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Leftarrow 大厨归来 自负警告!/剧本 卡通战争·上 Rightarrow

出场角色

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Clyde
  • Craig Tucker
  • Token Black
  • The Broflovskis
  • The Marshes
  • The Stotches
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Darryl Weathers
  • Richard Tweek
  • Mrs. Garrison
  • Laura Tucker
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Townsfolk
  • Peter Thompson, Nancy Jarvis, and Brian Thompson-Jarvis
  • Paul McDonahue, Paulie Beaumont-McCallahan, and Mindy McDonahue-Beaumont-McCallahan
  • Gail And Brian
  • Alan
  • KXUV DJ
  • Blonde
  • Wake Up America! Spokeswoman
  • Ranger McFriendly
  • Keenan Williams
  • Two San Francisco boys
  • San Francisco Man

剧本

自负警告!
Downtown South Park, day. A hybrid car zips along Main Street. Gerald is driving it, with Kyle and Ike in the back seat and Ike safely tocked into his car seat behind Gerald. He stops in front of the Tweek house. The car has "hybrid" plastered all over it
Gerald
Hey there, Richard!
Richard
[stops shoveling snow and stands up] Oh, hey Gerald. New car?
Gerald
Yeah. It's a hybrid. I just... I just couldn't sit back and- [closes his eyes as if to banish bad thoughts] be a part of destroying the earth anymore.
Richard
Well... Good for you.
Gerald
Oho... [gives a thumbs up, closes his eyes and says with a slight falsetto] Thanks. [drives off and back into town, where Mr. Stotch and Mrs. Garrison observe him drive by]
Stephen
Well, there goes the new high-and-mighty Gerald Broflovski.
Mrs. Garrison
Yeah, ever since he got that new hybrid he thinks he's better than everyone else.
An intersection. Gerald ends up abreast of an SUV and gets the driver's attention.
Gerald
You know, the emissions from a vehicle like yours causes irreparable damage to the ozone. I drive a hybrid; it's much better for the environment. [begins to drive away, with his eyes closed] Thanks.
Kyle
Dad, can we go home? All you ever do since you got this car is drive around and show it off! [a quite-satisfied Gerald stops at the next intersection. Another hybrid car pulls up alongside him]
Driver
Hey, is that a hybrid?
Gerald
Oh yes. You've got one too, I see.
Driver
Yeah, I like to be a part of the solution and not part of the problem. Well, anyway, [sticks his thumb up through the passenger window] good for you!
Gerald
[sticks up his thumb in return and begins to drive away with his eyes closed] Thanks.
Kyle
[firmly] Dad, I think Ike is starving to death. [Ike's eyes are half-closed and he's getting woozy]
Gerald
Hold on, boys. We still have to go to the hardware store, and hand out awareness citations to SUV cars in the parking lot.
Kyle
What?!
True-Value Hardware and Home Improvement. Gerald begins posting citations on cars. He and his boys are wearing orange safety vests. Kyle and Ike are none too pleased about having to do this
Gerald
Okay, there's another one. [smiles and looks up after posting a citation on a green car] Aw, man! Look at that! [walks two cars over] Can you believe this?! An SUV with a V8 engine, makes me sick! [begins writing up a citation] "Ticket for driving a gas-guzzler"
Kyle
[catches up] Dad, can we go home, please?
Gerald
Look, there's a Jeep over there! Go write them a ticket, Kyle!
Kyle
But Dad, I want-
Gerald
NOW, KYLE! [Kyle's eyelids drop and he goes to write the citation. He and Stan cross paths]
Stan
Oh hey Kyle.
Kyle
Aw, hey dude. What are you doing here?
Stan
Helping my Dad pick out some cool new power tools. What are you doing?
Kyle
[his head drops] Helping my Dad give people fake tickets. [Randy reaches his red SUV and notices the citation on his windshield]
Randy
What's this? [takes the citation and reads it]
Gerald
Oh! Sorry Randy. Looks like you got a ticket.
Randy
A ticket? "Failure to care about the environment" Oh Goddammit, did you do this, Gerald?!
Gerald
Yeah. I'm just, you know, trying to make people more aware ya' know, it's a-
Randy
You got some nerve, you know that?! Where do you come off ticketing people?!
Gerald
Well, Randy, calm down. It's not a real ticket.
Randy
I know it's not a real ticket!!
