FANDOM



Leftarrow 秽语妥瑞儿 大便竞赛/剧本 幻想大陆·上 Rightarrow

出场角色

  • Randy Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Skeeter
  • Stephen Stotch
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Shelly Marsh
  • Stan Marsh
  • Dr. Doctor and Assistant
  • Broloff
  • Chubby Official
  • Third Official
  • Bono
  • Butler
  • Anchorman
  • Female Anchor
  • M. C.
  • Man
  • Secretary
  • Senator

剧本

大便竞赛
Hell's Pass hospital, a patient's room. Randy is sitting on a bed as Dr. Doctor checks his vitals. Randy lets out a sigh of pain.
Dr. Doctor
Well, there's no doubt in my mind, Mr. Marsh. You are constipated. [walks over to a table]
Randy
[quite aware] Thanks for the news flash! I haven't taken a crap in over three weeks! The question is why?!
Dr. Doctor
Well, what food have you been eating?
Randy
P.F. Chang's, mostly. [rubs his belly] Good stuff.
Dr. Doctor
I'm going to prescribe a laxative. [writes out the prescription and turns around] But I must warn you: when you do finally pass this stool, it might be very painful.
Randy
How painful is "painful"?
The Marsh house, night. Randy is in the bathroom trying to crap. He strains and groans for a good long while.
an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after.
Randy
Oh God. Oh, here it comes. [he goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times. A few seconds later, the banner and award disappear] Whoa, hot! Hot hot! Whoaaa hot hot hot hot hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard as he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoaaa! Whoa hot! Hot hot hothothothot hot hot! [back in the bathroom. The stool finally comes out] Dohhhhhhhhhh! Oooh! Oohoo. [begins to sob from relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper to wipe his ass clean] Oh God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow... That... is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-... Hey Sharon. Sharon you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon?
Sharon
[opens the door and enters] What is it, Randy? Do you have any- [looks in the toilet] OH! [squeezes her eyes closed and covers her nose with her right arm] Randy!
Randy
Will you look at that? Is that the biggest crap you've ever seen or what?
Sharon
[a view from behind the toilet] Flush the toilet for Christ's sake!
Randy
Come on! That's pretty impressive! [Stan wanders in from the hall, and Stan calls him] Wha-hey Stan! Stan, look at this. [Stan walks closer to the toilet]
Sharon
Randy!
Randy
[on bended knee next to Stan] Look what your old man made.
Stan
No way!
Randy
Huh? Never seen one that big, have you?
Stan
No, never.
Shelly
[wanders in] Gross, Dad, sick! [turns around quick and leaves]
Sharon
All right, will you flush the toilet now?! [crosses her arms]
Randy
[rises and leans over to flush the toilet. Stan steps out of he way] I'll try, but I don't think- [stand straight again] wait wait wait wait a minute. I gotta call Jimbo first.
Sharon
Why?!
Randy
Well he's gotta see this.
Sharon
No, we are flushing the toilet right now-
Randy
[turns around and blocks any access to the toilet] No! Jimbo has to see it so when I tell the guys how big it was, they'll know I'm not lying!
Sharon
Oh, for the love of God, Randy! [turns left and leaves]
Randy
Sharon, this is important! Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo. I'm gonna stand guard. [spreads his left and hunches down in a defensive position]
Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. It's open and the sound of men laughing is heard. Inside, the town's men are gathered for Happy Hour. Randy enters the bar
Randy
Hey guys!
Gerald
Hey Randy.
Stephen
Oh, hey Randy.
Stuart
Are you feelin' better?
Randy
Yeah, I-naw, I'm totally fine now.
Jimbo
You guys shoulda seen the crap Randy took last night! It was honestly, the biggest crap anyone has ever taken. Ever.
Randy
[being modest] Well I don't know about ever...
Randy
I'm tellin' you this thing was the size of a freakin' football.
Randy
[being modest] I guess it was pretty big.
Stuart
A football? That's amazing.
Stephen
I've never heard of one that big.
Gerald
[chuckles] Oh, my brother took a crap once, that was enormous. It was the biggest in the history of the world, I think. [laughs. The other guys laugh, but Randy shuts up and looks around]
Randy
[softly] It wasn't bigger than mine was.
Gerald
Oh no, seriously, this crap was a monster! [laughs. The other guys join in]
Randy
[softly] Mine... mine was bigger.
Gerald
I doubt it. [snicker]
Randy
[looks around] You wanna see it?
Randy's study, later. Randy leads the other men in towards a covered display case. Present are Jimbo, Gerald, Skeeter, Stephen and Stuart. Randy takes off the wraps and steps back so the other guys could behold the greatness that is Randy's crap.
