him down. Cartman fishtail
Cartman
Kyle, stop it!
A shot of both of them after Kyle loses his Big Whee
Cartman
So long, Kyle!
Kyle
You son of a bitch! I won't let you win!
A shot of President Bush and of the FOX Preside
FOX President
Mr. President, there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know. [a close-up of Bush looking perplexed.]
Announcer
And now, the thrilling conclusion of... Cartoon Wars... will not be seen tonight! ["Special Presentation"] so that we can bring you this Terrance & Phillip Television Special [tooot! Terrance & Phillip... in... Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch. Terrance and Phillip are shown catching a blackhat in action]
Lazy "J" Ranch, day. Terrance and Phillip ride their hors
Phillip
Say Terrance, isn't it wonderful having a holiday here at the Lazy "J" Ranch?
Terrance
It sure is, Phillip. But I do believe this steer I'm riding has the farts. [the horse farts and its tail goes up like a flag. They both laugh. Terrance is still fat]
Phillip
Oh, look who's coming! Isn't that Mohammad, the holy prophet of the Muslim religion? [Mohammad, covered with a "CENSORED BY CBC" bos, rides up to them]
Mohammad
Hey guys, how's it going?
Terrance
Hello Mohammad, we've read all aboat you in the Koran.
Mohammad
I'm here to investigate a murder.
Canadian Broadcasting Compa
Terrance
ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??!!
Phillip
You censored out the image of Mohammad in our television special!!
Network President
Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Mohammad anymore. It's dangerous.
Terrance
But you ruined the whole show!
Network President
Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget aboat it, okay guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.
Phillip
We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Mohammad uncensored!
Network President
Ey! I run this network, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of messages that you've forgotten how to be funny! NO Mohammad!
Terrance
But Family Guy is going to show Mohammad on an episode that airs tonight!
Network President
I doubt it! I'll bet that right now, somebody is on their way to FOX Network to demand that that episode be pulled.
FOX Studios, day. An entrance to the Studios is shown, with guards at heightened secuity. Cartman rides right into the studios with no one noticing him. Cartman enters the main building and approaches a receptioni
Cartman
Ma'am, I need to speak to the president of this network right away.
Receptionist
What is it regarding?
Cartman
It's regarding Family Guy. I demand that the Mohammad episode be pulled before it airs tonight! It's incendiary, it's offensive to Muslims, and people can get hurt! It's wrong! It's WROOONG!
Receptionist
O...kay, but if you've got a problem with Family Guy, you'll have to wait in line. [points to her right. Cartman looks over and then back at the receptionist] That little boy over there has an appointment to try and get Family Guy off the air altogether. [Cartman walks over and sees Bart Simpson seated in a chair, his skateboard leaning on it]
Cartman
Dude, can I go before you?
Bart
Eat my shorts!
The highway, dawn. Kyle, still nursing his shoulder, arrives at a truck stop and his eyes open wi
Kyle
What the hell is going on? [everyone there has his or her head buried in sand. Kyle walks among them] Hello? [stops next to someone in a red sweater] Excuse me, I need to get to Los Angeles. [tugs at the pants. The person waves. Kyle looks around and goes into the diner] Hello?! [a TV in the store is tuned to SNN]
SNN Anchor
...starting in a small town in central Colorado. The idea has now spread all over America. [a helicopter shot of buried heads everywhere] Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode. [more live footage is shown. Kyle gets close to the TV] Amd Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.
Al-Zawahri
[translated text reads] "Family Guy" better not show Mohammad tonight. I'm serious. "Family Guy" isn't funny.
SNN Anchor
Osama bin Laden had this to say:
Osama bin Laden
[translated text reads] If you look closely at the writing in "Family Guy", you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot, and I think that's totally gay.
SNN Anchor
Bin Laden went on to say that if Family Guy shows the image of Mohammad as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immediate. [a rifle appears next to him and a hand cocks it]
Trucker
[with rifle trained on Kyle] You one of them?
Kyle
Who?
Trucker
How come your head ain't in the sand? [Kyle is confused]
FOX Studios. Cartman is seated two chairs away from Bart. Muzak is playing in the backgrou
Cartman
So... you don't like Family Guy either, huh?
Bart
I hate Family Guy.