Jimbo
[approaches] Broflovski, did you put this crap on my windshield?! [Randy crosses his arms]
Gerald
Jimbo, your truck probably gets less than ten miles to the gallon.
Jimbo
[crumples the ticket into a wad and throws it down] Well thanks, Officer Dickhole!
Kyle
Dad, let's just go!
Gerald
Look, I'm just trying to make the people of South Park aware of a very serious problem.
Randy
The problem, Gerald, is that ever since you got a hybrid car, you've gotten so smug that you love the smell of your own farts!
Gerald
Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't think it was "high and mighty" to [closes his eyes] care about the earth!
Randy
And that too! Stop talking with your eyes closed! That's what smug people do!
Gerald
Well, I really don't see how [closes his eyes] that has anything to do with the-
Randy
There, like that! Stop that!
Darryl
Who the hell put this faggy fake ticket on my truck!
Gerald
All right, that does it! Come on, Kyle, I don't want you hanging around with these ignorant idiots! [they walk away, and Ike bounces along]
The Broflovski kitchen, night. Gerald and Sheila chat as Sheila washes dishes
Gerald
Yeah. Yeah, I think it's best we just do it right away.
Kyle
[walks into the kitchen with Ike] Dad. [his parents turn to face him] Dad, Ike and I have been talking, and well, we feel that your new car is changing you.
Gerald
[closes his eyes] Yes, it certainly is.
Kyle
We're thinking that a lot of people in town starting too... [rolls his eyes]
Ike
Take offense.
Kyle
...a-are starting to take offense at your actions. We feel like you're starting to become-hmm... [rolls his eyes again and cues Ike]
Ike
[slowly] Alienated.
Kyle
...star-starting to become alienated from some of your friends.
Gerald
Well, I totally agree, Kyle.
Kyle
You do??
Gerald
Yes. A lot of people in town just aren't ready to drive hybrid cars.
Kyle
Righ! [grins] Okay, good.
Gerald
And that's why, [hugs Sheila by the shoulder] I've talked it over with your mother, and [releases the hug] ...we've decided to MOVE!
Kyle
What??
Gerald
We need to be where everyone is motivated and progressive like us! Start getting your things packed, boys! The Broflovksi family is moving to San Francisco! [grins. Kyle and Ike look stunned]
Stan's room, day. Stan has a book open, but his thoughts are elsewhere. Someone knocks on his door
Stan
Yeah? [the door opens and Butters enters]
Butters
Uh hay, Stan. Uh you should come on over. Uh they're havin' a goin'-away party for Kyle.
Stan
Going away party? What do you mean?
Butters
Well don't you know? Kyle's movin' away.
Stan
[jumps off his chair and looks at Butters] Moving away?? Kyle can't move away!
Butters
Well he is.
Stan
Where's the going-away party?
Butters
At Cartman's house.
Cartman's house. There is indeed a party there, but Kyle isn't visible among the guests. The other fourth-graders are enjoying themselves. A banner above the sofa reads: GOODBYE KYLE
Cartman
[walks into the living room with a pitcher and cups of pop] Hey everybody! There's more pop in the refrigerator. Let's make this the best going-away party EVER! [blows into a noisemaker and makes it stick out. Other kids walk up and take cups away]
Token
Hey Eric, where's Kyle?
Cartman
Who? [smiles innocently]
Clyde
Kyle, the person leaving.
Cartman
Kyle? Why would I invite Kyle?
Craig
Dude, a going-away party is supposed to be for the person who is going away!
Stan
[enters the house and the other boys move a bit] Kyle? Kyle!
Clyde
Kyle's not here. Cartman didn't invite him.
Stan
What?!
Cartman
You guys, this is our party. That no-good back-stabbing Jew rat is finally leaving! Come on, everyone! Let's sing! [Stan leaves]'Nanana na! Nanana na! Hey hey hey! Goodbye Kyle!
Kyle's house, front lawn, day. His family is almost finished packing everything into the moving van
Stan
Kyle! Du-what is going on?!
Kyle
My Dad says he can't live here anymore.
Stan
Mr. Broflovski, please. Kyle's my best friend.
Gerald
I'm sorry, Stan, but unfortunately you live in a small-minded town filled with ignorant boobs.
Stan
Well... Maybe they'll change.
Gerald
[puts a small box into the trunk] I wouldn't count on it. Come on, boys, get in the car! [Kyle and Ike head towards it]
Stan
Nooo!
