• Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Ms. Crabtree
  • BSM-471 (Bill Cosby)
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Liane Cartman
  • Rosie O'Donnell
  • Jesse Jackson
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Filmore Anderson
  • Kindergarteners
    • Jenny
    • Sally Bands
    • Billy Harris
    • Flora
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Two Cheyenne Mountain security guards
  • Townsfolk


[Bus Stop. Stan and Kenny wait patiently. Kyle and Ike walk up. Ike is dressed in a little business suit and his hair is combed]
Stan: Dude, what's your little brother doing here?
Kyle: Ike is starting his first day of kindergarten.
Stan: But isn't he only three years old?
Kyle: Yeah, but he's some kind of genius, so he's getting advanced placement in kindergarten.
Ike: I pooped my pants.
Kyle: [moves Ike aside and shows his folder] But dude, check out my new Trapper Keeper. [opens it up and displays the inside] It has five different compartments for each subject in school, [closes it and shows off the covers] and it's all covered with pictures from Dawson's Creek.
Stan: Cool!
Cartman: [walks up with his own folder] Hey, dudes. Check out my sweet Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Ultra Keeper Futura 2000. [slight pause. Kyle reacts] Yeah, well, [opens his up] it's got ten different compartments for every subject in school, an electronic pencil sharpener, four plastic bags with electronic zippers, copy machine, fax, a better picture of Dawson's Creek on the back than Kyle's, [opens it up again] flat-screen TV, and of course, OnStar.
Stan: Wow, cool!
Kyle: Goddammit, Cartman! You only got that because you knew my mom would buy it for me!
Cartman: Oh, but you have a Trapper Keepe—Oh, you got the little Crapper Keeper, didn't you? Well, at least your stupid brother got a briefcase.
Kyle: He's going to kindergarten because he's a genius!
Cartman: He's not a genius; he's a little douchebag.
Ike: I pooped my pants!
Kyle: He's smarter than you, fat boy! I don't even know how you made it into fourth grade! I thought--
Cartman: Trapper Keeper, I need to drown out my annoying friend. Please initiate music, country, high volume. [soft music plays and Cartman starts to dance]
Kyle: Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman! [music continues, and the bus rolls up]
[School bus. The boys take their seats. Cartman and Kenny sit behind Kyle, Stan, and Ike. Stan, Kyle and Kenny notice a disheveled man on the other side of the bus]
Stan: Ms. Crabtree, there's another creepy homeless guy on the bus.
Ms. Crabtree: Sit down and shut up!!
Stan: But they smell like pee.
Man: [in European accent] I am not a homeless person. I am a new fourth-grade student.
Kyle: You are?
Man: Yes! My name is Bill. Bill Cosby.
Stan: Aren't you a little old to be in grade school?
Bill: I was held back ten human grades. [grimaces and grunts] I mean, grades. Do you companion-friends know Eric Cartman?
Cartman: Yeah, that's me.
Bill: Eric Cartman? And you have a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S 2000?
Cartman: Yeahhh, you already know about it?
Bill: Yes. Yes, I do.
Cartman: Well... [mocking] "Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman!"
Kyle: I'm gonna shove that thing up your ass!
Stan: Dude, do you really care if Cartman has something that's better than yours?
Kyle: No, I don't! I don't care!
Cartman: [stick the notebook out] Here, Kyle. [Bill stares at Cartman's Trapper Keeper]
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. The room appears festive, the wall adorned with a beaming sun with rays coming from it, rolling hills with trees here and there. The kids enter and take their places at the round table. Two miffed boys stand by the door as Ike enters the room]
Boy #1: Hey, there he is. That's the kid that's s'posed to be some kind of genius.
Boy #2: Yeah, he's only three and he's already in kindergarten.
Boy #1*: Come on. [The two boys walk up to Ike and sit on the chairs on either side of him] So, you think you're smarter than the rest of us? Do you think you know more about the world just because you are only 3 and we're 5?
Ike: Unkoo baba.
