隆鼻手术/剧本

梗概

冷知识

图册

剧本

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撒旦之子达米安

隆鼻手术/剧本

机甲史翠珊

出场角色

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Mr. Garrison
• Mr. Hat
• Photo Dojo Photographer
• Ms. Ellen
• Principal Victoria
• Wendy Testaburger
• Bebe Stevens
• Clyde Donovan
• Tom
• Hakeem Korashki
• Iraqis
• Mrs. Campbell
• Chef
• Female Singer

剧本

隆鼻手术
	South Park Elementary, the classroom.
Wendy	Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day.
Stan	I know.
Wendy	Maybe we should go on a cruise or something.
	Some sentimental music plays.
Stan	I can't afford a cruise, dude.
Wendy	I know, but...we can make a little boat out of cardboard and pretend it's a cruise.
	Cartman roars with hysterical laughter.
Stan	Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman	[still laughing] That is so-ho lame!
	He settles down and wipes away some tears of joy.
Cartman	Oh man, I...
Wendy	-and then we can dress up in little costumes and pretend we're getting married.
	Cartman is roaring with laughter once again and falls off his chair.
Cartman	Stop, seriously; you're killing me all the time.
Principal Victoria	[Rushing in.] Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery.
	The class erupts in cheers.
Principal Victoria	So you're going to have a substitute teacher.
	The class sighs.
Principal Victoria	And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison.
	Kyle raises his hand.
Principal Victoria	Yes, little boy?
Kyle	We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.
Principal Victoria	...Oh. Anywho, I want you all to meet your new substitute, Ms. Ellen.
	She enters and stands before the class.
Ms. Ellen	[Brightly.] Hello, children.
	The boys perk up.
Stan, Kyle	Whoa!
Cartman	[Slowly.] Wow, she's pretty.
Kenny	(Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
Stan	You can say that again.
Kenny	(Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
Principal Victoria	Good luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control, just use this tear gas, okay.
	Principal Victoria places it next to the apple.
Ms. Ellen	Thank you! I'm sure I'll be fine.
	The boys get dreamy and smile big, even Kenny.
Ms. Ellen	Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery,
	The boys are in love.
Ms. Ellen	...but I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us.
	Wendy starts to notice.
Wendy	[Gasps.] Stan? Stan?!
Ms. Ellen	Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments. You arrre Eric...Cartman?
Cartman	[Brightly.] Yes, ma'am.
Ms. Ellen	Okay aaand you must be Stan Marsh.
Stan	Yeu-bluuuch.
	Wendy is taken aback. Stan has barfed only for her before.
Ms. Ellen	[A moment later.] Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?
Cartman	Noh, he always pukes when he's in love.
Stan	I'll kick your ass, Cartman!
	Wendy is sad.
Ms. Ellen	So you're alright?
Stan	Bluuuch.
	Wendy looks forward, wondering why...
Kyle	Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?!
	Tom's Rhinoplasty
Mr. Garrison	Oh, I have to admit I'm still embarrassed about getting a nose job, Tom. I didn't want people at school to know, so I told them I had herpes.
Tom	You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. Garrison. People have cosmetic surgery all the time. Before we start, this computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want.
	Tom touches the screen, and Mr. Garrison's face pops up, then a side view emerges.
Mr. Garrison	Wow! Isn't that amazing Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat	It sure is, Mr. Garrison!
Tom	Now, we could go with something a little smaller, which would make you look like this.
	The nose on his image is shrunk.
Mr. Garrison	Hmmm.
Tom	Or we could straighten out the bridge, which would make you look like this.
	The nose is straightened.
Mr. Garrison	Oh, that's not bad.
Tom	Of course, we could narrow the bridge, which would make you look more like this.
	The nose is narrowed, at which point an image of David Hasselhoff appears. A flourish is added for effect.
Mr. Garrison	WOW! That's it! That's the nose I want!
Tom	Alright-y then.
	Tom resets the program. The computer turns itself off.
Tom	Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. You could wind up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that you're forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at nighttime for scraps of food.
Mr. Garrison	I can live with that.
Tom	[Excitedly.] Alrighty then, let's get started!
	They go off to the operating room.
	The school playground. The kids are at play. The boys stand before the jungle gym.
Cartman	She wasn't looking at you, butt-lord, she was looking at me!
Kyle	Well that goes without saying, fat-ass, how could she help but look at you!
Stan	You guy can stop fighting. It was me she was checking out!
Cartman	Until you puked on her.
Chef	[Approaching.] Hello there, children! What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?