Gerald
[opens the back right door, and the boys climb in] Maybe you can make a difference, Stan. [closes the door] Maybe you can get everyone to drive hybrid cars. Until that day, [walks around to the driver's side] we're just gonna have to be [closes his eyes] with our own kind. [gets in and begins to drive away. Stan steps into the street and watches them go]
Stan
I will. I will get everyone to drive hybrid cars! I swear it!
San Francisco, day. The city is seen from the north, with the Golden Gate Bridge in the foreground. All around is a brown haze that hangs over the city, but people don't seem to notice it. Another shot has a streetcar go by as San Franciscans go about their day. The third shot is Chinatown, the fourth is the Haight-Ashbury district with hippies everywhere. The last shot is of a row of houses stepping up a hill. The moving van stops in front of one of them. The Broflovskis move into their new home
Gerald
Well? What do you think, huh? [the boxes are present, but as yet unpacked]
Sheila
Oh Gerald, it's beautiful.
Gerald
Yeah. Now THIS, is a house. [some neighbors stop in]
Man
Oh hello there, you must be the new neighbors.
Gerald
Yes that's right. We're the Broflovskis.
Man
Welcome to San Francisco. I'm Peter Thompson. This is my wife, Nancy Jarvis, and our son, Brian Thompson-Jarvis [sucking on something purple] So how do you like the neighborhood?
Sheila
Oh it's gorgeous. These old houses are so neat.
Peter
Yes, well, unlike most cities, in San Francisco we try to [closes his eyes] keep all the historic houses instead of knocking them down.
Man 2
[approaches the front entrance] You in here, Peter?
Peter
Oh hay, Paul. Come on in and meet the Broflovskis
Paul
Hello there. I'm Paul McDonahue. This is my wife, Paulie Beaumont-McCallahan, and our daughter, Mindy McDonahue-Beaumont-McCallahan
Gerald and Sheila
Hello.
Paul
We noticed your hybrid out front - that's a V series, right?
Gerald
Yeah. That's right.
Peter
Whoa, nice car, but we're gonna have to get you into the BT series [closes his eyes] Its emissions are actually cleaner.
Gerald
Wow, so, everyone here drives a hybrid, huh?
Peter
Oh, of course. We're a little more progressive and ahead of the curve here in San Francisco. [farts, then bends over to take it all in, then stands up again] Ahhhm. [licks his lips to savor every last bit of fart] Anyway, I'm sure you'll find it much better here.
Paul
Yes, you'll find that San Francisco is pretty much more open-minded and grown-up than the Midwest. [farts, then bends over to take it all in as if it were oxygen] Ahhh, [sniff] ahh, [sniff] ahh. [stands up] We're just a little bit more protective of our environment here in San Francisco
Gerald
Yeah. We sure are.
South Park, Stan's house, night. Stan is on his bed working out a new song on his guitar. His door is open
Stan
Come on, people. Come on, people now. [Cartman and Butters enter]
Cartman
Dude, what are you doing?
Stan
I'm writing a song about the importance of hybrid cars, so maybe people will change their ways.
Cartman
THAT's gay, heh.
Stan
Well if I have any chance of getting Kyle back, I have to get people to stop driving SUVs!
Cartman
Why do you want Kyle back?? Don't you see how awesome it is without him?
Stan
You know, Cartman, you may be stoked now, but I bet you're gonna find that withuot Kyle around to rip on, your life is empty, and hollow.
Cartman
[fears that for a moment, then] Psh! Whatever dude. I don't need Kyle to rip on, I've got Butters. Come on, Butters, you stupid Jew! [walks out]
Butters
Yeah! I'm a dumb Jew. [walks out after Cartman. Stan resumes composing]
Stan
Come on, people. Come on, people now.
KXUV Radio Station. An extreme closeup of the host's booth.
DJ
All right, all you dreamers and creamers out there out there in South Park, I'm gonna play a song by a local artist that really made me think about my impact on the earth. This is Stan Marsh with "Hey, People, You've Gotta Drive Hybrids Already". [Stan's intro begins to play]
Stan


Come on now, people now people now
People now, come on now, people now
Got to drive hybrids, people now
People now, people now, people now
Hybrids are for people now, people now
Group of people driving people now
Get a hybrid, be good people now.

