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Leftarrow 政正难题 碎番茄/剧本 死去的孩子 Rightarrow

出场角色

剧本

碎番茄
South Park, a rainy night. A girl screams
Crystal
Mommy! Momm-mmy! [her bedroom door opens and her parents walk in. Her dad flicks on the lights] He's gonna get me!
Bob White
Honey, honey, who's gonna get you?
Crystal
The President! I saw him! He's gonna get me!
Bob White
Crystal, the President isn't going to get you.
Crystal
But I saw him!
Bob White
[to his wife] See what I told you? It's that liberal school she's going to, filling her head with all kinds of garbage! Sweetie, the President is doing the best job he can. Your liberal school is just trying to convince you he's dangerous.
Crystal
But Daddy, he's getting-
Bob White
Uh uh, no buts! The President is in the White House, not here trying to get you. Okay?
Crystal
Oh-kaaay?
Bob White
All right. [he and Mom walk out the door, and he tells Mom] We're having a talk with that school in the morning! [turns to Crystal] Good night, honey. [turns off the lights, and the couple goes to their room. Thunder and lightning get Crystal out of bed and she goes to her window. She sees a shadow on the walkway outside. When lightning flashes, she sees it's indeed the President.]
Garrison
Hey! How are my approval ratings?! [Crystal runs back to bed]
Kyle's room, 8:57 p.m. He's moping at the foot of his bed.
Reporter
And the latest reports are now saying that over a million Canadians were killed in the nuclear blast. The bomb dropped by the U.S. President took out the entire city of Toronto, and fallout is expected to kill thousands more in the coming days. [a moment of silence follows, and Ike appears at Kyle's door.]
Kyle
Ike... Ike, I'm sorry that I caused a nuclear bomb to be dropped on Canada. I was just- you know, I was just trying to get shows that were toxic taken down. You know, those shows can be really harmful.
Ike
Ohhh, stop being a victim! Jesus Christ! [turns left and walks away. Kyle is left with his jaw dropped, then goes back to moping]
South Park, Elementary, day. It's raining outside. The Principal's office. A father is expressing his concerns
Bob White
What I wanna know is, what gives you the right to preach your political views to my children?! Our daughter woke up with nightmares that the President was going to get her! Just because two liberals happen to be principal and vice principal doesn't mean you can brainwash my kids!
PC Principal
Uh, we sort of have some bigger problems right now, Mr. Uh...
Bob White
It's White. Bob White. You probably never even heard of our family, huh? Well, the Whites have been here since the beginning! Not that it matters, 'cause no one cares about the Whites. Sure, everyone else has problems, but does anyone ask the Whites how they're doing?!
Strong Woman
Mr. White, we assure you that we run this school in a very [glances at PC Principal] professional manner and don't let [glances again] personal emotions get in the way. [glances again. He looks back, and their eyes are locked]
Bob White
Oh, sure you don't! You know how hard I had to fight to even get this meeting with you?! "Oh, who wants to talk to the administration? Oh, it's just the Whites? Oh, who cares about the Whites? They're fine!" Well, we've just about had with you, you understand? [a song plays that drowns out Mr. White's rant: Barbara Mandrell - "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want To Be Right"] And damn it, we won't be ignored!
Mrs.White
[hearing the song somehow] I'm sorry, is anyone else hearing "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want To Be Right" very very quietly?
Strong Woman
Uh, no. Mr. and Mrs. White, we promise that we will not let anything happen that might bring the integrity of this school into question.
Bob White
Guess that's all the Whites can hope for these days.
South Park, night. Someone is riding a bike in the rain. It's Tweek. He notices something off to his left - a red balloon - on which is written "Make America Great Again." The balloon pops, revealing President Garrison
Garrison
Hey!
Tweek
Aaaagh!
Garrison
How are my approval ratings?
Tweek
It's the President! Gaaahhh! [rides away quickly]
Garrison
Wait, come back! What's wrong?