Cartman
So what's your plan? You're gonna ask the president of the network nicely to take it off the air?
Bart
Not nicely.
Cartman
Look, kid, if you hate a TV show, all you have to do is get an episode pulled. Pretty soon the show is compromised and it goes off the air.
Bart
Cool, man.
Cartman
Yes. So my plan is to use this whole Mohammad thing as a way to scare the network into pulling tonight's show. I'm going to use fear to get them to do what I want.
Bart
Isn't that like, terrorism?
Cartman
...No, it isn't like terrorism. It IS terrorism.
Bart
I could do that.
Cartman
This is manipulation at its highest lever; you should let me handle this.
Bart
I'm a pretty bad kid.
Cartman
Really? What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Bart
I stole the head off a statue once.
Cartman
Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Geez. That's like this one time, when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.
Bart
[compares the two acts in his mind...] You got it, man. You got it. [hops onto his skateboard and skates off]
Cartman
Seeya.
The White House, day. President Bush is addressing the White House press corps in the press ro
President Bush
I want to assure the American people that as President, I have exhausted every possible solution. Unfortunately, Mohammad will appear uncensored on Family Guy tonight at seven.
Reporters
[clamoring] Mr. President!
Reporter 1
[rises] Mr. President, can't the writers of the show be reasoned with? Don't they know they're putting the country in danger? [sits]
President Bush
I have come to... understand something about the Family Guy writing staff. Suffice it to say that they will not be persuaded by the possibility of violence.
Reporters
[clamoring] Mr. President!
Reporter 1
[same one as before] What exactly did you learn about the Family Guy writing staff, Mr. President?
President Bush
[thinks a moment, then leans into the mic and says in a low voice] I'm afraid that information is classified.
Reporters
[in unison] AWWW!!! [then clamoring] Mr. President!
TCO Reporter
[rises] Mr. President, can't you force the Family Guy writing staff not to write anything about Mohammad? [sits]
LSX Reporter
[rises] Couldn't you throw them in prison? [sits]
President Bush
Look! The fact of the matter is the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment!
Reporter 2
And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?
President Bush
[beat] Uh you know, the right to free speech.
Reporters
[in unison] AWWW!!! [they begin to fight furiously and clamor amongst themselves]
Reporter 3
[rises] Mr. President, when your administration came up with this "First Amendment," did it not foresee a problem like this might happen? [sits]
President Bush
[beat] Well... We didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.
TCO Reporter
[rises] What do you intend to do about this "First Amendment," Mr. President? [sits]
Reporter 4
[rises] Forgive me, Mr. President, but this "First Amendment" sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-joob? [sits]
Reporters
Yeah!
Reporter 5
That's right!
FOX Studios, day, the President's office. The FOX President is discussing schedules with the department sta
FOX President
Okay, let's discuss the fall lineup.
Receptionist 2
[enters] Sir, there's still one little boy out here who wants to speak with you about pulling the Family Guy episode
FOX President
All right, let's get this over with. [Cartman enters the room leaning on a crutch]
Cartman
[removes his cap] Hello, gentlemen, ladies. My name is little Danny Pocket. And I won't take much of your time. Please excuse my tiny crutch; it's the only way I can get around these days. Ow...
Staff
Oh, poor kid.
Cartman
You see, my father worked for a newspaper in my native country of Denmark. His newspaper showed an image of Mohammad and, two days later, terrorists suicides bombed his building. I was in the lobby when it happened. [shocked looks on the faces of the staff] First one terrorist suicide bombed us and, then dozens more. They just kept coming. Suicide bombers running in the building and blowing up one after another! They were like Mexican jumping beans. I just don't wanna see people here at your studio getting hurt, because... that would be, of course, your responsibility. [coughs] Ow..
FOX President
I feel terrible. It's so east to put terrorism out of mind until one of its victims is staring you in the face.
Staffer
Sir, if we pull the episode, the Family Guy writing staff will refuse to work again.
FOX President
Little boy, will you talk to the Family Guy writing staff? If your story touches their hearts like it has ours, perhaps they'll back down from demanding we air the episode.
Cartman
I'll certainly do my best. [coughs] Ow.
FOX President
Take this noble child over to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Mohammad episode after all.
Cartman
[turns and walks out, and says softly with an evil smile] Yes, and then Family Guy is as good as dead.