as he sings, the following takes place: FM 1 98.7 shows up, Randy notices his son singing, Jimbo notices his nephew singing, a stranger slumps a little in his car, Principal Victoria notices one of her students singing, other people stop to listen
Customer
He's right. [people leave their cars and go to a Toyonda hybrid dealership]
Stan


We have all got to be people now
People-driving-hybrid people now
People now, people now, hybrid now
Hybrid-people-driving people now.
Come on, people, let's be people now
Hybrid-people-driving people now
Come on, everybody be people now

as he sings, the following takes place: Randy joins the rush of customers checking out hybrids at the dealership, Jimbo drives off in his new red hybrid and pulls up next to the Stotches, who are driving their new hybrid as well. They give each other thumbs up and gloat a bit. Another driver pulls up alongside Randy and gives him a thumbs up. Randy returns the gesture. More people check out the dealership. Mrs.Tucker(Craig's mother) pulls up alongside Jimbo
Laura Tucker
Hey Jimbo, you got a hybrid too?
Jimbo
Yeah, I just wanted to [closes his eyes] try to set an example, you know?
Laura Tucker
Yeah, I guess it's up to us to [closes her eyes] show everyone the way.[opens them] Good for you
Jimbo
[cheerfully closes his eyes] Thanks. [drives off]
At an intersection
Mrs. Garrison
Can you believe some people still don't drive hybrids? [pets her own hybrid]
Randy
I know! It's like "Earth to America? Hello? This is simple stuff here. Gawl"
Mr. Mackey is parked amid a small crowd
Mr. Mackey
Well from now on, I'm only going to associate with other hybrid-car drivers. Everyone else is just ignorant, m'kay?
Two drivers going the same direction
Driver 1
[eyes closed, thumb up] Good for you!
Driver 2
[eyes closed, thumb up] Thanks!
Randy
[eyes closed, thumb up] At least we're smart enough to know better!
Driver 3
[leans out and looks back, eyes closed, thumb up] Thanks! [the street is now filled with hybrids]
Stan
Come on, everybody be people now
South Park Town Square, day. The stage is set up for a speech. On the curtains is a banner with a flag over it. The banner reads: WAKE UP AMERICA!
Speaker
And so we are here to honor Stan Marsh for making South Park the city with the highest percentage of hybrid owners in the country! [the crowd cheers]
Richard
If only the rest of the country [closes his eyes] was as insightful as we are.
Stan
[steps up and holds his trophy] Ah, thanks. I was really just trying to make it so my friend can move back here so... if you don't mind, I'm gonna try to get a hold of him now. [steps down and walks off the stage. The crowd cheers]
Jimbo
Great speech!
Gerald
Yeah, well, you know my son is just [closes his eyes] a little bit more clever than some.
An officer
[stops Stan as Stan steps onto solid ground] Hello there, I'm Ranger McFriendly. I'm the person who watches over the delicate ecosystem of South Park. You must be the little boy who wrote that song.
Stan
Yeah.
Ranger McFriendly
Uhh! [smacks Stan on the left cheek enough to spin his head around]
Stan
Ow!
Ranger McFriendly
You son of a bitch! Do you have any idea what you've done?!
Stan
What?!
Ranger McFriendly
Come with me! [walks off. Stan follows]
Ranger McFriendly and Stan walk to the top of a hill overlooking the town
Ranger McFriendly
There! Look! [a dark brown cloud is showing hovering over the town]
Stan
Smog? There's never been smog over South Park before.
Ranger McFriendly
Don't you get it?! When people drive hybrid cars, they get so full of themselves they spew tons of self-satisfied garbage into the air! That isn't smog, it's smug!
Stan
Smug?
Ranger McFriendly
Hybrid cars make better for emission levels, but people who drive hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug. You can have smug in the atmosphere, and you know what that leads to? Glodal laming! Thanks to your gay little song, South Park is now the second smuggiest city in America!
South Park breaking news. Awesome graphics
Announcer
This is a South Park News Weather Bulletin!
Anchor Tom
It looks like we have a smug alert here in South Park. Our own Keenan Williams has the details. Keenan?
Keenan
[at the weather desk] Thanks, Tom, a smug alert is in effect at least tomorrow morning. [a map of Denver and surrounding areas] All those hybrid cars on the road have caused heavy smug to develop over most of Park and Jefferson Counties. On the national map, we can see smug over Denver and developing smug in Los Angeles. However, San Francisco is once again the smuggiest city in the country.