Mr. Garrison: [enters the room] Okay, children, let's take our seats. [closes the door and approaches the table] My name is Mr. Garrison, and I'm the new kindergarten teacher. I used to be the third grade teacher, but I had a little [wags the index and ring finger of each hand] "nervous breakdown" and went into the mountains where I lived off of "rat carcasses". [a view of some of the kids' reactions] But I'm all better now, and the school was nice enough to let me go on teaching, as long as it was for kindergarten. [a view of other kids' reactions] But it's not a demotion. No. I mean, just because a teacher was teaching third grade and now is teaching kindergarten, that's not a demotion, is it? [the kids look confused] No, that's right, it's not. Well, let's start with roll call. Uh, let's see. Filmore Anderson?
Filmore*: Here.
Mr. Garrison: Sally Bands?
Sally: Here.
Mr. Garrison: Ike Broflovski?
Ike: Cookie Monster.
Mr. Garrison: Broflovski, I had your older brother Kyle in my third-grade class. He's a very smart kid. I'm sure you are, too. [Fillmore and his friend glare at Ike] Well that's bad news for everybody else, because I will be grading you all on a curve. [Ike looks at Filmore and friend and starts to sink in his seat]
[South Park Elementary, fourth grade room. The class is present, along with "Bill Cosby" Cartman elaborates on the wonderful attributes of his Trapper Keeper]
Cartman: And so the other thing that makes my Trapper Keeper cooler than Kyle's is that it can add any peripheral device to itself automatically. [Kyle glares at him with arms crossed.] I can take something as simple as this calculator [a Wellington Bear model] and... Trapper Keeper?
Trapper Keeper: [its TV screen turns on] Trapper Keeper active.
Cartman: Hybrid with Wellington Bear calculator.
Trapper Keeper: Ready for hybrid. [Two cables reach out and grab the calculator and pull it into a ready slot. Cartman closes the Trapper Keeper]
Cartman: And now it can use Wellington Bear calculator, too.
Kids: Wow.
Bill: [reaches over Cartman's shoulder] May I hold your Trapper Keeper?
Cartman: Uh, n-no, I'm afraid not, Bill Cosby, because it is coded to the prints on my fingers. [wiggles them outstretched] If anybody but me tries to hold it, big metal spikes come out and pierce through their hands.
Kyle: Oh, you are so full of crap, Cartman! Metal spikes will not come out!
Cartman: Oh really? [hands the folder over to Kyle] Then, why don't you hold it? [Kyle looks at it in Cartman's outstretched hand.] Well, go on, Kyle. If it doesn't have metal spikes, then hold it. [inches closer and whispers] Hold it.
Kyle: I'm gonna!
Cartman: [inches closer and whispers] Hold it.
Kyle: I will!
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. Mr. Garrison is telling his life story to the kids]
Mr. Garrison: And that's how the relationship with my father sort of ended. There's still some sort of skeletons in the closet, but things between us are a little better. [some of the kids are stunned. Garrison starts writing on the board] Okay, children, well now it's time for us to elect a class president, [writes up "KINDERGARTEN CLASS PRESIDENT" on the chalkboard and underlines it] so first we must pick nominees. [turns and faces the class] Who would like to nominate someone?
Boy #2: I nominate Filmore, because he's the smartest kid in the class.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, Filmore. [writes the name on the board] You'll be our first nominee. And who else? [a girl raises her hand] Yes, Jenny.
Jenny: I gotta go doodie.
Mr. Garrison: In a minute, Jenny. Who else wants to nominate a class president? [the kids stay quiet] Oh, come on! You can't have an election with just one person running! What's the fun in that? Ike? How about you? You're a genius.
Ike: [looks at an angry Fillmore and friend] No.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, our second nominee is Ike the genius. [writes the name up on the board. Filmore and friend stare at a chagrined Ike] Okay, children, now we'll hear briefly from each nominee. Filmore, why don't you go first?
Filmore: [leaves his seat, approaches the board, and faces the class] If I'm elected class president, I'll call for big ol' chairs. And on Fridays, I'll add two minutes to nap time. Thank you. [returns to his seat]
Mr. Garrison: Very enthralling. Okay, Ike? How about you?
Ike: [leaves his seat, approaches the board, and faces the class] Cookie Monster. Ice.
Mr. Garrison: ...Well, this is gonna be a tough one, kids.
[South Park Elementary, playground. The four boys stand around the tetherball pole while two kids in front of them toss a football, two girls walk by behind them, another kid climbs the jungle gym, and another rocks on a hobby elephant]
Stan: Oh, no, dude, here comes that weird new kid.
