南方公园中文维基
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南方公园中文维基


小雞雞寶貝 小雞雞寶貝 家庭與社會/劇本 諾亞非舟 諾亞非舟

出場角色[]

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Randy Marsh
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Ned Gerblansky
  • Liane Cartman
  • Fonics Monkey
  • Hooked On Monkey Fonics Female Voice
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Hat
  • Craig Tucker
  • Butters Stotch
  • Pip Pirrup
  • Token Black
  • Mark Cotswolds
  • Rebecca Cotswolds
  • Mr. Cotswolds
  • Mrs. Cotswolds
  • Ronnie James Dio and Band

劇本[]

家庭與社會
The Cartman house, night. Liane brings a box into the dining room.
Liane
[sets the box down on the floor] Eric, Mommy got you a present!
Cartman
[suddenly excited] A present?? Is it a rocket racer?? No, let me guess: It's a Frogman Jay doll! No wait, I know! It's a police power chopper!
Liane
Nnno, I got you something that's going to help you win the big spelling bee tomorrow.
Cartman
[drops and sighs heavily] Mom, I'm not going to win the spelling bee; I never do.
Liane
This year is gonna be different. Look! [places the box on the table] I got you "Hooked On Monkey Fonics." [mom and son look at each other]
Cartman
[after a while] What the hell is "Hooked On Monkey Fonics?"
Liane
It's a new way to learn how to read and spell. And it comes with everything you need to help win that spelling bee. [unpacks the contents: two cassette tapes, a tiny drum set, an owner's manual, and a live monkey. The monkey chatters] It says we just put the cassette into a tape player [does it, and presses the Play button. A glissant plays, and the monkey sits behind the drum set]
Female Voice
Welcome to "Hooked On Monkey Fonics," level 1. I will read the sounds and the monkey will help keep the beat. [Liane smiles] If your monkey arrived in the box dead, call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey. Ready? Let's begin. [glissant. The monkey plays. A little rap follows]

The learning monkey is here to say
That reading is easy and it's okay.[Liane starts swaying like a metronome]
Work with the monkey and you will learn
To spell hard words, like "morbid" and "fern."
Start with Card 1. [Liane holds it up] Ready? Begin! [glissant] C, H. [a "ch" sound] Chalk. [the monkey plays four beats more, then turns to Cartman. One more beat...]

Cartman

[finally responds, keeping the beat] C, H. "Ch." Chalk.

Female Voice

Good. Card 2. [Liane holds it up] T, H. [a hard "th"] There.

Cartman

T, H. "Th." There.