Stuart
Oh my freaking Lord.
Skeeter
That did not seriously come out of your ass.
Randy
Oh yes, it did. Go ahead and check it for splits. It's one solid piece.
Gerald
Jesus...
Randy
[feeling vindicated] That uh, a little bigger than your brother's there, Gerald?
Gerald
It's... other-worldly.
Stephen
Randy, have you called the people from the Guinness Book of World Records? I mean, this might seriously be the biggest crap in history!
Randy
[gets out a spray can of water] That's why I gotta make sure to keep it safe. [spritzes the poop so it doesn't dry up and crack apart under the two lights it's under]
Sharon
[at the doorway] Randy Marsh!
Randy
[quickly hides everything under the wraps] Aw crap!
Sharon
What the hell do you think you're doing keeping that thing in our house?!
Randy
The guys agree, Sharon: it could be a record holder.
Sharon
Why are men so obsessed with how big their crap is?!
Guinness Book of World Records, corporate office, day. In the secretary pool, a secretary picks up a phone
Secretary
Guinness World Records America. How can I help you? [listens while typing with the right hand, then stops altogether] The biggest crap? We actually don't keep track of that record, sir. [listens] Because we don't want to. [listens] Look, we get calls from men all the time who believe they took the biggest crap, and we simply can't handle all the measuring and verification. [listens] You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich. [listens] You're welcome. [hangs up and resumes typing] Jeez, another one. [the phone rings again and she picks up] Guinness World Records America.
Randy
[gets through. The other guys stand by the sofa] Uhh yes, hello. My name is Randy Marsh, and I believe I took the world's biggest crap. [holds a thumbs up. The other guys do as well]
Secretary
[long sigh, then flatly] You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich. Their number is listed on their Web site.
European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office, Zurich, day. Majestic music plays. Inside, a woman and several men in judge's robes walk around chatting with other officials
Chubby Official
[hands a manila envelope to a balding gray-haired man] Herr President, take a look at this. [the president opens the envelope and looks at a picture within it] It is a crap sent to us from the United States.
EFSM President
Very niiice. [it's a picture of Randy measuring the crap with a measuring tape and grinning at the camera] Has it been checked for accuracy?
Chubby Official
It appears to be legitimate, based on the photo. We estimate that the crap is over eight and a half Courics!
EFSM President
[serious] We'd better get on a plane. Right away. [smiles]
Randy's study, some days later. Three representatives of the EFSM Office are inside inspecting the crap as Randy watches on, and sniffing from time to time.
EFSM President
Hm, enshnusen?
Chubby Official
Verron snusunarich.
EFSM President
What was your primary diet for this poo, Mr. Marsh?
Randy
Uhh, mostly P.F. Chang's. General Tso's Chicken... Oh and uh, and a lot of uh Aunt Jemima's Frozen Sausage Biscuits in the morning.
Chubby Official
I believe I detect some cabbage as well?
Randy
Ohh yes, I had a lot of kim chee.
Sharon
[at the doorway] You have got to be kidding me.
Randy
[turns around and marches towards her] These guys are from Zurich, Sharon! They're Europeans! [the EFSM President joins Randy]
EFSM President
It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh.
Sharon
For the love of God!
EFSM President
Your crap officially weighs... 8.6 Courics
Randy
Courics...
Chubby Official
The standard measuring unit for human feces. One Katie Couric is approximately two and a half pounds of excrement.
EFSM President
The current record is a crap weighing 7.5 Courics.
Randy
But that means...
Third Official
That's right. You are the new world's champion!
Randy
Really?! Yuh, you mean, REALLY?! [jumps for joy] Hey Stan! I uh- Hey Sharon! Hey everybody! [walks off]
EFSM President
Well, I guess we'd better call the old champion and let him know his record has just been broken.
An awards ceremony.
M. C.
He has won twenty-two Grammy's, countless humanitarian awards, and is the only person ever to be nominated for an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, and the Nobel Peace Prize. Ladies and gentlemen, Bono! [fanfare goes up amid applause. Bono rises from his seat on stage and struts over to the mic. He grabs the award from the M.C., kisses his left index and middle fingers, and throws the kiss off to the audience]
Bono
[wearing a fancy straw cowboy hat] Thank you. Thank you so much for this newest award; it means so much. [a phone rings and he looks around] Oh. Excuse me. I must be getting another award. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone. He answers it] Yes?
EFSM President
Yes, Bono, sir, we wish to inform you that your record for biggest crap has just been broken.
Bono
What?! That's impossible! How big was it?