Bill: Ahhh, hello Eric. Can I be your human friend? [winces] I mean, friend?
Cartman: I don't know, dude. I'm not supposed to have any male friends that are over 30. I kind of screwed on that once.
Bill: Please. We can have fun and play games, like human four square-- [coughs up] I mean, four square.
Cartman: Dude, you can't just ask to be somebody's friend and be their friend; it doesn't work that way. If you want to be my friend, you'll have to pay me.
Bill Oh, I see. Alright, I'll pay 100 geliga stones—Uh, I mean, human dollars! Eugh, I mean dollars!
Cartman: Okay, that's cool.
Bill [holds up the tetherball] Can we play some human tetherball?
Cartman: A-alright. Pretty sweet, you guys, getting a hundred bucks to play tetherball with some-- [by this time, "Bill" has pulled away from the pole and Cartman, and has the tether taut and ready to release]
Bill Serve! [whips the ball at Cartman, knocking him onto his back. The Trapper Keeper falls away and lands next to Kenny. "Bill" makes his move]
Cartman: Ugh..! ["Bill" goes after the Trapper Keeper and runs away with it]
Bill Got it!
Cartman: Ey!
Stan: Dude! He's running off with your Trapper Keeper! [just then, spikes come out of the Trapper Keeper and some of them go clear through "Bill's" hands.]
Bill: [stops and looks at his pierced hands] Waa-agggh! [clenches his teeth and continues running]
Cartman: You son of a bitch! [recalls something] Wait a minute. [whips out a small gadget and activates it] Lucky for me, I have my Trapper Keeper homing device. [walks towards the source of the sound heard in the device and away from his friends]
Stan: [confused] What the hell just happened?
Kyle: [angry] Damn! I thought fourth grade was gonna be different.
[South Park Elementary, Kindergarten. Mr. Garrison tallies up the votes so far on the board...]
Mr. Garrison: So that's six votes for Filmore and six votes for Ike. [sets the chalk down and reads the last ballot] And the last vote is for... Uh, let's see. Flora, I can't tell who you voted for. [Flora, a timid, pretty blond girl trying to bury her face into her laps, which are raised up on the chair, is shown] You've got the winning vote, Flora. Who d'you pick?
Flora: I don't know... [smiles and looks down and away]
Mr. Garrison: Flora, you have to pick one. Filmore or Ike?
Flora: Um, I vote for... I don't know.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, great! Flora's undecided! Well, you're just gonna have to sit there, Flora, and think about it until you come up with an answer.
Flora: Okay.
Boy #2 Flora, just say you vote for Filmore so we can all go home.
Flora: Um...
Sally: No! You want Ike to be president.
Filmore: We're gonna be here all night! Why don't you guys just concede?
Two kids: Yeah!
Sally: Why don't you just concede?
Other kids: Yeah! [the kids start to argue]
Some Kids: Filmore!
Other Kids: Ike!
Girl: I want Ike to be president! [several kids from Filmore's side rush across the table to kids on Ike's side]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, for Christ's sakes, you're all acting like a bunch o' kids!
[South Park, day. A police car zooms down the street. Officer Barbrady flies down the road in the police cruiser with Cartman in the passenger seat and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny in the back seat. Cartman has the Trapper Tracker Keeper in his hand and is following the Trapper Keeper's signal on the Tracker's screen]
Cartman: Turn left here! We're getting close! Get your gun ready!
Barbrady: Eric, I'm not gonna shoot anybody for taking your school folder.
Cartman: [grabs Barbrady's ] It was not a school folder, it was a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S 2000! And if-- [spots "Bill"] There he is!
Bill: [turns to see the cruiser coming his way] Wagh!
Cartman: Got ya! [grabs the steering wheel from Barbrady]
Barbrady: Hey! [Cartman steers the cruiser into a building, crushing "Bill" and rattling the building]
Bill: Gaagghhh! [crumples to the floor. Barbrady and the others exit the car and gather at Bill. His left arm has been amputated, revealing functioning wires. The lower half holding the Trapper Keeper in hand. Barbrady and the boys stare in shock]
Kyle: Whoa, dude..!