Hey, this is easy! [raps] I'm gonna win the spelling bee for sure, Mom!
South Park, next day. A stage has been set up in front of the rebuilt library, and the adults are there to watch. A banner over it reads: The 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals
On stage, back row, are Wendy, Kevin, Annie, Clyde, Butters and Bebe. In the front row are Token, a new boy, an empty chair, Kyle, Stan, and Cartman. Off to the left, Mr. Mackey will keep score, but doesn't look at all happy about it. The Mayor is front and center
Mayor
All right, everyone. Welcome to the 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals! [the crowd cheers. The Mayor walks over and stands next to Mr. Mackey. The new boy is gone!] This should be very interesting. We have with us twelve of the brightest spellers from South Park Elementary.
Jimbo
Kyle, Kyle, he's our man. If he can't win it, I'm out 50 bucks.
Gerald
You bet money on my son to win?!
Jimbo
Sure! When it comes to spelling bees, always bet on the Jew.
Cartman
You're going down, bitch!
Kyle
Shut up, fatass! Everyone knows I can spell better than you.
Cartman
Yeah, well this year I have a secret weapon! [signals something with a thumbs-up. The monkey and drums are next to him, on the floor.]
Mayor
And, joining us this year, are the two home-schooled children, Rebecca and Mark Cotswolds! [they enter...]
Jimbo
What?! [...and take their seats]
Cartman
Home-schooled kids? Who the hell are they?
Jimbo
Ey, that's not fair! You can't let home-schooled kids into a public-school spelling bee!
Kyle
What's a "home-schooled kid"?
Stan
I don't know, dude. I've never seen them before. [the left side of the groups is shown. Mark, the new kid seen earlier, sits next to Token, and Rebecca takes the aisle seat. The others in their section study them.]
The Cotswolds
[cheering] Go, Mark! Go, Rebecca!
Mayor
[reads, then] Our first contestant is Mark Cotswolds, from home school. [he steps on the platform] All right, Mark. Your word is "conscientious."
Cartman
What?! What the fuck that that mean?
Mark
"Conscientious." May I have the definition, please?
Mayor
Closely attentive to details. Careful.
Mark
"Conscientious." Could you use it in a sentence, please?
Mayor
Mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was... conscientious.
Mark
"Conscientious." C O N S C I E N T I O U S.
Cartman
[as the bell rings] Holy crap! [the crowd is stunned]
The Cotswolds
Way to go, Mark! Alright!
Mayor
Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [he goes to the platform, smiling] Alright, Eric, here's your word: chair. Chaaiirr. [he looks to the monkey, who's minding its own business]
Cartman
Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum! [it looks around] Come on! [it begins to drum something else, getting excited. Cartman looks resigned]
Mayor
Eric, your word is "chair."
Cartman
Uuh. Definition?
Mayor
Something you sit on.
Cartman
Country of origin?
Mayor
English! [the angrier she gets, the more afraid Mr. Mackey looks]
Cartman
Could you please use it in a sentence?
Mayor
Oh, for Christ's sake, kid! The word is "chair"!!
Cartman
Uh- chair. C H A R E [the buzzer sounds and Eric panics] God damnit, how come I get the hard ones?! [races off the stage] Get over here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!
The spelling bee. After several rounds, the other kids are eliminated. The Cotswolds kids and Kyle are the only ones left.
Mayor
All right, we're down to just three finalists. First up is Rebecca Cotswolds from home school. [Rebecca takes the platform, but casts her eyes down and away from the mayor. She nervously taps her hands together] Alright, Rebecca. Here's your word: littoral.
Rebecca
[voice quivering] "Litoral." Deh-finition?
Mayor
Having to do with a lake or ocean.
Rebecca
"Litoral." Will you please use it in a sentence?
Mayor
Gary was most interested in the littoral features of Michigan.
Rebecca
"Littoral." [Before saying each letter, she opens her hands like a book, whispers the letter into them, and closes them] L I T O R A L
Mayo
[sounding the little bell] Correct!
Kyle
[softly] Wow! [he's impressed]
Mr. Cotswolds
[both parents clap] Alright, Rebecca. Good job, honey. [she takes her seat]
Mayor
Now we have Kyle Broflovski. [he takes the platform] Here we go. Krocsyldiphithic.
Kyle
What??
Mayor
Krocsyldiphithic.
Kyle
Definition?
Mayor
Something which has a krocsyldiph-like quality.
Kyle
Uh, could you use it in a sentence?
Mayor
Certainly. "Krocsyldiphithic" is a hard word to spell.
Kyle
"Krocsyldiphic."
Jimbo
You can do it, kid! You can do it!
Kyle
"Krocsyldiphic." C [the buzzer cuts him off] Damnit!
Jimbo
You little bastard, you cost me fifty bucks. [Stuart, Gerald, Randy, and Ned start carrying him away] Why don't you run away and join the circus, you stupid little son of a bitch?! Aaargh!
Mayor
Congratulations, Mark and Rebecca. [hand them their trophies] You are truly South Park's finest. [a print photographer takes a picture]
Stan
[standing before the stage with Cartman and Kenny] Damn, dude. Those home-schooled kids are smart.
Cartman
Yeah. Too bad they have the personalities of a wet dishcloth. [the finalists come off the stage and stand in front of it.]
Kyle
[walks up to Rebecca] What's your name? [apparently, he wasn't paying attention...]
Rebecca
Guh what's in a name? [turns and walks away]
Kyle
Wooww.
Mark
It was nice competing against you boys. We will have to do it again sometime.
Cartman
[mocking] Oh, yes. We must do it again.
Stan
We've never seen you before. Do you live in the woods or something?
Mark
No. I live right over there. [points to a house like any other, but it has bars on its windows] I've lived there all my life.
Cartman
How come you don't go to school?
Mark
Because I'm home-schooled.
Stan
What's that?
Mark
My parent teach me. So I stay at home instead of going to school.
Cartman
You what? Stay at home? All day? No school?
Mark
Right.
Cartman

[waxes poetic]
Who would have thought such a miracle could be?
Who could have known that this moment I would see?
A new way of living, a chance to be free?