Sepcial Report, with Bill Keegan
Bill Keegan
Still no word from the President as his Splatty Tomato approval rating drops to an unprecedented 3%. This puts the President four points below Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature. Meanwhile, the Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau called upon Canadians to stand strong.
Justin Trudeau
[stands behind a tattered podium with a Canadian flag on it.] Make no mistake, America! If you do not hand over your President, there will be war the likes of which you have never seen! Canadians will rise together! I call on all Canadians here and abroad to stand with their country! The U.S. President must answer for his crime, and only Canada can bring him to justice! [Trudeau himself was bombed, as he is charred and tattered as well. Ike, having seen the broadcast, gets angry and walks off]
A bus bench, day. Craig and Tweek sit on it, Tweek shivering from his encounter with the President. Tweek grumbles
Craig
[pats him on the shoulder] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.
Tweek
I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!
Kyle
[Him and Stan walk up with their bikes] What's going on?
Craig
Tweek's having a panic attack.
Tweek
It was real! He tried to get me!
Kyle
Who did?
Tweek
The President! [Stan looks away, as if Tweek's statement hit close to home]
Craig
It's just your imagination, Tweek.
Stan
It's not his imagination. I saw him too.
Kyle
You saw the President?
Stan
Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be..."
Heidi
..."The President?" [Her and Cartman walk up with their bikes] I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap..."
Token
"...How are my approval ratings?" [walks up with his bike] I saw him too.
Stan
Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger...
Randy
[rides up on his bike] ...Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.
Craig
But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?
Cartman
Just like that movie It.
Randy
You saw It too?
Cartman
Yeah, I saw It in the theater.
Token
I saw Stranger Things AND It.
Randy
Jesus. I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face a few seconds later.] Aw!
Town meeting, night. A crowd has gathered inside, and all the townsfolk are talking
Mayor McDaniels
All right, people. People, please! We need everyone to try and stay calm.
Townsman 1
How can we stay calm while the President's out there scaring our children?!
Mayor McDaniels
Look, we all want the President out of here. It's just a matter of how we do it. I know you all want to get rid of him.
Bob White
That's not true! The Whites still support the President
Randy
Oh, for fuck's sake, White, he's running around eating our pets and terrorizing our kids!
Bob White
You think Hillary would have been any better?!
Townsfolk
Aw! Come on! Sit down, Bob!
Bob White
[Sits down] I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin'
Mayor McDaniels
Listen, everyone. I have a team right now that's trying to locate the President, and I'd like you to hear from Officer Bright, who's leading the search. [the officer adjusts his pants and walks up to the podium]
Officer Bright
Hey folks, we know you're all uh concerned, but I wanna assure you that we're doing everything we can to track the President down and have him safely removed. Since the President was given a Splatty Tomato he's become very desperate and very dangerous. If you see the President, do not approach him. Do not try to reason with him. Most importantly, remember that this is the President, so you cannot shoot him. All right? You can't even talk about shooting him. Don't even... do any coy, satirical takes on shooting him. [the room stays silent] Okay, good. What we're trying to do here is just get the President to go away. We're gonna be handing out padlocks like this one [lifts one up for display] so everyone can lock up their garbage. If we don't feed the President, hopefully he'll just move on. Are there any questions?
Townsman 2
Can we talk about a friend shooting him if it's in sort of a sarcastic way?
Officer Bright
No, no, no. It's just best to avoid that kind of talk altogether. Remember, they can do to you what they did to Kathy Griffin.
Randy
Make her not funny for thirty years?
Officer Bright
That's right, so best thing is just lock up your garbage and see if we can get the President to... go away.
South Park, night. An officer is tacking posters of missing Ike onto community boards throughout town. Stan, Cartman, Heidi, Craig, and Tweek watch as the officer finishes his work on one particular board and moves on
Stan
Jesus. Now kids are going missing.
Tweek
We're all going to be missing soon! Nyaaarg!