The White House, day. An elaborate stage with three massive LCD screens is set up. "Stars and Stripes Forever" plays
Senator
We are here to honor the first American to bring home the distinguished EFSM medal for biggest crap ever taken. [applause. The Marshes are present. Randy is decked out in garlands. Sharon looks quite embarrassed. Jimbo, Gerald, Stephen, Stuart, and Skeeter are behind them]
Randy
Hey look, Sharon, it's the President! He-hey Sharon!
Senator
To present the award I give you the dean of the EFSM, Sir Orloff Broloff. [makes way for the dean, who is also the president]
Broloff
Thank you, Senator. For over a hundred years, the European Fecal Standards and Meas-
Chubby Official
Herr Broloff! Herr Broloff! [whispers into his ear]
Broloff
Das shpoitenhoff? [to the crowd] Ahhh ladies and gentlemen, I understand we have just received a special video-taped announcement from Bono!
People in Crowd
Oh! Bono? Cool!
Broloff
Could we play the tape on the big screen, please?
The tape. Bono appears onscreen without his hat.
Bono
Hello everyone! I, am Bono. ["BONO" flashes on the screen a few times, then a short montage with real life photos of Bono performing and holding his awards follows]. "Hello, hello, helloooo. Yeah yeah yeah yeah." ["BONO" flashes on the screen a few times more, then he speaks] For years it has been my honor to try and bring focus to the needs in Africa, and today, I have very exciting news. Last night, at twenty past eight, I took a crap weighing nine and a half Courics.
Crowd
Whoa!
Sharon
[lifts her head up] Bono?! [a black and white photo of Bono laying on his stomach while looking into the camera with his hands directing the viewers to the giant crap. The monster appears next to a Grammy award for comparison - the Grammy looks like a toy]
Bono
As you can see, it is one solid piece. [another black and white shot of him adoring his massive crap on a cushion flanked by two Grammys] It is my biggest crap to date, and I swear to its authenticity. Thank you, and God bless. [an exiting montage follows with the text "BONO" flashing on the screen.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Broloff
You heard it, ladies and gentlemen! The official biggest crap is... 9.5 Courics! Congratulations to Bono! [fanfare goes up amid applause]
Man
Bo-no! Woo-ooo!
The Marsh house, day. Randy sits on the edge of the back porch crying. Stan comes out to check on him
Stan
Dad, um, I think dinner's almost ready.
Randy
[from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!
Stan
Gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
Randy
[instinctively replies] You're welcome. [continues] And I just,.. I know that this late in my life I'll never come so close to finally having ...meaning.
Sharon
Come on guys, lasagna's ready.
Randy
[angrily] Oh. Lasagna's ready. [turns around] You hear that, Stan? Mom says lasagna... is ready! I can see through your sarcasm, Sharon!
Sharon
What are you talking about?
Randy
[walks up to her] You can say it, Sharon! I know Bono's better than me! I'm sorry I'm not Bono, all right?! Sorry that I don't have... billions of dollars and a Nobel prize nomination!
Sharon
Randy, this is ridiculous!
Randy
[offended] Oh, that's real mature, Sharon! Just act like everything's funny! It's a big joke to you, isn't it?! Just a big joke! [Sharon avoids eye contact] Don't touch me! [pulls away a bit, then goes back inside the house]
Sharon
[to Stan] Can you believe him?! All this over what guy took the biggest crap!
Stan
You don't understand, Mom. You just don't understand. [turns around and walks in]
Sharon
Wha? Wha?
Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. The men are gathered there again for Happy Hour, but they're all depressed.
Jimbo
How come they just let that Bono guy send a picture of his crap?
Stuart
'Cause he's Bono, that's why.
Stephen
But he could have faked it. It isn't fair!
Randy
Doesn't matter. He's got the record now; there's nothing I can do.
Gerald
[slams his fist on the counter] Oh yes there is! You could do it again!
Randy
[incredulous] What?
Gerald
Think about it: you weren't even trying to take the biggest crap last time. Imagine if you actually worked at it!
Stephen
[getting enthusiastic] Hey. Hey that's right.
Randy
Nooo. I can't go through all that again. It's too much.
Skeeter
Come on, Randy. I'll bet you can crap that big again easy!
Stuart
With the right diet and training, who knows what you're capable of?
Randy
[rises and heads for the door] Guys, forget it! It's over! It was a fluke crap; I'll never take one that big again!
Stephen
Is it over, Randy?! We all saw that crap you took! That was no fluke! There's something inside you that made you able to do it! Randy, you have a gift. Now who knows why God chose you, but he did! And if you walk away now, you'll always... wonder... how big a crap you could have taken!