FOX President
What was that?
Cartman
[stops and turns] I I said "thank you." Thank you for listening. [walks out again]
FOX Studios, outside. A truck pulls up to the curb and the passenger door opens. Kyle steps out of the truck and closes the do
Kyle
Thanks a lot for the ride.
Trucker
Ey, it's the least I could do. I hope you succeed, kid. I really don't wanna see Family Guy go off the air. I love that show!
Kyle
I'll do everything I can.
Trucker
I mean, I know it's just joke after joke, but I like that. At least it doesn't get all preachy and up its own ass with messages, you know? [drives off]
FOX Studios, exterior studio wall. Bart is writing "I HATE FAMILY GUY" repeatedly on the wall, much as he'd do in the opening credits of The Simpsons. His skateboard is leaning on the wa
Kyle
[noticing Bart writing, but doesn't see the actual text] Excuse me. [Bart stops writing and approaches Kyle] Do you know which way the network president's office is?
Bart
Who wants to know?!
Kyle
Look, my fat bastard friend is trying to trick the network into getting Family Guy off the air.
Bart
[eyes narrowing] The network president's office is in there! [points to his right, to a small red building labeled "154 c"]
Kyle
Oh thanks, dude.
Bart
No problem, man. [smiles, knowing Kyle isn't going to the right building]
A storage room. This is the building Bart pointed to. Kyle opens the door and ente
Kyle
[looks around] Hello? This can't be right, I- [Bart whacks him from behind with a skateboard, and he falls forward] Ow!
Bart
Cowabunga, motherfucker!
The Family Guy offices. The receptionist shows Cartman
Receptionist 2
[behind a desk] Hello Mitchell.
Mitchell
Oh hi, Miss Travis.
Miss Travis
The president has asked that little Danny Pocket here speak with the Family Guy writing staff.
Mitchell
[rises and walks forth] Are you... sure? They're working on a new episode right now.
Cartman
It won't take long, sir. [coughs with more energy] Ow...
Mitchell
All right, I'll take him back. Follow me, little Danny. [walks back to the writing area. Cartman follows.] You must be excited. Not many people get to meet our writing staff.
Cartman
[removes his cap] Yes, I'm totally excited. Family Guy is so funny.
The Family Guy writing room. Mitchell and Cartman enter and walk by the cubicl
Mitchell
Well, here we are. Danny, the Family Guy writing staff.
Cartman
[stops and stares] Wha? [before him is a wall tank the height of the writing room. Manatees are swimming slowly within, and a huge pile of plastic balls sits at one end of the tank. Some of them are snacking on snall fish] What are they?
Mitchell
They're manatees. [gray manatees] Gretchen and Flubber are from the Gulf of Mexico. Tinker, Pete and Lucy are from the Caribbean Sea.
Cartman
Family Guy is written by manatees? [rethinks] Of course, it all makes sense now.
Mitchell
They really are brilliant creatures. [the camera focuses on the ball pile] You see, the right side of the tank is filled with idea balls. [the camera zooms in and pans across] Each ball has a verb, noun, or pop culture reference written on it. There's millions of them. [A manatee swims to the left side of the tank balancing a ball on its nose] The manatees choose an idea ball and swim it over to the joke combine on the other side of the tank. [another manatee swims into the pile] Uh there goes Gretchen! She's comin' up with an idea. Oh, she came up with Gary Coleman. [another manatee reaches the combine and drops a ball in] The idea balls drop into the joke combine and form part of the new script. [the ball reads "Mexico" as it goes down the pipe into the sorter] Laundry Date Winning Mexico Gary Coleman. A perfect Family Guy joke! I can see it now!
The imagined jo
Lois
Peter, you didn't do the laundry today.
Peter
You think that's bad? Remember the time I won a date to Mexico with Gary Coleman?
Pedro's, somewhere in Mexi
Waiter
¿Qué pasa, señores?
Gary Coleman
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?
Back to the Family Guy offic
Cartman
Waitwaitaminute waitaminute. These... manatees demanded that Mohammad be shown? How? Manatees don't talk!