Stan
Shut up, Cartman?
Cartman
You shut up, [backhand slap] butthole.
Stan
You shut up, [backhand slap] gaywad!
Cartman
You shut up, [backhand slap] ass-logger!
Mark
[astonished] Oh my goodness, are you two enemies?
Stan
No, we're friends.
Mark
Strange, friends would call each other names and fight.
Stan
What?
Mr. Cotswolds
Come, children, let's take our trophies home and place them high up on the mantel. [the family walks away. Kyle looks after Rebecca. Mark looks back at the boys.]
Stan
Dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerdos.
The Cotswolds house, night. The family is at dinner
Mark
Papa?
Mr. Cotswolds
Yes, Mark?
Mark
Why can't I go to school with the other boys?
Mrs. Cotswolds
[gasps] Oooh.
Mr. Cotswolds
[leans in on Mark] Well, because, son, public schools are inefficient and dangerous!
Mark
But I want to play with the other children. O, how they laugh and play, Papá.
Mrs. Cotswolds
Mark, you have play time. You get to play in the afternoon.
Mark
I just feel like I should go to public school, if only for a little while. To see what other little boys are like.
Mr. Cotswolds
Mark, public schools are no good! Your mother and I were both home-schooled, and we turned out much better because of it.
Mark
Please, Papá. Just let me try it for a few days.
Mr. Cotswolds
Alright. Fine, Mark! You go ahead and go to public school! You can just find out for yourself how flawed and treacherous it is!
Mark
Hooray!
Mr. Cotswolds
You don't want to go to public school too, do you, Rebecca?
Rebecca
[voice quivering] Oh, heavens, no.
Mr. Cotswolds
Well, thank God for that! At least my daughter will remain safe! [the doorbell rings and all look towards it]
Kyle
[Mrs. Cotswolds opens the door] Uh, hi. Is, uh, is Rebecca home?
Mrs. Cotswolds
Yes she is. [doesn't move]
Kyle
...Uuh, can I talk to her?
Mrs. Cotswolds
Oh. Well, I suppose so. Rebecca! [Rebecca walks up] This little boy wants to see you.
Rebecca
[with hands in prayer pose] Huhlo? [Kyle looks a little dismayed, as her tapping of hands is a habit. He looks at her mom for any assistance, but sees none. He looks at Rebecca again]
Kyle
U-u-uh, hi. [puts his hands behind his back]
Rebecca
Hel-lo.
Kyle
Huuh, I wah... just ah... well... that's all. [turns and hurries away. Rebecca looks, then goes in. Her mom closes the door]
Mr. Cotswolds
[walks up] Who was that?
Mrs. Cotswolds
A little boy wanted to see Rebecca.
Mr. Cotswolds
[wary] Oh no. I told you the spelling bee was a bad idea.
Mrs. Cotswolds
But the children won, and they were happy to meet the other children.
Mr. Cotswolds
Yes, but now I think we may have opened a Pandora's box that we can't close! [they then stand motionless for a while]
South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's class. Craig, Butters, and Tweek sit in the front row.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, we have a new student joining us from home school. Now, his parents are very worried about his safety, so please don't be too cruel to him. Mark? [A large plastic ball rolls into class, and Mark is inside driving it. He runs into Craig's chair and stops.]
Mark
Hey, guys. What's up?
Cartman
Dude, what's wrong with you? You got some kind of John Travolta disease?
Mr. Garrison
Alright, children, let's just try to pretend there isn't a little boy in a huge plastic hamster ball here, and go on with our studies. Now, who can tell me when Columbus sailed the seas and discovered America? [Mark and Cartman vie to answer] Ehyes, Mark?
Cartman
Ey! How come you never pick me?!
Mr. Garrison
Because you never know the right answer, butt-for-brains! Yes, Mark?
Mark
The answer is 1492. However, the Americas had already been discovered by many before him, including the Vikings and the Native Americans. And therefore, your question is a charade.