Randy
[with some resignation] I would need a lot of help.
Gerald
That's what we're here for.
Jimbo
Come on, Randy, what do you say?!
Randy
I say... [turns around] Let's give Bono a run for his money! [the other men are glad to hear this, so they mob him and talk about it] Yeah!! [shakes his head like a lion] YYEEAAHHHH!
CNN Headline News.
Anchorman
Tonight, a possible attack on Iran may mean the beginning of a new war in the Middle East.
Sharon
Oh no.
Anchorman
But first, the record for the world's biggest crap: will it again be broken?
Sharon
[disgusted and annoyed] Agh!
Anchorman
Randy Marsh of Colorado is now three weeks into his quest to make a new crap, spending nearly every waking hour at P.F. Chang's. [a shot of Randy feasting away on noodles, shrimp, crab legs, etc.].
Female Anchor
Is this really newsworthy?
Anchorman
You just don't understand.
Female Anchor
You're right. I don't.
Anchorman
[the camera zooms in on him] At the same time, some people are questioning Bono's current record entry, saying nobody has ever seen it in person. Bono could not be reached for comment, as he is currently in Africa helping the needy.
An African sunset. Bono dances down a dirt street in a slum, singing "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah..." His phone rings and he answers it.
Bono
Hello, hello.
Broloff
Marsh is attempting to break the record again. We thought you should know.
Bono
He can't beat my nine and a half Courics!
Broloff
Well he's going to try.
Bono
Fine, but he has to take the crap in front of you! In Zurich.
Broloff
Bono, we've never had that rule before.
Bono
I's the only way you can know 'e's not cheating! If he doesn't crap in Zurich, it shouldn't count!
Back at Hell's Pass Hospital. Randy is looking quite bloated now, almost... pregnant.
Assistant
Ultrasound is very simple, Mr. Marsh. We're going to use harmless waves to look inside your belly. Just gonna put some warm gel on your stomach first. [does this and lets it spread]
Randy
Oooooo.
Assistant
Okay, take a deep breath. [Randy takes the breath and the assistant puts the camera on the belly, then turns to the monitor to his right] I see the crap now. I can't say for sure, but I, I'd say is about... 14 Courics. [Skeeter, Stephen, Stuart, Gerald and Jimbo are now shown in the room with smiles on their faces. Jimbo is sitting on a chair near the bed holding Randy's hand.]
Jimbo
Fourteen?! [grins]
Stephen
That's great, Randy!
Randy
Can I, can I see it?
Assistant
Sure. [swivels the monitor towards Randy] This is your colon, a-and here... [softly, warmly] is the feces growing inside your belly. [a musicbox begins to play as Randy marvels at his poop]
Randy
Ahhh...
an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after.
Gerald
[rushes into the room] Guys, we have a problem! [the Emmy and banner disappear] I talked to the EFSM and they say Randy has to take the crap in Zurich.
Randy
In Zurich?
Gerald
They say that Bono is demanding it and that their hands are tied.
Assistant
I'm sorry Mr. Marsh, I I cannot condone you traveling on an airplane in your condition. It is never safe to fly during your turd trimester.
Bono's mansion, big enough to be a hotel. Stan is at the front doors, ringing the bell. A butler opens the doors.
Stan
Hi, could I speak with Mr. Bono, please?
Butler
Mr. Bono, you have a young gentleman caller! [two doors fly open and Bono dances out of a ballroom]
Bono
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [stops in front of a mirror] Get the jet ready, Bovis! I've got to be going. [puts on his hat]
Stan
Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. My dad's trying to beat your record for biggest crap.
Bono
Oh right. He can't make it to Zurich, right?
Stan
That's kind of what I'm here for: Do you really need the biggest crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just... letting my dad have this one?
Bono
[turns around to face Stan] Let him have it? Why would I do that?!
Stan
Look, you you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.
Bono
[walks over to his trophy section and whips out a trophy containing an open magazine.] I have the first-place trophy for that.
Stan
[a bit shocked] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and, you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of... fuck off?
Bono
[puts the trophy down and goes back to the mirror] I want people to know that I'm worth something. That I matter.
Stan
All I'm asking is that maybe with this one thing, let my dad be number 1. A-and you can still be number 2.
Bono
[insulted] Number two?! NUMBER TWO?! [he turns around and charges towards Stan, grabbing him. He then throws Stan up against a gold record on the wall and holds him there]
Stan
Agh!
Bono
Nobody calls me that anymore and gets away with it! Take it back! TAKE IT BACK!
Stan
I take it back!