Mitchell
When FOX censored the image of Mohammad last week, it also meant that the Mohammad ball had to come out of the idea tank. It made the manatees very upset. Pull just one idea ball out of the idea tank, and the manatees stop working. He-here, I'll show you. [looks up] Keith? [Keith, seated at the top of the tank, reaches in and pulls out a green RIVERDANCE ball. The manatees stop in their tracks and slowly drop down as the balls they're carrying slip away from them] All right all right, put it back in! [Keith drops it back in. The manatees respond quickly and resume work] Manatees are very ethical writers. Either everything's okay to write about, or nothing is. Anyway, the president of the network wanted you to ...speak with the manatees.
Cartman
Oh... yes, yes. Um [clears his throat and talks to the tank] hello, manatees. I, I think you should allow the network to pull your episode with Mohammad. See, I'm the victim of a, a terrorist attack and... terrorists might come after you if you-
Mitchell
That isn't gonna work on them.
Cartman
Why not?
Mitchell
Don't you know anything about manatees? They're the only mammals that are completely unmoved by terrorst threats.
Cartman
[softly] Son of a bitch.
The storage room. Kyle is now dangling from the ceiling, enveloped in a rope trap. He struggles to get o
Kyle
[calling to Bart] Let me out of here, kid! Why are you doing this?
Cartman
[voice] Well well well! [now shown walking up to Bart, who's keeping watch while leaning on his skateboard. Cartman has a mean air of satisfaction on him]
Kyle
Cartman!
Cartman
Hello, Kyle. Looks like you've run into a little snag in your plan as well.
Kyle
You fat sun of a bitch!
Cartman
You came so close to stopping me, didn't you, Kyle. There was just one thing you didn't count on: that more people besides me hate Family Guy.
Bart
Yeah.
Kyle
Well, a lot of people like Family Guy too! Who are you to decide it shouldn't be on the air?!
Bart
Shut up! [points to Kyle] You shut your fucking face, man! [to Cartman] Did it work? Did you scare the network into pulling the episode?
Cartman
Not yet! But I've come up with a new plan. I've learned how to make the Family Guy writing staff stop working! As soon as everyone goes on their lunch break, I can sneak back in.
Bart
Cool man!
Kyle
Cartman, let me out of this stupid net!!
Cartman
Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showin' there! See that?! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the storyline! Not at all like Family Guy. Now, if you'll excuse me, Kyle, [turns and walks away] I've got some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank.
Kyle
WHAT?!
Family Guy offices, later. The FOX President looks at the manatee tank along with the rest of the sta
FOX President
I don't understand it. What's wrong with them? [the manatees are floating aimlessly]
Mitchell
We don't know, Mr. President. They just stopped working.
FOX President
[concerned] But, nobody took any idea balls out of the tank, did they?
Mitchell
No sir, none of us did. [Cartman smiles and looks around at the results of his handiwork]
FOX President
Then why are they refusing to write? I agreed to show Mohammad uncensored! I did what you asked! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??!!
Cartman
[hobbles up to him] Sir! Sir! [faces him] If you don't my saying, I think you asked for this. You gave in to the manatees last week. Now they know all they have to do is refuse to work and they can get whatever they want. You spoiled them by caving in. Now they thnk they can walk all over you. [they both turn to face the tank] Sir, you are in charge of this network, not them. Maybe it's time you showed them who's in charge.
FOX President
You're right. It's time I stop letting these primadonna manatees tell me what to do! I'm pulling the Mohammad episode, you got that?! And if you all don't want to work tomorrow, you can just find other jobs!! [faces the staff] How long before Family Guy's supposed to air?!
Executive
Twenty-five minutes.
FOX President
I gotta hurry! [rushes off]
Cartman
I did it. I... AM... GOD!!!
FOX Studios, outside. Cartman has left the offices and dances down a stre
Cartman
Family Guy is going off the air! No more Family Guy for me, mon frère!
Kyle
[appears in the shadows] Cartman!! [Cartman stops in his tracks] You fucking fatass!
Cartman
How the hell did you get out?
Kyle
That kid and I had a long talk! I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
Cartman
Aw, God damnit, you gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?!
Kyle
[seething in anger] You are NOT KILLING FAMILY GUY!!
Cartman
You're too late, Kyle! The president of the network is pulling the episode! Family Guy is as good as dead!