[End of act one. Time: 7:50]
[same time, later...]
Cartman: Ahh, try to take my Trapper Keeper, will you?
Bill: Please. You do not understand.
Cartman: [takes his place] Book him, Barbrady. Another job well done.
Bill: [plaintive] That Trapper Keeper has to be destroyed!
Stan: Why are you so obsessed with Cartman's Trapper Keeper, Bill Cosby?
Barbrady: Bill Cosby?
Bill: Nooo! Listen to me! I am not really Bill Cosby. [the boys and Barbrady show shock] My name is BSM-471. I am a cyborg engineered by humans from the year 2034.
Barbrady: Well, I knew you weren't Bill Cosby!
BSM-471: I have come to destroy that Trapper Keeper, because it was the Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper that belongs to an Eric Cartman in South Park which three years from now manifests itself into an omnipotent super being, and destroys all of humanity. In the year 2004, a hybrid-assimilating computer linked with a satellite uplink computer. From there it was able to slowly take over every computer in the world. [cables reach out from the Trapper Keeper and engulf two computers. The process continues engulfing all of the US] It became stronger and stronger, until by the year 2018 it broke away from mankind [skulls litter the landscape] and there was nothing the humans could do. [in the distance a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper tower rises] It wasn't long before Mighty Trapper Keeper started to destroy everything it saw as useless, including humans. [people are shot left and right from the Trapper Keeper's weapons] The nations tried everything to stop it. [troops line up and fire at the Trapper Keeper] Nuclear devices, seismic missiles. But nothing worked. [robotic tanks come into view, firing away at the Trapper Keeper] The humans built robots of their own, whole armies of them. [DC TK209s approach the advancing armies and fire at them] But nothing was strong enough to stop Trapper Keeper. [the battle scene fades, and BSM-471 is shown once again on the ground] And so finally, the humans decided to send one of their robots into the past to destroy the Trapper Keeper before it even got started.
Stan: Wow, that's amazing.
Kyle: Man, I guess sometimes we let our technology and stuff grow too fast.
Stan: What do you think, Officer Barbrady?
Barbrady: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
BSM-471: And so, Eric. Now you see why we must destroy your Trapper Keeper.
Cartman: [long pause] You guys. Did I mention that it has a pencil sharpener and a crayon sharpener?
Stan: Cartman, it takes over the world and destroy all of humanity!
Cartman: What would you guys have me do, huh?! Walk around with just a plain old Trapper Keeper like Kyle's?! Is that what you want?!
Stan: Yes!
Cartman: Aw, damnit! [throws his Trapper Keeper to the ground] Here! Take it! You want my heart as well?! You'll find it on the bottom of your shoes! [walks off to his left sadly]
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The class is looking at Flora. Mr. Garrison sits on a chair looking bored]
Flora: I decided.
Mr. Garrison: [jumps up] Oh, thank God, Flora! [gets ready to write] Alright, who do you vote for?
Flora: Umm... Ike.
Supporters: Yay!
Mr. Garrison: [adds the tally to Ike's total] Okay, so then the total is six for Filmore and now seven votes for Ike. Ike is the new class president.
Filmore: We want a recount.
Mr. Garrison: [miffed] What?
Filmore's Supporters: Recount! Recount! Recount! Recount!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, of all the juvenile things I've ever heard! You lost, Filmore! Don't be such a baby! [Filmore cries and throws a tantrum, pounding away on the classroom table] Alright, alright, I'll count up the ballots again. Okay, we had one vote for Filmore... [writes Filmore's name on the board. A time lapse shows him writing on a crowded board now] ...And this time, I again get six votes for Filmore and seven votes for Ike.
Filmore: Count them again.
Supporters: Yeah!
Mr. Garrison: No, children! I've recounted 106 times now and I keep coming up with seven to six! Except in the one instance where it came out seven to five, and one where it came out twelve to fourteen. It's over! Ike is class president!
Kid #2: Wait, there's still that absent kid.
Fillmore: Yeah. If Carlos is absent, we have to wait for his vote.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, will you grow up?!
Supporters: [clamoring] Absent kids count! Absent kids count! Absent kids count!
Mr. Garrison: Jesus..! Alright, we'll wait for tomorrow so the absent kid can cast his vote. Now go home! [the kids leave]
[South Park Elementary, hallway, next day.]