Bono
Say I'm not number two!
Stan
You're not number two!
Bono
That's right! I'm not! [releases him and dances back to the ballroom, singing away.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [The butler returns]
Stan
What is wrong with that guy?
Butler
Your father is in grave danger. Come with me! [Stan follows him out]
EFSM Office, Zurich, day. In the main lobby, Randy is on a toilet made for this occasion, pushing hard to get that poop out, but it's taking a while... He takes several quick breaths to try again... He pushes hard again. Bono is present for the delivery.
Chubby Official
It must be quite a crap.
Jimbo
Come on, Randy. You have to push! [Randy takes several more quick breaths and pushes...]
The German Autobahn. Bono's butler zooms down the road with Stan riding along
Stan
What are you saying?! How do you know my dad is gonna die?!
Butler
Because nobody has ever taken a crap that big before!
Stan
So Bono's newest record is a lie!
Butler
Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.
Stan
So?
Butler
So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder...
Stan
He's the record.
Butler
[whispers] Yes.
EFSM Office, Zurich. Randy has yet to squeeze it out.
Randy
[in frustration] I can't do it! I can't do it!
Assistant
The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh. We must perform a Caesarean!
Randy
But then, does it still count?
Bono
Oh no! The biggest crap means you crapped it out!
Broloff
I believe that's true. We are sorry, Mr. Marsh, but, if you cannot crap out the crap, it's not really a crap.
Randy
[sobs] No... Nooo...
Jimbo
There there Randy, you... You gave it your best shot.
Randy
I want my wife. Sharon? Sharon? [she walks up to him]
Sharon
[pissed off] What?!
Randy
I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. Sorry I can't crap like Bono.
Broloff
Well congratulations, Bono, it appears your record is intact.
Bono
I had a feeling it would be.
Stan
[runs in] Wait! Stop! Dad, your old crap counts. Bono never took a second crap to beat yours.
Bono
Get him out of here!
Third Official
What are you talking about, young man?
Stan
Somebody's been keeping it a secret. Bono was never the record holder! He's the record!
Bono
It's not true! Kill the kid! I want him dead!
Broloff
It's too late, Bono. The boy has learned the truth.
Chubby Official
Herr Broloff, what do you know of this?
Broloff
It's true, I'm afraid. You see, until Mr. Marsh came along, I was the record holder for the biggest crap. I took it back in 1960. It was the most amazing crap I'd ever taken.
Bono
Poppa no! Say nothing more!
Broloff
Come to me my... darling precious child. [Bono sobs and walks over to him. Broloff hugs him] After I had broken the record I took the crap home. I was so proud of it that I... decided to keep it, to try and raise it like a child.
Bono
No Poppa... No Poppa...
Broloff
[strokes his hair] There there, my little crap. [props Bono's chin up] Don't cry. [unbuttons his coat, vest, and shirt] Here, do you want the biddy? Hm? [holds his left breast out to Bono] Does Bono want the biddy? [Bono whimpers and begins sucking on the teat] Yes, he likes the biddy doesn't he?
Stan
Dude.
Broloff
I kept the crap in my office, nursed it, fed it biddy. And soon biddy made him strong. Biddy made him grow up! Into one of the most influential figures of our time. [looks down] Easy Bono, that hurts the biddy.
Bono
Biddy. [keeps sucking]
Broloff
My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really... a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.
Stan
That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.
Chubby Official
You have blemished this noble society's good name, Herr Broloff.
Broloff
Have I?! [pops Bono off his tit. Bono tries helplessly to return to the tit and suck on it] Look at the crap I took all those years ago! Bono is now almost six feet tall and over 80 Courics in weight! No matter how you look at it he IS still the record!
Randy
Oh God, here it comes! [everyone gathers around him again, even Sharon] Ohhh hot hot hot hot! HOTTT hot hot hot hot hot! Hot! Hot! [he poops, and begins to rise as the poop piles on] Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ot [finally stops. Beneath him is a pillar of poop almost six feet tall]
Third Official
My God...
Chubby Official
It must be over a hundred Courics!
Stan
Dad, are you all right?
Randy
Yeah, I'm... [looks down at his accomplishment] I'm good! [arms akimbo] Feel a lot better.
an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after.
Chubby Official
[approaching] Mr. Marsh, we apologize, and if it's okay with you, we would like to present you... your long overdue trophy. [the banner disappears, but the official reaches out and grabs the Emmy. He walks over and jams it into the pillar of poop. Everyone claps except Stan and Sharon.]
大便竞赛 结束
除了特别提示,社区内容遵循CC-BY-SA 授权许可。