Kyle
[checks his watch] There's still time to tell the network president you're full of CRAP! [runs off]
Cartman
[runs ahead and cuts him off] I can't let you do that!
Kyle
Get out of my way or I'll kick your ass!
Cartman
[takes off his mittens] Fine, Kyle. I guess it was inevitable. [Kyle removes his left mitten with his teeth and spits it away] Let this be our final battle. [they put on their battle faces and begin fighting, which is shown dispassionately. It's all a long series of slaps] Ow. OW! Stop it! Kyle, that's too hard! Ah! [they begin to move along a sidewalk] Ugh. Kyle! Stop it!
Kyle
Ow. Quit it!
Cartman
Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Bleh. Kyle! [throws him up against a wall. They slap each other some more and Kyle throws Cartman up against the wall. Some more fighting and Cartman throws Kyle up against a window, but they both crash through it into the King of the Hill offices.]
King of the Hill offices. The boys continue fighting through the offices, Kyle having the upper ha
Cartman
Stop it!
Kyle
Ow. Quit it!
Cartman
Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Leh- Kyle! Let go- Okay okay come on, time out. Kyle, time out! Time out! Time out. [Kyle stops his attack and a few seconds of silence follow. Then] Time in! [slaps Kyle hard. Kyle waits for a writer to stop staring, then resumes his attack] I d-ow! Uh. Ah. Sh-gah. Okay. Okay. Time out! Kyle t-time out! Time out! Time out! Time out! Time out!
Kyle
No more timeouts, fatass!
Cartman
Time out! Time out! Time out, Kyle! Ay! Ay!
King of the Hill offices, outside at the other end. The doors fly open and the boys fall out, get up, and resume their fighting. They're getting tired thoug
Cartman
Kyle! Kyle! Get the... Get the- Kyle! Kyle, dude, that was- that was in the balls! Dude, serious- seriously! That was in the balls! No hitting- No hitting in the balls! [throws Kyle off, but they resume fighting] Kyle! [Kyle finally gets Cartman in a reverse headlock. A few seconds later, he begins punching Cartman on the ribs] Quit it, Kyle. Give it up, Kyle! [gets out of the headlock, but the fighting resumes] Okay... Okay! Okay okay! [the fighting stops, and they're both panting] You win! You win. I give up. [kicks Kyle square in the nuts. Kyle doubles over in pain, coughing, and Cartman grins] Hahaha! I had my fingers crossed. [Kyle is still immobile, but a skateboard whacks Cartman from behind. Cartman falls over and Bart is there]
Kyle
[coughs] Thanks, kid.
The Office of the FOX President. He's on the pho
FOX President
Network Control! This is the President! I want you to pull the episode.
Woman
[whispers] What? [in normal tone] Mr. President, are you sure? [the other programmers look at her]
FOX President
I'm sure. Begin episode jettison sequence 0 2 900. [two programmers raise their access keys and insert them into corresponding locks in their desks, then turn the keys. Between their desks is a big red "PULL EPISODE" button. Its lid pops up and it begins flashing]
Computer Voice
Abort System initiated.
Programmer 1
Awaiting confirmation.
Woman
Mr. President, we need your final approval code.
FOX President
President approval code [Kyle runs past the office, but notices and comes back] 0-0-destruct-
Kyle
[runs in and interrupts] Sir! Mister television executive! Stop!
FOX President
Who are you?
Kyle
Listen to me: the little boy who convinced you to pull the episode is a bastard child. He only wants you to pull it because he knows it will be the end of Family Guy forever!
FOX President
The end of Family Guy?
Woman
Mr. President, we need final authorization!
FOX President
Hold on, Julie! [covers the transmitter] What are you talking about, kid?
Kyle
Pulling an episode because someone is offended starts a chain reaction. You'll have to pull more and more episodes until the show goes off the air completely. It's what happened to Laverne & Shirley.
FOX President
You mean... the manatees aren't trying to run the network?
Kyle
What manatees??!! [a fist knocks him away and Cartman steps in]
Cartman
Go ahead, Mr. President! Continue what you were doing!
Kyle
[quickly rises] No! You have to show Mohammad, Mr. President!
Woman
Mr. President, we're awaiting your orders!
Kyle
Sir, just think about what you're doing to free speech!
Cartman
No! Think about the people who could get hurt!