Cartman
Aww, see? That's what I was gonna say!
Mr. Garrison
Well, very impressive, Mark. You should be able to throw the grading curve and flunk all these little bastards. [every kid looks angrily at Mark.]
Stan
Oh, God. This kid's gonna last about five seconds out on the playground.
Mr. Garrison
Now, who can tell me what country Columbus was from? [again, Mark and Cartman vie to answer] Put your hand down, creampuff.
Cartman
That does it! [gets off his seat and moves towards the door] I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed! I'm gonna go be home-schooled from now on!
Stan
You don't wanna be home-schooled, fatass.
Cartman
I'm gonna be home-schooled, and leave all the pain and suffering of public school behind me! Screw you guys, I'm a-gonna be home-schooled! [leaves and closes the door]
Mr. Garrison
Oh, please God, let it be forever.
The playground. The recess bell rings and the kids rush out the door. Mark joins them in his huge hamster ball. Beside the jungle gym Stan and Pip stand next to each other, with Bebe and Annie behind them.
Stan
Come on, Pip, say it. Say "Please, hit me."
Pip
But, if I say that, you'll hit me.
Stan
No! I'm gonna hit you if you don't say it. If you say "Please, hit me," I won't hit you.
Pip
Please, hit me.
Stan
All right. [backhand slap]
Pip
Ooowww!
Stan
Alright, we'll try this again, Pip.
Mark
[rolls up] I don't understand. You seem to like that boy, yet hate him at the same time. [Craig and Butters walk up]
Craig
Hey, kid. Get out of that hamster ball.
Mark
Oh. I promised my father I wouldn't.
Stan
Oh, boy. Sorry, dude, you're on your own. [moves out of the way as Craig and Butters position the ball]
Butters
Oowhy yu- you best do what he says, uh home-school kid. Why, this is our part of the playground, see? And uh, a-and if you don't follow our rules, whyuh, why we're gonna duct-tape ya to the bench.
Mark
You mean you would actually duct-tape my entire body to a bench? For what purpose?
Craig
Just get out of the hamster ball, or else you're gonna find out!
Mark moves to the door and opens it. The ball moves, and Butters holds in in place while Mark flips his way out of it. Once he's on the ground, a bunch of boys come in and crowd him. Token, Bill, Tweek, Clyde, and Terrence join Craig and Butters in carrying Mark to the bench.
Boys
Okay, let's get him... [more chatter as they place him on the bench and duct-tape him to it]
Butters
Got it. [the boys disperse]
Craig
Have a nice second half of the day, nerdo!
Butters
Yeah why, why, you shouldn't be such a smart-mouthed Mr. Know-It-All!
Mark
Oh, dear.
The Cotswolds house. Mr. and Mrs. Cotswolds pace their living room, worried about their son's whereabouts
Mr. Cotswolds
Oh, where could he be? He should've been home from public school by now.
Mrs. Cotswolds
I'm sure he's alright.
Mr. Cotswolds
[a thump on the door] That must be him. [thump. Mr. Cotswolds opens the door, and both parents look]
Mrs. Cotswolds
Waaaaah! [Mark has walked home still strapped to the bench]
Mr. Cotswolds
Oh my God, son!
Mark
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. [walks in]
Mr. Cotswolds
Mark, what have they done to you?!
Mark
Well, they duct-taped me to a bench.
Mrs. Cotswolds
But why?
Mark
I don't know, mother. It didn't make any sense at all.
Mr. Cotswolds
Well, you see? This is what happens at public schools!
Mark
But I want to go back tomorrow, papá.
Mrs. Cotswolds
What??
Mark
Please, just give me one more day. [walks off]
Mrs. Cotswolds
What do we do?
Mr. Cotswolds
Well, if we're goin' to let him go back, it looks like I need to have a little talk with those other boys' fathers. [snort, snort. He seems to have a little problem with phlegm in the nose]
The Cotswolds house, night. A girl's bedroom is shown. Rebecca is at her desk writing.
A voice