San Francisco, day. The scenes shown previously are repeated
Singer
A smuggy day in San Francisco town.
The Broflovski house, housewarming party
Paul
Sheila, did you meet Gail and Brian?
Sheila
No! Hello, how are you?
Gail
Really good, really good. [she farts and quickly bends over to inhale it all]
Gerald
Hey there. Alan, right?
Alan
Actually, it's Alain
Gerald
Right right, w-would, would you like red or white wine?
Alan
Can I just get an empty glass?
Gerald
Oh. Sure. [hands him an empty glass]
Alan
Can you believe all these imbeciles in Texas? They just put another prisoner to death. [puts the glass to his ass and farts into it, then lifts the glass to his nose and inhales deeply]
Kyle's room. Brian and Mindy are present with two other kids. All of them are on Ike's side of the room, two of them on Ike's bed, while Kyle and Ike are on Kyle's side, sitting on Kyle's bed.
Kyle
[hesitant at first] So... what do you do for fun?
Brian
We drink and take drugs.
Boy 1
Do you want some acid?
Kyle
Oh, no thanks. We don't do that stuff.
Boy 2
You will. There's a reason most San Francisco kids take a lot of drugs.
Brian
It's the only thing that allows us to deal with our parents all walking around loving the smell of their own farts all the time.
Gerald
Everything okay in here, Kyle?
Kyle
Yeah, fine, Dad.
Gerald
So much better here with the intellectuals, isn't it, boys? [farts, then bends over and inhales his own fart] Wuhh [sniffs, rises and walks away] Mmmm.
Kyle
Well... maybe I'll take just half a hit of acid.
Ike
I want three.
Stan's house, day. Butters and Cartman are playing a video game from Stan's sofa while Stan is on the phone
Stan
No, no, I'm asking if there's a listing for Broflovski in San Francisco! They just moved there!
Cartman
Haha! Take that, Jew boy! I guess you Heebs can't even play video football!
Butters
[giggles] Yeah. You're right. [Cartman stops for a few seconds, then drops his controller]
Cartman
You know Butters, you make for a lousy Jew.
Butters
Well I'm sorry. Well it's just that I'm not Jewish, and now th-
Cartman
No, no! Don't apologize, you asshole!
Ranger McFriendly
[barging in] Marsh!
Stan
Oh crap, Ranger McFriendly.
Cartman
Who?
Ranger McFriendly
You'd better come with me to the news station! Our situation just got a lot worse!
South Park News station, later. Stan looks over Keenan's shoulder as McFriendly, Cartman and Butters look on
Keenan
I noticed it on the computer this morning. Look here. [a satellite map is shown, with a closeup window over it. There's smug everywhere] This is the smug over South Park. It's... getting bigger and gaining strength.
Cartman
[clearly doesn't know what's happening] The smug?
Keenan
The smug is getting so massive that it's moving west... and fusing with the San Francisco smug... Here. [points to the smug over the California-Nevada border, near Reno] These two smug clouds are combining, fueling each other. [moves his hand over the hurricane-like formation over the Nevada-Utah border] Now take a look at this. [moves his hand towards Southern California. A small cell is moving northward]
Stan
What is that?
Keenan
It's the smug from George Clooney's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards.
Stan
George Clooney's acceptance speech?
Keenan
Did you hear it? He talked about how people in Hollywood are ahead of the curve on social mattes. He even took credit for the Civil Rights movement -Look!! The point is... the smug from his acceptance speech has been slowly drifting north since he gave it... and is headed straight for the super cell. The South Park and San Francisco smug is already at critical mass. If it gets hit by George Clooney's acceptance speech, it will be a disaster of epic proportions. The perfect storm... of self-satisfaction.
Ranger McFriendly
We've got to tell the townspeople! South Park still has a chance to make it through the storm!
Stan
What about San Francisco?
Keenan
[with gravity] Kid, thanks to your gay little song, there's not gonna be a San Francisco.
South Park Square, day. A town meeting has again been called, this time for storm preparation. Ranger McFriendly is talking
Ranger McFriendly
Soo, that's it people. [a different map showing the various smugs is shown, with an arrow going from Clooney's smug to the center of the super cell] When the smug from George Clooney's speech hits the San Francisco and South Park smug, we're gonna witness a storm the likes of which we've never seen.
Randy
Are you trying to tell us the smug from our hybrids is actually gonna kill us all?
