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Leftarrow 禁断之系 该屎的麻烦/剧本 麻烟风云 Rightarrow

出场角色

  • Stan
  • Kyle
  • Kenny
  • Craig
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Mrs. Testaburger
  • PC Principal and Strong Woman
  • Randy Marsh
  • Ryan Valmer
  • Mr. Hankey
  • Dr. Bender
  • Elderly Woman
  • Female lawyer
  • Girl and Mother
  • Man 1 and Woman 1
  • Man 2
  • Man 3
  • Man 4
  • Man 5
  • Woman 2
  • Jogger
  • Male Lawyer
  • Male Nurse
  • Female Nurse
  • Mayor McDaniels, her aide, and a councilwoman
  • Mr. Prewitt
  • Mr. Waithouse
  • Newscaster
  • Voice-overs
  • Apu
  • Bart

剧本

该屎的麻烦
South Park, day. The scene starts with South Park Elementary being shot up again, then the Community Center appears as two police cars rush by, then City Hall appears. The city council is in session, Mayor McDaniels presiding
Mayor McDaniels
People, it's time we faced some hard truths. The town is looking to us for answers, and all we keep doing is burying our heads. We need to cut the budget for this year's Christmas pageant.
Randy
[after a dramatic pause] My God...
Mayor McDaniels
I've asked the director of the holiday show to stop by so we can all give him the news.
Ryan
He's not going to take this well.
Councilwoman
If he doesn't, we should just let him go. God knows it's about time.
Mayor's aide
Hey, a lot of people like him, all right?
Mrs. Testaburger
Yeah, and a lot of people think he stinks.
Mayor McDaniels
Let's just get this over with. [presses down on the intercom key] All right, send him in. [the door opens and Mr. Hankey hops in.]
Mr. Hankey
Hooooowwwdy ho! You wanted to see me? Better hurry. We only have two months before Christmas.
Mayor McDaniels
Mr. Hankey, we called you in to let you know that... your Christmas Pageant funding has been cut. By half.
Mr. Hankey
What? But I can barely make a good Christmas show with what I have!
Mayor McDaniels
We just don't have the support for the Christmas show that we used to. The truth is... some people find you offensive.
Mr. Hankey
Offensive? What about me is offensive?
Councilwoman
Some people think shit isn't the best representation of Christmas.
Mr. Hankey
Yuh... you people can't do this. Christmas is the most magical time of the year.
Mayor McDaniels
The decision has already been made. Thank you, Mr. Hankey, and good luck with the show.
South Park Elementary, day. Another school shooting has occurred and the police are back to investigate. In the music room, the kids practice "Deck The Halls". The conductor taps the dais with his baton - it's Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey
Okay, stop. Kids, the song's called "Deck The Halls," not "Let's All Suck Balls." Mow, come on, kids.
Craig
Why do we have to do this now?
Cartman
Yeah, it's not even Halloween yet.
Mr. Hankey
Restoration Hardware put up their Christmas decorations two weeks ago, all right? Now listen: I didn't want this either. I wanted the Denver Symphony, but they cut my budget and I'm stuck with you. Now let's take it from the top! [taps his baton]
The hallways. PC Principal walks down the main hallway with purpose. He stops at the Vice Principal's office and turns left, steps forward, stops, sighs, then turns the doorknob and peeks in
PC Principal
Vice Principal Strong Woman?
Strong Woman
Yes, PC Principal?
PC Principal
I was seeing if there's anything you... might want to discuss with me?
Strong Woman
What would we need to discuss?!
PC Principal
I am- so sorry- that I took advantage of my position and- manipulated you into a physical encounter.
Strong Woman
Hey! I am a strong woman, all right?! I don't get manipulated! We both are guilty of an ill-advised relationship at the workplace, but that was long ago, and I have decided to move forward.
PC Principal
Are you sure we can move forward?
Strong Woman
Why not? We make a mistake, we move forward.
PC Principal
I was just thinking there might still possibly be some fallout from-
Strong Woman
Nope! We're just gonna forget about it and put it to rest.
PC Principal
You don't think there's anything else to dis- to discuss?
Strong Woman
No, I don't! Bye-bye. [PC Principal backs out and closes the door. Strong Woman lets out a sigh of relief, then stands and goes to a mirror, which reveals tears in her eyes and a big belly. She's pregnant.]
Kyle's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are pounding on the front door. Kyle answers it but doesn't invite them in.
Stan
Dude, Kyle! Dude!
Cartman
Dude!
Kyle
What?
Stan
Did you read what Mr. Hankey tweeted last night?!
Kyle
What Mr. Hankey... tweeted?
Stan
Yeah. I guess after band rehearsals he went on Twitter to talk about us.
Cartman
Look! [Cartman takes out his phone and hands it to Kyle so Kyle can see for hiimself]
Kyle
Oh. Jesus Christ, dude.
Mr. Hankey's room. He's at a sewing machine making a Santa outfit.
Mr. Hankey