BSM-471: Good morning, humans.
Stan/Kyle: Hey, Bill Cosby.
BSM-471: I have successfully destroyed Eric Cartman's Trapper Keeper. I broke it apart, dipped the motherboards in acid, burned the memory chips, and sent the wiring to the four corners of Canada.
Kyle: That should do it.
Stan: So what are you going to do with your crappy robot life now, Bill Cosby?
BSM-471: Well, that is a problem that is causing me some disconcernment. I am still here, but I shouldn't be here. If Trapper Keeper has been stopped, then I should not exist. But here I am. Something is still not right.
Cartman: [walks up with another Trapper Keeper] Hey, dudes.
Stan: Cartman! You still got a Trapper Keeper!
Cartman: Yeah, I'm a genius! Last night I went home and told my mom that I lost the last one. Then I cried and I cried, and finally she felt so bad that she took me to the store and bought me a new one! [holds it up high] So everything worked out.
BSM-471: [frightened] Oh no!
Kyle: Cartman, you dumbass! You can't get a new one!
Cartman: Why the hell not?!
Stan: Because if your Trapper Keeper takes over the world, then maybe it was this Trapper Keeper and not the one before!
Cartman: Wait... so then you guys burned my last one for no reason!
BSM-471: We will have to destroy this Trapper Keeper.
Cartman: [holds his Trapper Keeper close] But I don't think I can get my mom to buy me another one.
Kyle: Don't you get it?! You can't have any Trapper Keepers, fat ass!
Cartman: Oh, that is bullcrap! And you know what I think? I think this whole thing is a setup! That's right! Kyle got this guy to say that he's a robot from the future just because he's jealous of my Trapper Keeper! And you know what else? Screw you guys. I'm going home. [moves off to his left]
Stan: Cartman!
Cartman: Ech! Screw you guys. Home. [walks away]
BSM-471: Well, that does it! [pull out a pocket phaser from his overcoat and aims it at Cartman]
Kyle: Hey! What are you doing?
BSM-471: I'm afraid I have no other choice. [pulls the phaser back] For the sake of humanity, I have to kill him.
Kyle: Oh... Okay.
Stan: Yeah, that's fine. ["Bill" aims the phaser once again] No, wait!
BSM-471: What?
Stan: Can I do it?
BSM-471: Oh, well, I suppose. [tosses the phaser to Stan]
Stan: [takes it and quickly aims] Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, fat boy!
BSM-471: Wait! [grabs it back] Perhaps there is another way. If you could take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.
Stan: Well, yeah, or we could just kill him.
Kyle: Yeah, that'd be faster.
Stan: He's right there.
BSM-471: I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you humons call "compassion". It is an amazing feeling!
Stan/Kyle/ Kenny: Awww..!
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison stands before the class and begins to speak]
Mr. Garrison: Alright children, as you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Ms. Harris? [she walks in with a little boy attached to IV bag on a pole. The kid hands him the ballot and coughs out an organ] Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget to pick up your lung. [Billy starts to walk away, then stops to pick it up] Alright, the absent kid's ballot is for... [reads] Filmore.
Supporters: Yay./Hooray. [Mr. Garrison adds Billy's vote to Filmore's tally]
Sally: Wait one minute!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
Sally: I think the ballot were misleading. Some kids didn't understand whom they were voting for.
Mr. Garrison: There's a box next to Filmore's name and a box next to Ike's! What's not to understand?
Filmore: [pointing at Sally] You're just saying that, 'cause you know you're gonna lose now.
Sally: No, I'm saying that because you are a boogerface!
Filmore: Well, just you wait, 'cause my famous aunt is on huh way right now.
Mr. Garrison: Who's your famous aunt?
Filmore: My aunt Rosie, Rosie O'Donnell.
Mr. Garrison: Your aunt Rosie O'Donnell is coming here?
Filmore: Yeah, she's very active in politics. So she's gonna set all this straight.
Mr. Garrison: [resigned] Oh no..!
[Cartman residence, day, Cartman's room. Cartman sets the Trapper Keeper in a tray, then secures it onto a docking bay and plugs a cable into it]
Trapper Keeper: Recharging.