Stan
[notices Kyle across the street walking by] Kyle! [the kids walk up to him]
Kyle
It's my fault. Ike went to go take matters into his own hands. I have to find him.
Craig
We'll help you.
Stan
We'll all help you.
Cartman
Guys this could be very dangerous.
Heidi
You're not going. You promised that tonight, we would have a date night.
Cartman
Darling this is a little more pressing than date night.
Heidi
Oh great.So Kyle's stupid brother goes missing, and I get fucked. How come I'm always the one getting shit on around here?
Kyle
I don't need anyone to go with me.
Heidi
Oh what's the matter, Kyle? Dont' want me around because you had the hots for me and I shut you down?
Kyle
I would never have the hots for the person you are now.
Stan
Come on you guys. Look, we all know what we're supposed to do now We all saw "It" and "Stranger Things". We need to get our backpacks and go out to the woods and save the town from evil to some kick-ass '80s' music!
Meanwhile at De Faggoncini Italian, Butters, the Vice Principal and PC Principal walk trhough the door. Butters wears a message on his shirt saying 'Student of the Day'.
Waiter
Hello, joing us for lunch today?
PC Principal
Uh, yes. We are here with our student of the day to reward him lunch with the principal and vice principal.
Waiter
Okay, last name?
Strong Woman
Woman.
Waiter
First name?
Strong Woman
[Takes a deep breath] Strong.
Waiter
Oh, yes, Strong Woman, here we are. We have a nice booth set up for you.
Strong Woman
We can't keep doing this. People are gonna see through it.
PC Principal
Is it my fault that I found the most amazing, perfect, beautiful woman...at work?
Strong Woman
Nobody will understand.
PC Principal
Maybe they will. We're co-worker who are in love. You really think that's going to bother people?
Butters
Well, should we order now?
Bob White comes out of his house with some food. He then starts whistling. He then proceeds to put the food on the floor but is stopped.
Randy
What are you doing, Bob?
Bob White
Aah!
Randy
[Randy is joined by Steven, Linda, Sharon and Roger] Have you been putting food out for the president?
Bob White
No, I was just, uh, taking these sandwiches to the trash.
Randy
We all agreed not to feed him so he'd go away.
Bob White
We didn't all agree! You all agreed! Nobody asked the Whites how they felt! Nobody cares what the Whites have to say!
Randy
Bob come on. You have to know it's not safe to have him here.
Bob White
In 2003, Hillary Clinton admitted to taking funds for her foundation from foreign diplomats!
Randy
What's that got to do with anything, Bob? Come on.
Bob White
It's fucking true!
Randy
Bob, if Canada finds out the president is hiding here, they are going to nuke us. He needs to go.
Bob White
Hillary wouldn't have been any better.
Randy
Give me the finger sandwiches.
Bob White
Fine! Go ahead and take the White's sandwiches! They've taken everything else!
As the boys begin their journey "The Chicago Bears' The Super Bowl Shuffle" plays.
Stan
Due, this is '80's' music?
Craig
Yeah. It's Pandora. '80s' channel.
Stan
Well, just skip to the next song, man. We're trying to get psyched to destroy evil. We need better '80s' music than that.
As the boys continue, "Gloria" plays. Heidi stops as the boys go over a bridge.
Cartman
Heidi? Honey, what are you doing?
Heidi
This is the place... This is the place where I ended it all, remember? This is where I threw my phone of the bridge and quit Twitter for good. [The camera pans to the left to show Heidi's ghost] I was so different then... so naive and hopeful. [The ghost throws the phone in the river after tweeting her final goodbye]
Cartman
Yes honey, now can we get going, please?
Heidi
I'm sorry! I'm trying to have a moment here! This is where our whole relationship started asshole!
Cartman
Yes, it's very touching, sweetheart. I love you so much. [Quietly] I'm sorry about this, you guys.
Heidi
[The ghost turns to face herself] I remember feeling like I had nobody. Skinny bitch.