Santa Claus is on his way. He's loaded goodies on his sleigh.
He'll drop them off on Christmas Day

Kyle
Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey
Oh, Kyle! Hoowwwwdy ho!
Kyle
Mr. Hankey, everyone's really mad at you. Were you on Twitter last night?
Mr. Hankey
[slowly] Yeah.
Kyle
Did you tweet "The kids of South Park are retarded homos who can't play music"?
Mr. Hankey
[more slowly] Yeah.
Kyle
Why would you tweet that?! All the kids are really pissed off!
Mr. Hankey
It was a bad attempt at a joke. I'm sorry. Will you tell the kids I didn't mean it?
Kyle
What do you want me to say?
Mr. Hankey
The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night so I took some Ambien. Do you take that stuff? It turns your brain into oatmeal. Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm. We've gotta focus on Christmas! [Kyle just looks at him]
The school gymnasium, day. PC Principal and Strong Woman stand on the basketball court facing the student assembly.
PC Principal
All right, everyone, listen up. The vice principal has asked to speak with you today. She believes it is time that we all as a school finally discussed in-vitro fertilization.
Strong Woman
That's right, kids. Many women today make the choice to have children without a man in their lives. They can have their eggs fertilized by an unknown person's sperm in a lab.
PC Principal
That's right, Strong Woman. In today's society it is wrong to just assume that a pregnant woman had intercourse with a man.
Strong Woman
[doubles over in pain] Ooohhhhhhh!
PC Principal
St-students at this school need to be careful because it can be offensive to ask questions like "Who's the father?"
Strong Woman
[doubles over in pain] Oh! Ooohhhhhhh!
PC Principal
[looks at Strong Woman, then softly] You- you all right, Strong Woman?
Strong Woman
I'm fine!
PC Principal
So-so we'd like to have all our students talk to their parents tonight about in-vitro fertilization, and after that, let's just put the whole issue behind us. [Strong Woman stands up and fluid drops to the floor from her belly. Several seconds of stunned silence follow]
Strong Woman
That's my water breaking. Not a big deal. [more fluid gushes out]
The town square. Mr. Hankey gets the Christmas stage ready
Mr. Hankey