Kyle	Ms. Ellen, dude! She's beautiful!
	Wendy looks at him from the swings, then looks down.
Chef	Is she like uh - Vanessa Williams beautiful or-uh Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? ...Or - is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?
Stan	Yeah, that one!
Chef	Wooof! I've got to meet this woman.
Wendy	[Approaching.] Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?
Stan	No.
Wendy	Well it is!
Chef	That's okay. You know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other...
Kenny	(Yeah, they totally kick ass at spanking!)
Chef	Thaat's right!
Wendy	Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it?
Chef	That's okay. you know what they say about women with the mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of it...
	Kenny looks up at Chef and simply shrugs.
Wendy	[Panicking a little.] Stan? We're still Valentines, right?
Stan	Sure, Wendy, whatever.
Kyle	Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents
	He turns right and starts walking away.
Stan	Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight!
	Stan follows him out.
Cartman	I'm gonna buy a vacuum cleaner, chicks like vacuum cleaners
	Cartman's voice trails off as he follows his friends away. Chef leaves as well, Wendy takes a step to go with them, but stops and ponders her relationship with Stan. A tear wells up in her eye, then falls as she sniffs.
Female singer	I remember when we were still in love The moments that we shared were timeless. Saw it in the wind, knew it in a glance, the songs we sang were simple reminders.
(Montage)	[Moments from Wendy's time with Stan, Part I (he throws up every time)] Stark's Pond: she comes up behind him and says, "Hi, Stan" Stark's Pond: she asks him to come with her (to get Cartman) Cafeteria: she hands him a note (an invitation to Stark's Pond) Cemetery: amid a field of dead zombies, she puckers up Classroom: she hands him a daisy (he throws up with every step she takes)
Female singer	I can't stop now [Wendy is sobbing somewhat] My heart's awake I feel your arms My arms to take I must have changed...
(Montage)	[Moments from Wendy's time with Stan, Part II (he throws up every time)] A vivid sunset: she snuggles up to him on the limb of a tree Football practice: she cheers him on, he throws up, she looks away for an instant, and Cartman tackles him. Where's his helmet? Cafeteria: he throws up as she approaches; she slips in it and falls flat on her back Playground: Stan and Kyle are working those hobby elephants furiously when Wendy and Bebe approach (he threw up on her three times) Woods: Stan and Wendy pucker up to kiss (after they got Ike back)
Female singer	...Even when love is the same. [Wendy sheds another tear, then turns left and walks away]
	Classroom. Ms. Ellen is writing away on the blackboard. The boys are smiling broadly. The camera zooms in on the reason why. Ms. Ellen stops writing, but the boys are still smiling.
Ms. Ellen	Oohhh, goodness. Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?
Cartman	[Eagerly.] Memememememe, me!
Bebe	You guys are so immature! Act like eight-year olds!
Ms. Ellen	Stan, how about you?
Stan	Bluuch! I'd love to.
	Wendy turns angry.
Ms. Ellen	Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables.
	Cartman raises his hand.
Ms. Ellen	Cartman?
Cartman	What's a multiplication table?
Ms. Ellen	Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?
	The class stares back. Kevin slowly shakes his head.
Ms. Ellen	Well, where did he leave off?
Cartman	We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is going out with that...Richard Grieco guy that used to be on 21 Jump Street but then he got his own show for just a little while-
	The door opens and Chef appears. The class looks at him.
Chef	Oh, hello.
Ms. Ellen	Can I help you?
Chef	[Eyebrows aflutter.] I'm Chef.
Ms. Ellen	Aand?
Chef	I just uuuh - I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundry detergent on the playground.
Kyle	My laundry detergent?
Stan	That's not Kyle's...
Chef	Sshh. Crazy cracker's always leavin' that detergent all over the place.
	Drops off a box of "Whitey's Washing Detergent" on Kyle's desk, then walks over to Ms. Ellen.
Chef	What was your name again?
Cartman	Uh-oh. Chef's moving in on Ms. Ellen.
Ms. Ellen	I'mm the substitute.
Chef	Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you.
Ms. Ellen	That's very nice, Mr. Chef, now, if you're...finished-
Chef (falsetto)	[Music starts and he starts to sway] Nobody could take your place No way they could match your face, no You've got it going on in a way so clear, I just want to buy you a beer... Uh maybe tonight, at 7:30 or something I could uh - come by and uh - Pick you up in my caa-a-aaaa-aa-aa-aa-aaar (No substitute) No substitute for you (No substitute) No, baby, there's (No substitute) For you girl (No substitute) for you now You know that it's true (No substitute) There's just, no substitute for You!