[with guitar]
Everywhere I go, I'm thinking of you, Rebecca.
[she stops writing and looks to the window]
I don't know what to do, Rebecca.[she hops off the chair, walks over to her toy box and hops onto it]
You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better.[she looks out the window. It is Kyle she sees]
So what do you say we get together?
You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!
You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!
Rebecca, you're really quite good-looking!
You're a fox.[she looks a bit more, then moves away from the window. Kyle waits, then brightens as she returns. She drops some money down to him, and it lands in the guitar case. She moves away again, and he looks at the money]

The town bar. Jimbo, Ned, Randy, and Gerald sit at the bar sipping some beers. As Mr. Cotswolds enters, the camera pulls back to reveal Stuart McCormick, Richard Tweek, and Craig's father at the bar with the others
Mr. Cotswolds
Good evening, gentlemen. If I can have your attention for a few moments. [the other men turn to face him] My son Mark was beat up in school today by your sons. I think it would be appropriate for you to talk with your sons, and instruct them to no longer tease or bother my boy. [sniff]
Randy
Uh, look, Mr....
Mr. Cotswolds
Cotswolds.
Randy
Mr. Cotswolds, we can't completely control what our kids do socially. That's..., you know, that's for them to figure out on their own.
Mr. Cotswolds
Well, obviously, they need to be coached a little better. [the men get mad. He coughs, then points to Gerald] And furthermore, your son has been harassing my little girl! I would like you to tell him to stop.
Gerald
Hey, my son is just discovering love. Maybe your daughter is, too. They-uh, they need to know about that stuff.
Mr. Cotswolds
Uh, hello-o? My girl is eight years old! What does she need to know about love?
Randy
Well, something. I mean, you can't just wait until she's a teenager and expect her to figure out everything all at once.
Mr. Cotswolds
I will not tell you how to raise your children, and you will not tell me how to raise mine!
Jimbo
Eh, you wanna beer or something, Cotswolds?
Mr. Cotswolds
No, I don't drink beer. I just like wine coolers.
Jimbo
You what??
The town bar, later. The men head out the door.
Jimbo
See ya, Cotswolds. [Randy looks and grins] Thanks for stopping by.
Gerald
Yeah. See ya. [the camera pans down to show Mr. Cotswolds duct-taped to a bench]
South Park Elementary, the cafeteria, next day. Lunchtime. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at table
Kyle
...I can't even get her to understand. It's like she's from another planet.
Mark
[walks up] Can I sit here with you?
Stan
[tsk] Aw, man, if you have to.
Principal Victoria
[over the P.A.] Attention, students. Don't forget that this Friday night is the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. We will have a very special band performing, so please come early.
Kyle
Hey! That's it! That dance! I can ask Rebecca to go to the dance!
Stan
Dude, what happened to you? You're a total wuss now. [laughs]
Kenny
(Heheh, yeah. You're a faggot, dude. Fuck, yeah. Hehe-eheh.)
Mark
Why do you call Kyle names and laugh at him? Is he not your friend?
Stan
Yeah, dude, but guys just do that. We rip on each other and stuff.
Mark
I see. It's like, you have to mark your territory as a boy. You have to socially find your place.
Kyle
What??
Craig
[leading a group of boys, walks up] Enjoying your lunch, nerdo?
Mark
[confidently] Ah! Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me.
Stan
Ah, dude, you don't say that.
Mark
Huh?
Craig
Get him! [the group grabs him and duct-tapes him to an adjacent bench, then walks away.]
Kyle
Boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting to public school.
Stan
Yeah. I wonder how Cartman is doing with his home-schooling.
The Cartman house, afternoon. Cartman is in bed with a bag of chips.
Cartman
[sighing drowsily] Eeehhh.
Announcer
Welcome to Huntin' and Killin with Jimbo and Ned.
Cartman
Eehh, shut up. [stretches] Ooohhh, yeasss.
Liane
[opens the door] Hon, are you ready for some math problems?
Cartman
Eh, not right this second, mother. Put them there by the door.