Christmas time. It's Christmas time. Christmas time. Yeah, it's Christmas time

.
Mayor McDanniels
[appears to his right with a crowd of citizens] Hankey! [he looks up and notices the crowd] We need to talk about what you tweeted!
Mr. Hankey
Oh, I'm sooo sorry. I took Ambien two nights ago and I called the schoolkids homos.
Mayor McDanniels
No, I'm talkin gabout what you tweeted last night! [takes her phone out and reads] "The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."
Mr. Hankey
Oh-oh Jeez, did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, DO NOT take Ambien. Okay? Whew!
Mayor McDanniels
I'm afraid we have no option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council.
Mr. Hankey
Fire me? Nonono, please. I-I'm really sorry. [the crowd turns and leaves] No, no wait! Wait, please give me another chance! Don't do this! What about Christmas? [croops in defeat]
South Park, day. A large sign announcing Mr. Hankey's Holiday Pageant greats the visitor upon arriviing in town. A car speeds out of town
PC Principal
[in theh passenger seat] It's okay. We'll be at the hospital soon. Just keep breathing.
Strong Woman
[driving, despite her condition] I didn't need your help!
PC Principal
I'm just a co-worker helping another co-worker in need.
Strong Woman
Yeah, well, people might get the wrong idea! I have worked my whole life to be the strongest woman possible, a person little girls could look up to. If those girls thought I was the type to get knocked up by my boss-
PC Principal
I certinly do not want to put an pressures on you as a female, but at times I wonder if there is more we should discuss.
Strong Woman
There's nothing to discuss! I made a mistake ndn I am MOVING FORWARD!
The law offices of Mayer, Schulz, and Tate, day.
Mr. Hankey
My civil rights are under sttack. They can't just fire me from the Christmas show! The whole thingis my creation!
Male Lawyer
Uh, last night you tweeted "The city council can suck my Mexican dick."
Mr. Hankey
It was a joke. Look at me! I don't even have a dick! Get it? [no reaction from the lawyers] Okay, okay, look, I know: it wasn't a good joke. But it really wasn't my fault. The fact is, I went home last night and I was angry. I couldn't sleep, so I took some Ambien. And then I started tweeting. Ambien messes with my head. You ever take that crap?
Female lawyer
You want us to take this up against Ambien? They have the best lawyers in the world.
Mr. Hankey
Well, I thought maybe I could get them in a defecation lawsuit. [he is quickly kicked out] Rrrgh!
J. Prewiit law office, later. Mr. Hankey is seated at the lawyer's desk and speaks to him
Mr. Hankey
And I never ever would have said those things about the city councel, but the Ambien makes me kind of black out.
Mr. Prewitt
I'm sorry, sir, but we don't represent pieces of shit.
Mr. Hankey
Why not? [he is quickly kicked out] Rrrgh!
Gerald's law office, later. He's talking to Gerald about suing Ambien
Mr. Hankey
And I just thought maybe we could convince the city council to hire me back.
Gerald
Look, I'm sorry, but I learned a long time ago that if you defend poop, you get stained. [he is quickly kicked out. This time he just sits on the step and mopes]
Kyle
Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey
Oh, Kyle. [sadly] Howwwdy ho.
Kyle
What are you doing here?
Mr. Hankey
Just tryin' to find some help. There isn't a lawyer in town who will take me. Wait a minute... You! Yo're the son of a lawyer. You have lawyer blood inside your veins! You can help me with my defecation lawsuit, Kyle!
Kyle
Me? What can I do?
Mr. Hankey
Please, Kyle. You're the only person left who can help me. You and me, pal, we are gonna fight the system!
Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Strong Woman and PC Principal have arrived at the hospital
Voice-over
Paging Dr. Bender.
Dr. Bender
Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies with no epidural. I must say, she's a very strong woman.
PC Principal
That she is.
Dr. Bender
The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away. [they stop by the maternity ward and look in] There are her babies, right there.
PC Principal
Oh, dude. Bro.
Dr. Bender
Yes, cute ittle buggers, aren't they? Three boys nd two girls.
PC Principal