Stan	We've got to learn how to do that, dude!
Kyle	Yup!
Ms. Ellen	That was enthralling, Mr. Chef, but...could I get back to teaching now?
Chef	If we can have dinner tonight.
Ms. Ellen	Fine, Chef. [He grins.] Just let me do my job before I get fired.
Cartman	Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!
Ms. Ellen	Wwhat?!
	Tom's Rhinoplasty. Mr. Garrison comes to, but his head is still in bandages.
Tom	Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison	Where-eh, where am I?
Tom	The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison	Uuf, I feel weak. How do I look?
Tom	You look great!
Mr. Garrison	Ah-I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom	Yes? Well, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage...
Mr. Garrison	Aauugh-huh.
Tom	...all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart.
	Starts making sound effects of tearing flesh.
Mr. Garrison	UUUUUuuuuuugh
Tom	By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
	Mr. Garrison pops up and turns to the side of the bed.
Mr. Garrison	Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!
Tom	I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest.
	Mr. Garrison lies down.
Tom	I'll check on you a little later.
	Tom walks out.
Mr. Garrison	Wuch, uch. Boy I had to see the entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!
	Classroom. The school bell has rung and the kids are leaving
Ms. Ellen	Okay, kids, remember your homework. We have a lot of catching-up to do.
Cartman	[Enunciating.] Good-bye, Ms. Ellen.
Kyle	[Looks back.] Stop kissing ass, Cartman!
Cartman	I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!
	The students all exit, except Wendy.
Wendy	Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen	Of course, Wendy.
	Wendy sits next to the teacher's desk.
Wendy	I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
Ms. Ellen	Ohhh. Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
Wendy	Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen	Of course, Wendy.
	They reach out towards each other. Wendy angrily flips her off.
Wendy	Don't fuck with me!
Ms. Ellen	[Stunned.] Wha?
Wendy	You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup your sorry little ass back to last year!
	Ms. Ellen is shocked. Wendy drops from the chair and leaves.
Wendy	[Sweetly.] Bye, Ms. Ellen.
	Day two, the classroom.
Ms. Ellen	Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children for the presents you got me.
	A pile of gifts sits on the teacher's desk. Smiles flash onto the boys' faces. She opens the first gift.
Ms. Ellen	Ohhh. What a delightful scarf. Thank you, Kyle.
	He's dancing blissfully in his sea.
Stan	[Feigning clearing his throat.] Pf-looser gift, pf-looser gift.
Ms. Ellen	And here's one from Kenny. [She opens it.] Oh, thank you very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious-looking sausage.
	He laughs, sure that she got the hint.
Ms. Ellen	Oh, and what a nice alarm clock. Thank you, Stan.
Stan	Bluuch.
	Losing patience, Wendy thumps her desk and glares at him.
Ms. Ellen	And here's another present...from Wendy. [She opens it.] Oh. Why, it's a dead animal.
	Holds it up for all to see.
Ms. Ellen	Thank you, Wendy.
	Wendy is now irate that Ms. Ellen didn't fold.
Stan	See? She liked my present the best!
Kyle	Where's your present, Cartman?
Cartman	Oh, well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but uuuuh-I left it at home.
	The left corner of his mouth tells a different story.
Ms. Ellen	Okay, kids. We're gonna take a spelling test now. [All gasp.] But as an extra incentive I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner.
	The boys except Cartman perk up.
Cartman	Oh, man, I wish I knew how to spell.
Ms. Ellen	Are there any questions before we begin?
	Wendy raises her hand.
Ms. Ellen	Yes, Wendy?
Wendy	When someone gets as old as you,
	Cartman takes a bite out of the chocolate pie.
Wendy	Do they have to wear Depends undergarments?
	Ms. Ellen looks dismayed. Wendy just looks back.
	The Cafeteria. The boys are in line for lunch
Kyle	Dude! I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!
Stan	No you're not! I don't think I missed any!
	Wendy approaches with Bebe, both carrying their lunches.
Wendy	Hi, Stan.
Stan	I bet I scored 100!
Wendy	HI, STAN!
Stan	Oh, hi, Wendy.
Wendy	I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen.
Kyle	No, she wasn't!
Wendy	Yes, she was!
Stan	That's impossible!
Wendy	Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!
Cartman	Nuh-uh!
Wendy	It smells like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!
Kyle	Oh cool.
Cartman	Hey Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing!
Kyle	Yeah. You're acting like a freak, Wendy.
Wendy	NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAK!!!
	She realizes she has made a spectacle of herself as her voice echoes all over the room. Everyone in the cafetera looks at her. She moves away, humbled. Bebe follows.