Ranger McFriendly
If the smug clouds remain the way they are, yes. [the crowd grasps, then people begin talking about it]
Jimbo
This is all Stan's fault! He wrote that gay little song and got us to drive those damned hybrids!
Randy
Yeah. Good going, stupid!
Ranger McFriendly
Listen! Though we all agree this is Stan's fault, there is still something we can do. If we all work together to reduce smugness, we might be able to lessen the effects of the storm, at least here in our own town.
Stephen
Then that's it. There's only one way to reduce smugness. We've gotta destroy every hybrid car in town! [the crowd responds vigorously to the plan]
Jimbo
Everyone get your hybrid and meet at Dawson's! [Stan turns left and walks away]
Randy
Hey, where do you think YOU're going?!
Stan
[stops and turns to face the crowd] I'm gonna try and warn Kyle to get out of San Francisco.
Randy
Oh no you're not! Your gay little song got us to drive hybrids; you're gonna help us get rid of 'em!
Ranger McFriendly
How long do we have until the smug clouds collide?
Keenan
Not long. The smug from George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech has already crossed into Arizona.
The Arizona desert, day. The smug is shown floating over a desert road. Dusty and Sons gas station is shown. The smug is quickly approaching the station.
Attendant
The hell is that? [The cloud goes over the station. As it goes over, clips of George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech issue from within, ending with "Oscar winner, George Clooney, sexiest man alive"]
San Francisco, day. Cartman and Butters are at the city limit, having planned to rescue Kyle. Cartman puts on a pressurized suit with a long umbilical cord
Butters
Wow, Eric. You sure are a great guy for doing this.
Cartman
[puts on the gloves] I don't have a choice. Somebody has to get into San Francisco and warn Kyle's family to get out before the storm hits.
Butters
But... how come we can't just take the bus on into the city?
Cartman
You don't know San Francisco, Butters. [zips the suit up] It was the breeding ground for the hippie movement in the 60s. Those hard-core liberals, lesbian activists, and die hard modern hippies young and old. [turns around and sighs] I swore I would never set foot in San Francisco. God help me. [reaches down, picks up the helmet, and puts it on, locks it in place, and pressurizes the suit. Communication resumes through the intercom] All right, Butters, I'll be tethered to you through this cord. It's my only lifeline, so make sure it stays taut. If you stop hearing my voice, for the love of Christ, start reeling me in with all your strength.
Butters
[adjusts his headset] I will. You're really great for going to warn Kyle, Eric.
Cartman
I'm not doin' it for Kyle. [turns around] I can't believe I'm actually going to walk through San Francisco. Well, here it goes. [begins to walk slowly and deliberately into the city]
Dawson's Junkyard, day. Hybrid cars are awaiting destruction. The camera focuses on a green one, which is soon lifted away by a massive electromagnet. Inside a small room, Stan mans the controls. Mr. Mackey and Stan's parents look on as Ranger McFriendly guides Stan
Ranger McFriendly
All right. All right, now get it into the masher! Hurry up!
Stan
Can't somebody else operate this? I can't really reach.
Ranger McFriendly
Well then you shouldn't have written that gay little song, shouldn't you have?! [The green hybrid is now over the masher, and Stan releases it. Moments later, a cube of twisted green metal slides out and drops onto the ground] Keenan, we've gotten rid of half the hybrid cars! How are the smug levels?!
Keenan
They're dropping, slowly, but... but we're running out of time!
San Francisco. Cartman is now in the Haight-Ashbury district. People look and move on
Man
Yeah, it's like, San Francisco is more of a European city, like Paris or Milan.
Cartman
[checking in] Butters, are you there?!
Butters
[making sure the cord is taut] I'm here, Eric.
Cartman
I've started to enter the smug. I'm about a quarter mile in. Can you give me an EL?
Butters
[now reading a map] You must be nearing Union Square. Did you see a fountain to your left?
Cartman
Yes. It's just beyond yet another wine and cheese store.
Butters
Wait, uhh, eh take your next right. You've got to start heading west.
Cartman
Turning right at O two four niner. [turns right at the corner and continues walking]
Dawson's Junkyard, day. Stan is still manning the controls. He drops a red hybrid into the masher, and a cube of twisted red metal slides out and drops onto the ground
Randy
That's it. That's that the last one.
Ranger McFriendly
Keenan? Keenan, we've smashed the last hybrid!