Kyle
We need to keep going guys.
Over at the Mayor's office.
Mayor McDaniels
Don't tell me you haven't gotten the President out of here.
Officer Bright
We haven't gotten the president out of here. And there's some worse news. A bunch of kids have gone missing.
Mayor McDaniels
What?
Officer Bright
I think we have to assume that the President has... eaten them. [Mrs Tweak starts crying]
Mayor McDaniels
Why are you here talking to me instead of trying to find the President?
Officer Bright
Don't worry, we're close. He's out in the woods somewhere. And we've set up a fox trap.
The president is watching a mouse, grabs it and eats it. He then sees Fox News with a man sitting waiting.
Garrison
Oh, Fox News... They'll listen to me. They'll get my side of the story right!
Bob White
[He does bird whistles to get Garrison's attention] It's a trap!
Garrison
What?
Bob White
It's a Fox trap, Mr. President!
Garrison
Oh, thank God for the Whites.
The boys venture on as "Hold On to the Nights" plays.
Kyle
Ike! Ike?
Stan
Dude, come on! This is not kick-ass '80s' music!
Craig
"Hold On to the Nights" Richard Marx, 1988.
Tweek
Do we really need music?
Stan
Yeah! Craig just has the wrong stuff. Forget your pandora. I'm doing Spotify. '80s' music. 'Kay. There. ["Pac-Man Fever" plays]
Craig
Oh, yeah. That's better.
Kyle
Can we go please?!
The boys come up to the log cabin.
Kyle
Here it is. [Opens the door] Ike?
Heidi
Wait a minute... Isn't this the place you brought me before? The place you said your friends smashed your phone and computer...? I remember I felt so bad for you. We used to sit in the part and talk for hours. How come we never do that anymore?
Cartman
Oh, fuck. Here we go.
Heidi
Here we go what?! You used to be so nice to me.
Cartman
You used to be nice to me!
Heidi
I tired! But then you started rolling your eyes every time I tried to talk to you!
Cartman
Ughhhh...
Kyle
He's not here either.
Craig
Dude, maybe your brother didn't even go looking for the President.
Kyle
You don't understand Canadians. They're fiercely loyal to their country. When Canada is attacked, they all join in the fight.
Ike is seen riding a dog. He uses a pair of binoculars to look around. He then picks some poo up, breaks it in half and sniffs it, he then proceeds to get back on his dog.
Randy and a few other parents are looking around in the woods. He uses a flashlight.
Jimbo
Randy! Randy!
Randy
What?
Jimbo
They got him! They found the President!
Officer Bright
We found his hideout. There. Someone's gotta go flush him out. I'll be ready to trap him.
Randy
I'll do it.
Officer Bright
Hey, hey! Just remember he's been eating animals and living like a monster. Just... prepare yourself for what you're about to see.
Randy approaches the tent and looks inside to see Strong Woman and PC Principal naked.
Strong Woman
Oh, my God!
Randy
What the... Principal and Vice Principal...?
Strong Woman
I told you we couldn't hide.
Randy
But... But you two work togeth... You two work togeth... [Vomits]
Officer Bright
Hey, what the hell's going on?!
Linda Black
Who's together?
Randy
The Principal and the Vice Principal!
Steven
They can't be together! They're co-workers!
PC Principal and Strong Woman exit the tent. Steven vomits.
Offier Bright
Wait, wait. You mean he's actually her superior and they were in there... [Gags, then vomits]
Steven
Who would want to put their penis in a co-worker?! [Gags then vomits. Everyone else starts doing the same]
The boys proceed on while Queen of Hearts plays.
Kyle
Oh, my God! Look! These are Ike's toy binoculars! He was here! Ike!
Heidi
I remember this place too... This is where you brought me on Halloween. Remember?
Cartman
[Sarcastically] Yes, darling, wasn't it romantic
Heidi
No! It wasn't romantic. There was a witch and you had me dress up like Gretel and... [gasps] you were trying to get me killed!