Cartman	Damn, man, someone's got to pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass.
	They go in to get their lunches.
Chef	[Somberly.] Hello there, children.
Cartman	Oh, hi, Chef.
Kyle	How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?
Chef	Not too good.
Stan	What happened? Didn't you make sweet love to her?
Chef	No, nono, she's not like that. You see... uh, how do I put this? Children,... Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team.
	They wait...
Chef	Ih-ih-ih-in in other words, children, she's not a member of the...heterosexual persuasion.
	They just blink at him.
Chef	Don't you understand? She's a lesbian.
Stan	A whatbian?
Kyle	A plebeian?
Chef	You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
Stan	Kenny?
	Kenny throws his palms up. He doesn't know, either.
Stan	No, explain it to us, Chef.
Chef	Hud-that-that's okay. Uhd-uh, look. All you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
Stan	Oh.
Chef	Now move along, children, you're holding up the line!
	They head back into the cafeteria.
Kyle	Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?
Stan	Hey, man. If she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians, too!
Kyle	Hey, yeah!
Cartman	You guys. Ya know what? My grandma was Dutch Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian - that makes me quarter-lesbian.
Stan	You're just saying that, Cartman.
Kyle	Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fat-ass.
Cartman	I am, too!
	Tom's Rhinoplasty
Tom	Okay, only a few more bandages to go.
Mr. Garrison	Well?
Tom	Take a look for yourself.
	Mr. Garrison takes the mirror and sees a reflection of himself - as David Hasselhoff. He will look this way from now on.
Mr. Garrison	Wwooww, that's a pretty good nose job. What do you think, Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat	I think it looks great.
Tom	Yes. I think once the swelling goes down you'll really notice the difference.
	Cartman's house, after school. He's on the living room floor licking the carpet. His friends enter.
Stan	What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman	My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet.
Kyle	Really?
Stan	Well I got a...Indi-glo...Girls CD. The guy at the record store said it was perfect.
	He pops the CD into the stereo.
Kyle	And I got these killer Birken-stocks.
	Stan and Kyle promptly join Cartman on the floor. Kenny studies them for a moment, drops down and thinks a bit, then starts licking.
Indiglo Girls singer	I woke up very early one Sunday morn...
Cartman	This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!
	Sidewalk. The camera focuses on a pair of feet as they begin to move. The camera pans up to reveal Mr. Garrison walking down the street to the beat of Andy Gibb's Shadow Dancing. He stops by a woman in a yellow blouse and red skirt.
Mr. Garrison	Hi, Mrs. Campbell.
Mrs. Campbell	[Breathlessly.] Oh, How-dy Mr. Garrison. Se-hey, honey, you look kinda differe-hent-huh.
Mr. Garrison	Really?
Mrs. Campbell	Did you get a haircut?
Mr. Garrison	No, but thanks for asking.
	He moves down the street.
Mrs. Campbell	[Waving at him.] Call me! I'm in the book!
Mr. Garrison	Wow, Mr. Hat. Having a nose job is even better than I thought. There's a whole world of opportunity opening up in front of us.
	Wendy's house. Bebe is at the door
Wendy	Thanks for coming over, Bebe.
	She follows Wendy to the sofa.
Bebe	That's okay, Wendy. I brought my makeup kit like you asked me. What are we doing, anyway?
Wendy	That mean old substitute isn't going to stop until she takes everything from me, Bebe.
Bebe	Really?
Wendy	Yeah. What I'd really like to do is load her into a rocket and have her shoot into the center of the sun. But instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me again. Bebe, I need a makeover.
Bebe	Oh, cool.
	Day three, the classroom.
Stan	I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am.
Cartman	I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
Stan	No, you're a fatter lesbian than me.
Kyle	Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!
Clyde	Whoa.
	All eyes look right.
Clyde	Is that Wendy Testaburger?
	Heads turn. Cartman smiles, Wendy had a makeover all right. She comes in dressed in a two-piece leather suit, blush, eyeshadow... A (candy?) cigarette hangs from her lips and her hair is feathered out. She walks in with an air of sophistication and then takes out the cigarette. A smoky tune plays as she enters. The guys in class are rather pleased at this makeover.
Wendy	Hi guys, what's up?
Cartman	Wow. Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease, Elton John.
	Stan smiles and his eyes follow her to her desk.
Stan	Wow. Hi, Wendy.
Wendy	Oh. Hi, Stan.
	She turns to Bebe and whispers.
Wendy	I think it worked, Bebe.
Bebe	[Pleased.] Yeah.
Ms. Ellen	Good morning, children.