Keenan
Harry, the smug from Clooney's speech is about to hit the other smug system! Get everyone inside! [the townsfolk hear the warning and run around all over the place. Keenan says softly, deeply] God help us.
Over Northeast Nevada, the speech's smug nears the supercell. From the ground, the smug is seen floating along quickly, reciting Clooney's speech. It runs into the super cell and stops talking. Immediately, lightning envelopes the super cell and spreads to San Francisco and South Park
San Francisco, under the Perfect Storm of Self-Satisfaction. Stuff begins to roll down the street on which Kyle lives. Cartman approaches his house
Cartman
Butters?! Butters, I think I'm here! 2419 Castillo?!
Butters
That's it! Eric, hurry! Somethin's goin' on out here!
The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila are thoroughly spent from the party, so they don't take notice of the storm outside. Cartman opens the door and the sound of thunder fills the house
Cartman
Mr. Broflovski! Mr. Broflovski, there a smug storm! We have to go!
Gerald
[Slowly, blissfully] Being smug is a good thing. [farts in his armchair, bends down to inhale it]
Cartman
Oh my CHRIST! [runs up to Kyle's room and kicks the door open. Kyle and Ike are as wasted as Gerald and Sheila are. They sit on the floor with their backs against Ike's bed] Kyle? Kyle!
Kyle
The acid. Dude, I'm totally tripping balls.
Ike
I'm totally tripping balls. I'm totally tripping balls.
Cartman
[trying to shake Kyle to his senses] We have to get out of here! Now! [lightning strikes the house, which begins to burn. The lights begin to flicker, and the camera zooms in on Cartman, who continues shaking Kyle] Kyle! Kyle!! [the screen goes black]
Fade in to South Park, the morning after. People begin cleaning up. The storm dealt a heavy blow to South Park
Network Anchor
And now, the worst appears to be over. Last night's smug storm... has left thousands homeless. All across the Midwest, people are picking up the pieces. Cities like Denver and South Park are heavily damaged, but still all right. However, San Francisco, I'm afraid... has disappeared completely up its own asshole.
Stan
No...
Randy
I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry your gay little song killed your friend.
Clyde
Hey! Hey, Stan! You're not gonna believe it! You've gotta come see!
Stan
What?
Clyde
It's a miracle!
Downtown South Park, day. The Broflovskis are back in town, safe and sound and glad to see everyone. Everyone marvels at their return. The Marshes arrive. Stan spots Kyle and runs up to him
Stan
Kyle!
Kyle
Hey Stan.
Stan
Dude, what happened?? [grins]
Gerald
We don't know. We were all passed out and... next thing we know we just woke up on a bus heading here.
Mr. Mackey
It's like you had a guardian angel, m'kay? [Butters looks to Cartman for any reaction. Cartman puts his left index finger to his mouth, indicating that Butters should keep his mouth shut about this]
Stan
[gives Kyle a brief hug] Dude, I'm so glad you're not dead.
Richard
So I guess there's nothing left to do now but... rebuild.
Randy
Yeah. First off, we're all gonna need new cars.
Gerald
And let's make sure nobody gets a stupid hybrid, right? [everyone seems to agree and discusses it...]
Kyle
NO! Hybrid cars are a good thing!
Mr. Mackey
But hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug, m'kay?
Kyle
Hybrid cars don't cause smugness, people do. [silent reactions all around] Look, hybrid cars are important. They may even save our planet one day. What you all need to do is just learn to drive hybrids and not be smug about it.
Randy
You mean... drive in hybrids... but not act like we're better than everyone else because of it.
Kyle
Yeah!
Randy
I'm... [puts his hands over his lower belly] I'm not ready...
Gerald
I don't think I can do it either.
Mr. Mackey
It's simply asking too much.
Randy
Perhaps... one day... we can learn to drive hybrids without being smug about it, but for now... the technology is just too much for us.
Gerald
Come on, everybody! Let's go buy wasteful gas guzzlers! [everyone likes the idea; they all disperse]
Cartman
[walks up to Kyle] Well, looks like you're back for good, huh Kyle?
Kyle
Yeah, I guess so.
Cartman
We just can't get rid of you, can we, you sneaky Jew rat!
Kyle
Don't belittle my people, you fucking fatass! [turns and walks away angry]
Cartman
Ah, that's better. [smiles]
自负警告! 结束
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