I think it's wrong to force gender specification upoon them at this young age.
Dr. Bender
Funny. That's exactly what their mother said. [turns to face him] The quints are all Caucasian, blue-eyed, and something kind of weird.
PC Principal
What's that?
Dr. Bender
Well, the babies are all extremely PC, the likes of which I have never seen. Watch this. [walks to the intercom and presses the mic] Three black guys walk into a bar. [the newborns immediately start crying.] It's okay! It's okay! They left! They left! [the babies stop crying]
PC Principal
Doctor, would it be possible for me to... hold the PC babies?
Dr. Bender
Oh I'm sorry. That's only for the mother and father. Though, ccording tot he vice principal, the father doesn't even exist. [PC Principal wilts]
The neighborhood playground, day. The boys are shooting hoops without Kyle. Cartman shoots, but it's an air ball
Kyle
[runs up] You guys! Hey guys! Ithink I figured it out.
Kenny
(What?)
Kyle
How to get Mr. Hankey another chance. [no reaction from the boys] There's by-laws in the city council that community service leaders can't be terminated without a hearing. I need you guys there as character witnesses.
Stan
Nnnope.
Cartman
Not getting thet stink on me.
Kyle
He has a right to be heard. He's meant a lot to this town.
Stan
Dude, why do you keep defending him, Kyle?
Cartman
Yeah. You know everyone in town thinnks he's a piece of shit.
Kyle
Come on, guys. We can't just turn our backs. How many times has Mr. Hankey been there for us?
Stan
Mmmm. Once, kind of?
Kyle
Look, he messed up, but I don't know if he deserves everything that's coming down on him. I wann stand by my friend.
Cartman
Mm, let's see how that goes for you in 2018. [the boys turn away and resume playing]
Strong Woman's recovery room, later. PC Principal peeks inside, then goes in and closes the door and walks up to her bed
PC Principal
Vice Principal?
Strong Woman
My babies! Where are they?
PC Principal
Shh it's okay. The babies are fine, reseting in the nursery. They're the most... [voice cracking] they're the most PC bbies I've ever seen.
Strong Woman
You shouldn't be here! People will start getting suspicious!
PC Principal
Look I was the one who abused my position and took advantage of a subordinate-
Strong Woman
Nobody took advantage of me!
PC Principal
N-Not took advantage. You know what I'm saying.
Strong Woman
And I'm a strong woman!
PC Principal
All I want to do is help. We can say I'm the manny. And if anyone has a problem with that, then they have a problem with gender biases, and they can take it up with me! We can keep the truth about the babies totally hidden. [the door opens and three nurses walk in holding the babies. The parents notice this]
Strong Woman
Oh yes, that curriculum should be fine for the students. I'll start working on an all-school proposal.
PC Principal
Oh yes, very good, Vice Principal. See that it is done by back to school night.
Female Nurse
A-hall right, Mommy! Your little bundles of joy are here. Oh! And who's this?
PC Principal
I am the manny. Anyone have a problem with that?
Female Nurse
No, not at all.
Male Nurse
Everything good here? [the babies strt crying. He looks around, then at his shirt, which has an image of Speedy Gonzales on it.] Aw! Are these PC babies?
Park County Courthhose, day. The Mr. Hankey Hearing is being televised.
Voice-over
And nnow, live from the town courthouse, it's the Hankey Hearing on South Park 13. [inside, Kyle gets his papers ready as the courtroom audience takes its seats]
Mr. Waithouse
Mr. Hankey- [Mr. Hankey sniffles] Fourteen hours ago did you or did you not say "everyone in South Park is a Goddamend douchebag"?
Mr. Hankey
Y-es. That was a bad attempt at a Christmas joke.
Mr. Waithouse
But there's nothing in that statement about Christmas.
Mr. Hankey
That's what I said: it was a bad attempt.
Mr. Waithouse
What part of the statement was actually-
Mr. Hankey
You wanna hear a good Christmas joke?
Mr. Waithouse
In 2005 you said- [Mr. Hankey sniffles] You said that you had no recollection of a- [Mr. Hankey sniffles]
Mr. Hankey
Sorry, I got the sniffles.
Mr. Waithouse
Mr Hankey, do you understand how important these statements are to the citizens of this town?
Mr. Hankey