Cartman: Sweet. You're so cool, Trapper Keeper. I would never let those assholes take you away.
[singing his own Dawson's Creek theme song] I don't wanna wait for my Trapper Keeper to be over
The ways of my Trap--
Trapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper ready to ensorb. [cables reach out and grab Cartman's computer like a giant hand, and pull it towards the Trapper Keeper]
Cartman: Oh, cool.
Trapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper, merging. [cables reach out and grab a lamp and a Wellington Bear desk clock]
Cartman: [softly] Whoa...
[End of act two. Time: 13:59]
[Cartman residence, day, dining room. "Bill" is seated at the head of the table, with Liane and Kenny to his right, and Stan and Kyle to his left]
BSM-471: And so you see, Ms. Cartman, you cannot buy your son Eric another Trapper Keeper. Not now! Not ever!
Liane: Right, because it will hybrid with all those other processors and generate a whole new era of technological darkness.
BSM-471: Correct.
Liane: Well, I certainly won't buy him anymore, then... Bill. [starts flirting with him]
BSM-471: Good. Now all that is left to do is destroy the Trapper Keeper Eric has now. Where is he?
Liane: In his room. But, why don't I show you the rest of the house first? [pulls "Bill" from the chair]
Stan: Uh-oh.
Kyle: Here we go again.
Liane: Come this way, Billy. [takes him away from the table]
Stan: Well, come on. Let's go upstairs and get Cartman's Trapper Keeper ourselves. [he and Kenny leave the table, with Kyle following]
[Cartman's room. Cartman is getting friendly with his Trapper Keeper]
Cartman: Kyle is just jealous of you, Trapper Keeper. You kick ass!
I don't wanna let my Trapper Keeper get--
Stan: [knocks on the door] Open up, Cartman! We're taking your Trapper Keeper! [Cartman hops off his chair and dances to the door. He locks it and continues singing]
Cartman: Screw you guys, screw you guys
Screw you guys, scr--
Trapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb.
Cartman: Huh? [walks towards his computer]
Kyle: [in the hallway, pounds on the door] Dammit, Cartman, open up!
Trapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper, ready for hybrid.
Cartman: Oh, sweet. What's it gonna hybrid with now? [cables come from the monitor and grab him] Ugh--!
Stan: [pounds on the door] Cartman, you might as well open up! We're just gonna have Bill Cosby bust the door down after he finishes having sex with your mom. [he and Kyle now notice the groans coming from the room]
Kyle: Cartman? [inside, cables wrap tight around his face and go in, transforming his body into a grotesque hybrid, and the hybrid begins to grow] He's not gonna open it. Break it down.
Stan: You break it down!
Kyle: Okay. Ready? One, two, three, not it!
Stan: Not it! You lose, Kenny. [he and Kyle quickly step out of the way]
Kenny: (Awww..!) [goes to the far wall and then rushes the door, only to be plastered against the far wall...] (Argh--!) [ the unhinged bedroom door being pushed out by the evolving Trapper Keeper. The boys are frozen in place with mouths open]
Stan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle: You ba--! [the boys make a run for it down the hall and down the stairs as the Trapper Keeper oozes out of Cartman's room]
[Cartman residence, outside. The front door opens and Stan and Kyle rush outside and away]
Stan/Kyle: Agggghhh! [the Trapper Keeper bursts through every window in the house and then the house begins to crumble around it. It collapses in on itself. moves away from the house, leaving "Bill" and Liane in bed fully exposed to the elements]
Liane: [on top] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison sits with the class around the table and hears some ominous noise]
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing? Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]
Rosie O'Donnell: Hello, kids!
Filmore: Aunt Rosie!
Mr. Garrison: [in a panic] Run for your lives, children! [grabs a bat] I'll try to fight it off!
Filmore: That's my aunt, Rosie O'Donnell.
Mr. Garrison: Oh. Oh, um... Pleasure to meet you, Miss Donnell. You're looking... well.
Rosie O'Donnell: Don't worry, kids. Everything's gonna be fine. What's the problem?
Filmore: Aunt Rosie. We think I won class president.
Ike Supporter: No, Ike won.