Liane
Oh, all right. [sets them on the nightstand]
Cartman
Mom?
Liane
Yes?
Cartman
Could you turn up the heat just a little?
Liane
Sure, hon. [turns it up and walks out]
Cartman
Egghhh. Dude, home-schooling rules. [turns to his right side] Yeeehhhhhhss! [goes to sleep.]
The Cotswolds house, afternoon. Kyle approaches the front door and rings the bell. Rebecca answers and immediately puts her hands together
Rebecca
Oh, hel-lo.
Kyle
Hoh! Uh, Rebecca. There's this dance, see, at the school, and um,
Rebecca
He-ey, would you like to come up to my room?
Kyle
Huh?
Rebecca
Woowould you like to come up to my room?
Kyle
Uuuh, okay. [she yanks him in] Gah!
The Cotswolds house, the living room. Mark is talking with his parents
Mr. Cotswolds
I'm sorry, son. There's nothing we can do to stop those bullies. We have to pull you out of public school.
Mark
Oh, papá. Can I at least go to the dance tomorrow?
Mr. Cotswolds
Well alright, you can go, but I'll be there to supervise.
Mark
Alright. [starts to shuffle away]
Mr. Cotswolds
Mark, where's your sister?
Mark
She's upstairs playing Doctor with that Kyle boy.
Mr. Cotswolds
Oh, alright.
Both parents
What?! [they dash to her room]
Mrs. Cotswolds
Rebecca! Aaah! Aaaaah! Noo-hooo!
Mr. Cotswolds
Rebecca, don't play that perverted game! [reaches the door and opens it. Before them is Kyle on his back on a low table covered by a blanket. Rebecca, in scrubs, stands on a chair cutting away at Kyle's hat. Both look at her parents]
Rebecca
I have to extricate a rr-region in his cerebral cortex, or risk ih-nfection to the synaptic responses.
Mr. Cotswolds
Ah. Alright. Rebecca. But it's time to start your home-schooling! [snorts twice and leaves with his wife]
Kyle
Rebecca, there's this dance, see, the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance, and uh, now I was wondering, ih-ih-ih if you wanna go.
Rebecca
[voice quivering] Hhm. Alright, I guess I'll go.
Kyle
You will?
Rebecca
[voice quivering] I guess. Are you gonna go? Maybe I'll see you there.
Kyle
No no. I mean, go with me.
Rebecca
Oh, I'm sure Father will give me a ride. [walks off to her home-schooling. Kyle gets mad and bangs his head against her chair]
The Cartman house, his bedroom. He still looks sleepy.
Cartman
Ahhhhhhhhh. ["Jesus and Pals" is heard in the background] Ahhhhhhhhh-ahhhh. Tired, tired.
Liane
[opens the door] Eric, I got you a new history textbook. Why don't you come downstairs.
Cartman
Wwaargh. Not right now, Mom. [sighs]
Liane
Eric, please. We have to do some studying today.
Cartman
I am studying, Mom. I'm learning with the Fonics Monkey. [she looks over and sees the Fonics Monkey tossing a box of Snacky S'mores around. She withdraws and Cartman yawns again. Stan and Kenny enter]
Stan
Hey, fatass, how's home-schooling going?
Cartman
[sleepily] Oh, it's soo sweet, you guys.
Stan
Well, get your ass out of bed! [Kenny walks off] We have to go deal with that home-school kid!
Cartman
Huh, I can't. I'm too tired. [moves to sleep again] Maybe tomorrow.
Kenny
[to the monkey] (Hey, can I have that?) [reaches for a Snacky S'more in the monkey's hand, but the monkey tosses it away] (Heey.)
Stan
But the big dance is tomorrow and all the guys are gonna duct-tape him to a flagpole.
Cartman
[sleepily] That sounds cool. Maybe I'll go to that.
Kenny
[smacked against a nightstand by the monkey] (Hey!) [the monkey starts tossing him around like a box] (Hey, Cartman, help me.)
Cartman
No, Fonics Monkey! [the monkey throws Kenny up against the ceiling and stomps on him] No, Fonics Monkey, that's a bad Fonics Monkey! [the monkey smashes Kenny against the foot of Cartman's bed several times, then stomps on him until he no longer responds]
Stan
Oh my God, Fonics Monkey killed Kenny!
Cartman
You're damn straight, he did.
The Cotswolds house, later that afternoon. Kyle is in the backyard waiting for Rebecca. She comes out and closes the sliding door.
Kyle
You got my note?
Rebecca
[voice quivering] Uh of course. You taped it to my dog; how could I not see it?
Kyle
Uh, can we sit down?
Rebecca
Wha-y noh-ot? [leads him onto a nice path next to a lovely flowerbed with all sorts of flora] Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it. [picks a flower]