Cartman
Sweetheart, you made me late to the pumpkin patch, remember? I was hurt.
Heidi
You were hurt! You Were the victim.
Cartman
I'm glad you understand.
Heidi
[Heidi's ghost appears] Who turned you into this, Heidi? Shut up! Skinny-ass bitch! You don't know anything!
Cartman
Heidi, I think spooky walk in the woods is making you lost it a little bit.
Stan
Guys!
Garrison
I'm seriously dehydrated and starving. I'm pretty sick of this shit, so you better... Aah!
Mr Garrison gets caught in a trap Ike set up. Meanwhile at the Community Center.
Mr. Turner
Have we already done a search of this area? Maybe she went there with her boyfriend!
Mrs. Turner
She would have called by now.
Laura
I just talked to the McKormicks. They haven't seen Tweek or Craig since yesterday.
Just then, Jimbo, Steven, Linda, Officer Bright, Roger, Mrs Tweak along with a few other parents walk through the door.
Sharon
Randy! Did you find anything?
Randy
[He takes off his hood] Sharon... I... I...
Sharon
What is it? What did you find?
Randy
The... There's... Ugh...
Sharon
Tell me! You have to tell me! [Officer Bright takes off his hat] Oh, God! What did you see?!
Randy
You don't want to know.
Sharon
You have to tell me! I can take it! Did you find our son's arm? Did you find him torn apart? What?!
Randy
The Principal and Vice Principal are, like... together. [Sharon vomits right onto Randy's face.] Aw!
Ike plays a high pitched horn as he arrives back in South Park. Everyone comes out of the Community Center. He has Garrison tied up behind and gagged.
Officer Bright
It's the President! [People begin to cheer]
Shelia
Ike! Kyle!
Sharon
Stan, you're okay!
Stan
Yeah, we're okay!
Officer Bright
We got him. We got the son of a bitch. [Bob white walks over and grabs Officer Bright's gun]
Bob White
Get back! Everyone back! Do it now! Get over here, family!
Randy
Bob, for the love of Pete, our country is about to go to war!
Bob White
You wanna know where there's a war?! There's a war on Christmas! Nobody cares about that! 'Cos guess who loves Christmas? The Whites! At least this man's trying to save Christmas!
Garrison
[Muffled] That's true!
Randy
He's not saving Christmas, Bob. He's running around scaring your kids and shitting in the woods.
Bob White
[Sighs, sobs]
Randy
Come on, Bob. What's best for your daughter? I mean, really?
Heidi
[Heidi grabs White's gun] You piece of shit! This was all your fault! [She points the gun at Cartman] You controlled me and manipulated me and turned me into this!
Cartman
Baby, put down the guy, sweetheart, okay?
Heidi
I used to be kind. I used to be caring. But then you... you... No. Not you. Me. I did this. I let being a victim become a way of life. If you always make yourself the victim, you can justify being awful. Eric... I'm sorry. I'm breaking up with you.
Cartman
Honey, don't be ridiculous.
Heidi
I've been ridiculous. I have to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Cartman
Heidi, you are not breaking up with me.
Heidi
Yes, I am. It's over.
Cartman
I'm afraid I can't let you do that, sweetheart! [He grabs the gun and points it at himself] Step back! I'll do it I swear to God!
Heidi
It's not gonna work this time, Eric.
Cartman
You break up with me, I will kill myself! The choice is your, Heidi! Come on everybody! "Eric, we don't want you to die."
Heidi
I'm sorry. You can be the victim. I can't.
Cartman
Heidi! Heidi, I'm gonna do it! Here we go! Heidi? Are you seriously...
A scream is heard. Everyone moves to where Garrison was.
Officer Bright
He broke free!
Jimbo
The President is on the loose again.
Officer Bright
He'll be even more desperate now. It's going to get worse.
Stan
We can't destroy him, can we?
Randy
I don't know. I guess... It's up to the Whites.
碎番茄 结束
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