Mr. Garrison: Look, it's very simple. We took a vote and the vote tied, so now we gotta come up with a way--
Rosie O'Donnell: Well it obviously isn't that simple, is it? I mean, you'd think a little kindergarten teacher could've handled this, but now we're gonna do it my way!
[South Park, outskirts. The Trapper Keeper enters the scene and demolishes the sign]
Trapper Keeper: [now with Cartman's voice] We are Trapper Keeper.
BSM-471: [on a bluff with Stan and Kyle looking at the Trapper Keeper leave town] Oh no! It is heading for Cheyenne Mountain!
Kyle: Why is that bad?
BSM-471: It was when the Trapper Keeper assimilated with the supercomputer at Cheyenne Mountain that it was able to fuse into all defensive computers!
Stan: Then we have to stop it before it gets there! [leads the others off the bluff and onto a waiting cruiser. "Bill" takes the wheel and Kyle takes the passenger window seat]
Kyle: Step on it, Bill Cosby! ["Bill" starts the cruiser and drives off]
[The road to Cheyenne Mountain. All is quiet. Two security guards wait at the entrance reading newspapers. The one wearing glasses looks up]
Guard 2: Hey, Mark, look.
Mark: Wow. That is about the nicest Trapper Keeper I've ever seen. [a police siren is heard, and promptly "Bill" arrives with Stan and Kyle. They hop out of the car and face the Trapper Keeper]
Stan: Cartman, you have to stop!
Trapper Keeper: We are Trapper Keeper. We are one.
BSM-471: A part of your friend must still be alive in there. [the three of them study the Trapper Keeper from a distance until Stan finds a ventilation hose coming out of it. Smoke comes out of it, and a fart is heard]
Stan: He is in there.
BSM-471: That must be what Trapper Keeper is using for ventilation. If one of you could get in there, you could reach the CPU.
Stan: One-two-three, not it!
Kyle: Not—Aw, damnit..! [walks up to the hissing hose and climbs in]
[Interior. Kyle makes his way in and scrambles through a field of organs until he reaches the memory core. The valves open up and suck Kyle into the core. Kyle floats through the core, à la 2001: A Space Odyssey]
Cartman: [à la HAL 9000] What are you doing, Kyle?
Kyle: I'm going to try and break you away from the computer, Cartman. I need to remove the CPU.
Cartman: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.
Kyle: Screw you, fat ass!
Cartman: Hey, screw you.
Kyle: Cartman! [hits a wall with a wrench]
Cartman: Agh--! [four metallic arms from all directions reach out to trap him, then six more organic ones come in to secure him]
Kyle: No!
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The kids run around arguing with each other and carry signs]
Rosie O'Donnell: [sits on a chair with Filmore on her lap] Okay, so then what we're going to do is count everybody's vote by hand, and after that, we're gonna go over the votes again manually, and then--
Mr. Garrison: [throws a fit] Oh, stop it, stop it! Stop i-i-it! [the kids and Rosie look at him] Look kids, we're all in this kindergarten class together. We have to respect one another or else we're in for a terrible school year.
Rosie O'Donnell: We're just making sure that the kids that voted for my nephew don't get cheated.
Mr. Garrison: Half the kids in the class didn't vote for your nephew, so what about them? You don't give a crap about them because they're not on your side! People like you preach tolerance and open-mindedness all the time, but when it comes to Middle America, you think we're all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political enlightenment! Well, just because you're on TV doesn't mean you know crap about the government! Now get your ass back on first class and respect this class's right to make up their own minds! [Rosie and the kids gasp] ...Oh, sorry I got a little off the subject, kids.
Rosie O'Donnell: How dare you?! I will not be preached at by a country pumpkin! [heads for the door and stands at the entrance] I'm leaving this podunk town, but in my place I'm gonna send more lawyers, statesmen and press than you have ever seen! [exits and slams the door shut]
Mr. Garrison: Oh no, children, I think I've just made this a whole lot worse.