All I understand is it's only eight weeks until Christmas! If we don't stop wasting our time, we're all gonna miss out on the most magical part of the whole year!
Mr. Waithouse
What diid you mean lsat night when you tweeted, "The Myaor of South Park is a titless whore"? [Kyle's jaw drops and his head falls forward on the table]
Mr. Hankey
Oh, come on! It was a joke! That's it! That's it, I've had enough of this whole fucking sham! Fuck all you and fuck this whole system! It's Christmastime!! [leaves his chair]
Foor 4 Little, day. Strong Woman is out of the hospital and shopping with three of the quints
Strong Woman
It's okay. Shhh. We just need to get some diapers. Shhh.
Elderly Woman
[passing by] Ohhh, what adorable little babies.
Strong Woman
Thank you.
Elderly Woman
[getting a closer look] My, they look very PC.
Strong Woman
Oh no, no, they're not very PC at all.
Man 1
Awww, look at the PC babies!
Strong Woman
They actually aren't PC.
Man
No? [squats down and tells the babies] Did you hear Monica Lewinsky's becoming Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. [the babies cry, the adults laugh]
Strong Woman
Oh God, shhhh, nonononono. Sheee.
PC Principal
[arrives with the other two infants] Is everything all right?
Man 1
Oh Look! More PC babies!
Woman 1
They're everywhere!
Strong Woman
I told you we need to shop separately! Sh! Shhh!
Man 2
[stops by] Excuse me, where's the Oriental food aisle? [the babies cry harder]
Man 1
Shhh! Quiet! There's PC babies!
Denny's, day. Kyle is at a booth with Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey
Gee whiz. Thanks for comin' out with me, Kyle. [a waitier walks by behind them and stares at Mr. Hankey] These days, it's like you're my only friend. [Kyle looks up and notices soem boys looking at him. Next shot shows Clyde, Craig, Tweek, and Token at a window booth looking back at Kyle and Mr. Hankey. Kyle looks dismayed] So what's the plan, huh? What you got figured out to get my job back?
Kyle
I had a plan. You decided to call the Mayor a titless whore!
Mr. Hankey
[laughs it off] Oh, it was a joke, Kyle. Sometimes, when I take Ambien, I'm really groggy and moody the next day. It's a real side effect. It's printed right on the bottle.
Kyle
[growls] I don't know how much longer I can defend you. People are strting to think I'm shitty.
Mr. Hankey
Kyle, don't you understand this whole thing is a smear campaign? Whyy are people focusing on a few stupid words I said when Christmas is just around the corner?! It's like everyone's forgot about what Christmas means! [brightens up and gasps] Oh my God! Kyle, that's it! The holiday spirit!
Kyle
It's October!
Mr. Hankey
And that's the point! Don't you see? What we need to do is get everyone in the Christmas mopd! We can bring the whole spirit of the holidays early!
Kyle
[looks away] Okay, you do htat.
Mr. Hankey
Nonono. Kyle, you gotta help me! I can't do this alone!
Kyle
I have homework and stuff!
Mr. Hankey
You're all I have! Even my wife left with the nuggets 'cuase of all the pressure! Please!
Kyle
Okay, fine! I'll help you. But listen to me: I don't care how restless you get tonight, NO AMBIEN!
Mr. Hankey
Well, maybe just a liddle if I really can't sleep.
Kyle
No! None! If you want my help this time, you aren't taking any Ambien tonight. That's the deal!
Mr. Hankey
Yay! It's a deal! Oh boy, Kyle, I'm so excited! We're gonna bring the spirit of Christmas to South Park!
The neighborhood park, day. PC Principal and Strong Woman take the quints out for a stroll
Jogger
Oho, look at the little PC babies!
PC Principal
Oh, no, we're from uh, Missouri.
Jogger
I know a PC baby when I see one! [to the babies, cooing] Who loves social justice? Who's the future? Who's the big bad future? Yes they are. [one of the quints giggles]
Woman 2
Ohh, PC babies!
PC Principal
All right, please move along, folks. We dont want the babies to get excited. [a synthesizer begins to play, and everyone within earshot of it stops to listen]
Mr. Hankey
Helloooo South Park! Come on, everybody! Get over here! [Craig, Clyde, Tweek, and Token exit the Halloween Outlet store with their cosumes] Who wants to see a miracle?! Howwwdy ho, everyone! Guess what time it is? It's Christmastime! [fireworks go off as citizens gather at the town square]
All
Oohhhhh!
Mr. Hankey