Kyle
Rebecca, don't you ever... look at the town? At that... [draws close] flicker of light over there?
Rebecca
I... [looks down and away, pulls away a bit] have looked at it.
Kyle
Well, that's a public school. And in it there are children, [draws close] just like us.
Rebecca
How can children go to school on a f-licker of light?
Kyle
From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. [they walk over to a stone bench and sit] Don't you want to go out? All you do is... stay in your house and... study
Rebecca
Well, what else would one do?
Kyle
Love, for one thing.
Rebecca
And woowhat is love?
Kyle
Love ...is the most important thing on... earth. When boys and girls feel ...love, they kiss.
Rebecca
Woowhat means "ki-iss"?
Kyle
When a man and a woman feel ...love... they put their lips together.
Rebecca
Oh, you mean a-a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.
Kyle
Rebecca, in public school, [hops down] we select our... own mate. [walks off a bit] In public school, men and women get together. Make each other happy.
Rebecca
You certainly come from a silly place. Still, I should like to try that... kiss. [he turns to face her] So I cold write about it. [Kyle walks back and sits on the bench] How do we do it?
Kyle
I'm not completely sure.
Rebecca
Should we... [looks at him] l-look it up?
Kyle
No, I think it's something you have to try a few times. Until you get it... right. [she hums as they get closer and closer. Their lips touch. A quick kiss and they pull apart]
Rebecca
Wow. Wow, that was fun! [grabs him]
Kyle
Dah. [she kisses him back, then lets go] Does that mean you'll go to the dance?
Rebecca
Y-you bet your sweet a-ass I will.
South Park Elementary, night. The school is lit up for the dance. Seven boys move towards the flagpole: Pip, Stan, Token, Craig, Butters, Fosse, and Bill
Craig
Alright, here's the plan. Tomorrow night at the dance, when none of the chaperones are looking, you guys go grab Mark. Bring him out here, and then we're gonna duct-tape him to this flagpole.
Stan
Are you sure? He can be out here all night on the flagpole.
Craig
That's the point, buttpipe.
Stan
Don't call me a buttpipe, buttpipe!
Butters
Wewell, come on. We gotta buy us some more duct tape.
Boys
Hooray! [they walk away]
Bill
Hooray. [catches up to the others]
Jimbo
[arrives with a group of men] Alright, here's the plan. All we gotta do is volunteer to chaperone the dance tomorrow. [Randy, Gerald, Ned, and Stuart are also present]
Randy
Uh, why do we want to all chaperone the dance?
Jimbo
Because Cotswolds is gonna to live there. And when he shows up, we all grab him, bring him out here, and duct-tape him to the flagpole!
Gerald
The flagpole! That's great! [Mr. Tweek and Craig's father are now present]
Jimbo
Come on! We gotta buy more duct tape.
Men
[walk away] Alright!
South Park Elementary, night. It's Friday and the kids are gathering in the gym for the dance. Mark is already in the crowd, but the time is not yet. There isn't much to dance to, but kids dance anyway. Wendy and Bebe hop back and forth. Tweek dances as well. Pip is dancing in the background. Annie and Clyde, Token and Red, Kevin, Terrence and Fosse, and the tattered kid stand around.
Stan
[sees Kyle enter and walks to him] Dude, we're gonna go duct-tape that Mark kid to the bleachers. You wanna help? [with him are Craig, Butters, and Cartman.]
Kyle
[with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.
Stan
Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]
Kyle
Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!
Stan
You suck now, Kyle! [walks away with the other boys]
Kyle
You suck!
Principal Victoria
[on stage] Boys and girls, can I have your attention, please? This year we have a very special guest performing the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. He was a musical force in the '70's and '80's. Please welcome Ronnie James Dio! [walks off as the curtains part. Dio appears with his band. The kids look back and say nothing]
Dio
Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!
Butters
Uh, uuh, sure uh, I guess.
Dio
Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1.

Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea.
Oh, what's-

Craig
["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]
Butters
Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]
Rebecca
[dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]
Butters
Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. "Gotta get away."]
Rebecca
[walks over to Token] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]
Token
What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]
Rebecca
[walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?
Kyle
Rebecca. You...
Mark
[returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]
Rebecca
I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]
Pip
Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]
Mark
You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!
Kyle
Uh. All I did was show her how to-
Mark
You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]
Kyle
[landing on his back] Aaaah!
Mark
[pounces on again] You dip! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]
Kyle
Ooww!
Craig
Oh my God!
Stan
Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!
Butters
Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]
Randy
[entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]
Mark
...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]
Stan
Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]
Butters
Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.
Stan
Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]
Craig
[grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!
Butters
[grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me! [Mark smiles, pleased that these guys would fight for his friendship]
Mr. Cotswolds
[enters another door with his wife] They've got to be here somewhere.
Jimbo
Hey, there's Cotswolds. Come on! Let's duct-tape him to the flagpole!
Men
Yeah! [move forward. Mr. Cotswolds goes to some outlet and unplugs the sound system. Dio stops playing]
Mr. Cotswolds
Where are my children?! I'm taking them out of this God-forsaken place!
Mark
[onstage, takes the mic from Dio] Calm down, papá! [Papá looks at Mom] Everything is all right. [the kids look at him] You see, I've learned something today. Public schools may be a bit lacking in education, but it's the main place where children learn all of their social skills. You can't teach a child social skills. They have to learn them themselves. And the only place to do that is on the playground, in the cafeteria, and so on. [his parents listen] Don't you see, papá? That's what happened to your daughter. You tried so hard to keep her from anything sexual, and now look at her. She's a God-damned whore, papá. [Rebecca is listening]
Butters
Well, she sure is.
Mark
I know letting your kids out into the world is scary. I know you wish nothing bad would ever happen to us. But bad things will happen, and we have to start learning now how to deal with those things. [Stan and Kyle look at each other. The men listen]
Mr. Cotswolds
Mark. You're absolutely right. [Mark grins. His mom grins as well] Okay, children. If it's what you want, you can start going to public school.
Kids
Alright! [Rebecca goes up to Kyle and kisses him]
Stan
[goes onstage] Nice speech, nerdo.
Mark
Thanks, gaywad. [Cartman joins them]
Cartman
Now you're gettin' it.
Jimbo
Well, come on, guys. If I'm not mistaken, we still have someone to duct-tape to the flagpole!
Men
Hooray!
Mr. Cotswolds
What?! [the men hoist him up and carry him out the doors]
Mark
See ya, papá! [Dio takes the mic back]
Dio
Well, I'm glad we all learned something today, kids. Now, let's dance! [resumes with "Holy Diver." The Fonics Monkey is drumming with the band. Mr. Cotswolds is now duct-taped to the flagpole]
Dio

Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea.
Oh, what's becoming of me?
[End credits start to roll]
Like the tiger. You can see his stripes but you know he's clean.
Oh, don't you see what I mean?
Gotta get away, Holy Diver.

家庭與社會 結束
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