FOX President
Ah... I don't know who to listen to!
Cartman
Okay, I'll make it easy for you. [pulls out a gun and aims it at the president] Pull the Mohammad episode, now!
FOX President
Okay, I'll listen to you. [gets back to the phone] Julie?
Kyle
Noo! Wait! You can't listen to him! He's a lying deceitful monster who only wants Family Guy off the air!
FOX President
But he has a gun.
Kyle
You can't do what he wants just because he's the one threatening you with violence!
Cartman
Shut up, Kyle!
FOX President
I can't be responsible for people getting hurt. Especially me.
Kyle
Yes, people can get hurt. That's how terrorism works. But if you give into that, Doug, you're allowing terrorism to work. Do the right thing here.
Cartman
Give the orders to pull the episode, Mr. President!
FOX President
I shouldn't even be in the office still. It's supposed to be half-day Friday.
Woman
Mr. President, thirty seconds to airtime. What do you want us to do?!
Kyle
Do the right thing, Mr. President.
FOX President
How about I allow the episode to air but, just censor out the image of Mohammad again.
Kyle
I wish that was good enough, but if you censor out Mohammad, then soon you'll have to censor out more.
Cartman
No gay speeches, Kyle!
Kyle
If you don't show Mohammad, then you've made a distinction what is okay to poke fun at, and what isn't. Either it's all okay, or none of it is.
Woman
Five seconds, Mr. President! [the programmer J. Walker has his finger hovering on the button]
Kyle
[softly] Do the right thing. Show Mohammad. [Cartman still has his gun on the president] Do. The right. Thing.
Woman
Mr. President, we need a decision now!
FOX President
Family Guy goes on air as planned. Uncensored.
Kyle
Yes! [dances]
Cartman
No! No, I hate Family Guy!! [tries to fire the gun, but it seems to be empty. No bullets come out. He throws it down.]
Woman
Air it! [a different programmer gives his thumbs up and then turns to press the "AIR EPISODE" button. The credits come up and the self-destruct programmers remove their keys and sigh in relief. The "PULL EPISODE" lid comes down]
The episo
Lois
Peter! You got a pink slip at work?
Peter
You think that's bad? Remember the time I got a salmon helmet from Mohammad while wearing a toga?
The flashback. The doorbell rin
Peter
[dressed in a toga, answers the door] Coming Mohammad. [opens the door. A salmon helmet appears and he reaches out to grab it]
In this shot, Mohammad hands
a football helmet to Family Guy.
Comedy Central has refused to

broadcast an image of Mohammad

on their network.
Peter
Wow, a salmon helmet! Thanks! [closes the door and goes back to the sofa]
back to the episo
Peter
Anyway, what were we talking about?
The White House. President Bush and his staff watch the episod
Peter
Oh yeah, my pink slip.
President Bush
Hey, that wasn't bad at all. They just showed Mohammad standin' there, lookin' normal.
An Official
Mr. President, the terrorists are retaliating!
President Bush
What?!
Peter
Or the time I- [click. SNN shows up onscreen]
SNN anchor
As soon as the image of Mohammad appeared, terrorist leader al-Zawahri announced the retaliation!
Al-Zawahri
[translated] We warned you not to show Mohammad- But "Family Guy" did it anyways. So now, here is our retaliation on America!!!
Osama bin Laden & al-Zawahri present
 
an Al Qaeda Films Production
three houses appear against a backdrop of skyscrapers. Each house has a dollar sign on its roof, indicating the wealth of the West
American Male 1
[walks in] Hello, I am American.
American Male 2
[walks in] I'm American too.
American Male 1
We like to crap own each other. [the men take turns crapping on each other]
President Bush
[walks in] Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you. [craps on both of them]
American Male 2
Ugh! We love to crap!
American Female
[walks in] I'm American. I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married.
American Male 3
[walks in] Let's crap. [all five of them begin crapping on each other and Jesus enters the picture]
Jesus
Look at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush? [craps on Bush. More Americans walk in and start crapping]
All
Mmm, yummy yummy crap. [more people crap, and an American flag appears under them, being crapped on]
THE END
?
Al-Zawahri
Oh yeah, take THAT! We burned you! THAT WAS WAY FUNNIER THAN FAMILY GUY.
卡通战争·下 结束
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