[End of act three. Time: 18:58]
[South Park, a red sunset. A picture of the four main characters of Dawson's Creek is present. Camera zooms out, revealing Trapper Keeper covering Cheyenne Mountain. A slimy appendage reaches out and grabs a phone both next to two ladies]
Ladies: Aaghh! [hurry away. The Trapper Keeper absorbs the phone booth, and another of its appendages goes after a police car]
Cops: Wagghh! [hurry away. In the distance "Bill," the two security guards, and Stan watch Trapper Keeper get bigger and bigger. Behind them, the rest of South Park gathers and sees the spectacle]
Mark: Well that does it. I'm gonna have to report this. [whips out a walkie-talkie and starts] Car one to base-- [another appendage reaches down and pulls him up and away] Aghh! [Trapper Keeper swallows him up]
BSM-471: It is infusing with everything. It is already too powerful to stop!
Stan: Kyle's got to succeed. He's just got to.
[Interior. Kyle struggles to make his way out of the little situation he's in]
Kyle: I can't reach the CPU.
[Cheyenne Mountain, outside. A limo speeds up to the scene and encounters the Trapper Keeper, which is beginning to look like the tower in "Bill"'s prophecy. Rosie O'Donnell pops out and walks up to it]
Rosie: What are you doin'?! Get out of my way!
Guard 2: Oh, no! Now there's two of those things!
Stan: No, I think that other thing is Rosie O'Donnell. [an indecisive appendage hovers over Rosie]
Guard 2: Huh? Which one? I-It's just like I'm seeing double.
Rosie: [to Trapper Keeper] I said, get out of my way! [another appendage wraps around her and tries to pull her in] Aaaaggghhhh!!! [Trapper Keeper swells and heaves, and the fleshy appendage swallows Rosie up] Ogh. Noo-- [the appendage pulls her up and into Trapper Keeper]
Trapper Keeper: Eeww.
BSM-471: Look! I think that infusing with Rosie O'Donnell has made Trapper Keeper sick.
Trapper Keeper: Oohh... Bad pie... Bad pie... [begins to deflate and wither. Its appendages wither and begin to drop off as it darkens]
Stan: This is your chance, Kyle! Cartman has weakened!
[Interior. Cartman releases his hold on Kyle and Kyle drops to the floor. He quickly moves to the wall panel containing the CPU and pulls the CPU out along with some memory chips]
Kyle: Got 'em!
[Cheyenne Mountain, outside. Trapper Keeper turns into a big mass of goo, and Kyle and Cartman are spat out. Rosie ends up half-eaten. Everybody begins to approach Kyle and Cartman]
Stan: He did it!
[South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The kids are seated around the round table, and their lawyers stand behind them arguing. Mr. Garrison sits at the head of the table listening]
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, the lawyers for Ike's side have agreed with the lawyers on Filmore's side to hold another meeting regarding Form 22F. Do we all have that form? [the door opens, and in walks...]
Jesse Jackson: Is this the kindergarten classroom?
Mr. Garrison: Jesse Jackson?
Jesse Jackson: That's right! I believe the African-American in your class were misrepresented!
Mr. Garrison: [covering his face] We don't have any African-Americans in our class!
Jesse Jackson: Oh. Bye. [turns and walks out. Filmore raises his hand]
Mr. Garrison: Alright, so apparently what we're gonna do now is hand-count each person's ballot--
Filmore: Mistoreh Garrison, I concede. [Mr. Garrison's jaw drops, as do those of Filmore's lawyers]
Mr. Garrison: You... yuh, you what?
Filmore: I don't wanna play anymore, 'cause this game is stupid.
Sally: Yeah. It doesn't make any sense.
Filmore: Ike, you could be class president.
Ike: I pooped my pants!
Sally: [throws up her hands] Can we fingerpaint now?
Kids: [clamoring] Fingerpaint! Fingerpaint!
Mr. Garrison: Ohuh... Yes. [exults] Yes! Let's fingerpaint!
[Cheyenne Mountain. Stan and the others reach Cartman and Kyle]
Stan: You did it, Kyle! [to Cartman] Kyle saved your life, fat ass!
BSM-471: Look! I'm fading! [begins to fade from view] It must have worked. I don't exist! [disappears]
Stan: Huh, that's a bitch.
Cartman: Oh. Well, I guess everything's fine now. So let's go home.
Stan: Hey! Whoa whoa whoa, Cartman! All you've been doing is making fun of Kyle and now he's saved your life! You at least owe him a thank you!
Cartman: Awww, man...
Stan: Cartman!
Cartman: Alright, alright. [sighs] Kyle...
[End of Trapper Keeper.]
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