Deck the halls and trim the trees, Christmas time is here.
Gonna sing and flush our worries away. It's the best time of the year

That's right, everybody! Who loves the holidays? [all cheer] Just like when Christ was born, let's all be with our mothers and fathers and- [the PC babies begin to cry] Let's not forget that, that boys and girls all over the world are

Man 3
Hey! Hey, caareful! You're upsetting the PC babies!
Mr. Hankey
The PC what-Listen! Christmas season means peace on earth and good will towards men! [the crying continues] All right, all right look, what, what is the holiday season about? It's about loving each other, right? Loving and- [getting exasperated] What?! What are they rying about now?!
Man 4
Sometimes PC babiess don't even know what they're crying about.
Mr. Hankey
Well, then tell the babies to shut the fuck up! [the crowd turns on him] Who the fuck brings a Goddamned baby to a Christmas show, anyway?!
Kyle
[leaps away from the keyboard and grabs Mr. Hankey] Mr. Hankey, stop!
Mr. Hankey
Lemme go, Kyle! These people are idiots! [proceeds to beat up Kyle and wreck the stage. The crowd disperses]
Downtown South Park. Kyle walks down the street battered from the beatdown Mr. Hankey gave him
Girl
Mommy, something stinks. [they stop to look at Kyle]
Mother
Yeah, like shit. [takes her daughter's hand and moves on. A shopkeeper shuts his door as Kyle walks by]
Man 5
[drives by and honks] You stand up for all pieces of crap?! Asshole!
The neighborhood park, moments later. Kyle walks by with his head down. His friends stop playing to look at hiim. He looks back
Cartman
Uh huh! 2018. [they turn and walk away as Kyle moves on. Further on, he sees Mr. Hankey and stops]
Mr. Hankey
Kyle, listen. It was 3 a.m. last night and I still hadn't slept, so I de- [Kyle ignores him and walks on] Kyle? Kyle, please! They're gonna run me out of town, Kyle! They're going to erase me and everything I ever did.
Kyle
[turns around] You want them to erase me, too?
Mr. Hankey
Kyle, we can all be shitty sometimes.
Kyle
Uh... [sighs a few times, then turns away with nothing to say and walks off]
Strong Woman's office, night. The babies are put to sleep
PC Principal
They're so strong, like their mother.
Strong Woman
They're so PC, like... whoever their father is. [PC looks at her] We'll never keep them quiet. Our only hope is to keep them hidden. [closes the office door]
PC Principal
Can they ever know that I'm their dad?
Strong Woman
We did the most un-PC thing imaginable. Think about what that would do to them. We can never let them know the debaucherous, sickening circumstances that brought them into this world.
PC Principal
Then I'll just try to be the best principal to them that I possibly can.
Strong Woman
And I'll be their strongest vice principal, and hopefully... the world will calm down and not do anything to upset them.
South Park news.
Newscaster
Today... South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey. The longtime union of this town and the holidy figure... is over for good. We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop. [next scene is Kyle walkiing out of town as the residents look on]
Mr. Hankey
Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.
Mayor McDaniels
No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.
Mr. Hankey
A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.
Mayor McDaniels
[opens the back door for him, then coldly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey. [he hops in and she closes the door. The car pulls away]
Stan
Where will he go?
Randy
He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.
Springfield, day. Mr. Hankey hops into the town square, which is filled with Springfield residents, including the Simpsons
Mr. Hankey
Hoowwwwdy ho!
Bart
Cool man, talking crap.
Apu
Welcome, my friend. Please, rest your weary feet and make yourself at home here.
All
Hooray!
#cancelthesimpsons
该屎的麻烦 结束
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