	She, too, comes in wearing a two-piece leather suit.
Stan	Wow!
	Wendy and Bebe are devastated.
Cartman	Dang! That's nice!
Kyle	Yeah!
Ms. Ellen	Oh, Wendy! You wore black leather, too!
	Wendy is mortified.
Ms. Ellen	We're like sisters!
Wendy	DIE!!
	Stan rests his head on his hands and melts into a wavy smile while Cartman is overjoyed.
Ms. Ellen	All right, kids, I've finished grading your papers and the person with the highest score is-
Mr. Garrison	Hello there, children!
	Shadow Dancing starts up again and he dances. The class just looks at him.
Stan	Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back.
Cartman	Oh, weak, dude!
Wendy	Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison!
	Triumphal music plays as she leaps out of her desk and somersaults her way to the teacher's desk. She lands next to Ms. Ellen, she starts doing a little cheer.
Wendy	He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back! So loong, substitute. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, now.
Mr. Garrison	Children, I have a very important announcement to make.
	The class listens.
Mr. Garrison	I'm quitting my job as a teacher.
	All gasp and the music dies.
Wendy	Wwhat?
Mr. Garrison	It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching, and do what I've always dreamed of doing: hang out and screw hot chicks.
Wendy	You...you can't.
Mr. Garrison	But the good news is,
	Principal Victoria appears at the door.
Mr. Garrison	I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher.
	Stan smiles.
Class	Hooray!
	Wendy is deflated again.
Ms. Ellen	Really?
Principal Victoria	That's right. Will you stay?
Ms. Ellen	Wel...sure!
	Wendy can barely contain herself.
Wendy	Noooo! Noooo!
Ms. Ellen	Oh. By the way, kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me...is...Stan.
Stan	Bluuch. Kick ass!
Wendy	Nooo!! Nooo!!
Principal Victoria	Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in the office: your grandma just died.
Wendy	AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Principal Victoria	Oh, my! What an exciting day!
	Mr. Garrison is in a photo shoot, posing away as Shadow Dancing plays.
Photographer	Great, baby, you're looking great!
Mr. Garrison	I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat	You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Photographer	Okay, just a few hundred more shots and we'll be done!
Mr. Garrison	A few hundred?
Photographer	Hey, that's the life of a model, baby.
Mr. Garrison	Hoh, boy, I'm gonna need some more smack.
Photographer	You've got it! [The photo-shoot continues.]
	Dinner at King Jimmy's Buffet. Stan and Ms. Ellen are at a booth. Dinner music is playing while thunder rolls by.
Ms. Ellen	I'm - very - glad we can have dinner together, Stanley. I want you to know that I really care about your education.
Stan	Are we making love now?
Ms. Ellen	Excuse me?
Stan	They don't have a fireplace here; we shouldn't be making love yet.
Ms. Ellen	What are you talking about?
Stan	You have to make love down by the fire, that's what Chef always says.
Ms. Ellen	Stan, I'm your teacher, okay? We're only friends.
Stan	But why?
Ms. Ellen	Well first of all, you're eight.
Stan	It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?
Ms. Ellen	Oh boy.
	Wendy stands outside the restaurant looking at the pair through a window clear across the room. The music takes on a somber tone.
Wendy	It's over. I give up.
	She turns and walks away.
	Day four, the center of town. Mr. Garrsion leans against a mailbox.
Mr. Garrison	Boy I'll tell you something Mr. Hat. Being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring.
Mr. Hat	You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
	A crowd of women is heard coming Garrison's way.
Mr. Garrison	What the...?
	The women appear and mob Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison	Whoa-hey-way-wait-aaah.
	They rip open his shirt.
Mr. Garrison	Aaaah. Mr. Hat! Save yourself!
	Mr. Hat flies out of the fray.
	The classroom. Students are filing in and going to their seats
Kyle	So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?
Cartman	Did you make love?
Stan	I think so.
Cartman	No way!
Stan	Yup.
Kyle	Down by the fire?
Stan	Yup.
Kenny	(And did you stick it in right when the fireplace gave you the shadow light?)
Stan	Did I what?
	Ms. Ellen enters.
Ms. Ellen	Good morning, children.
	Wendy approaches subdued.
Wendy	Ms. Ellen. Can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen	Sure, but...can't it wait until after class, Wendy?
Wendy	No. I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting.
Ms. Ellen	Oh, that's okay, Wendy.
Wendy	No, it's not. Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends.
Ms. Ellen	Well, I would love that, Wendy.
Wendy	And - ahem - I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong,
	Stan frowns. Sad music plays.
Wendy	...and I've learned from it.
	Her eyes begin to well up with tears.
Wendy	I just wish...Stan, and Ms. Ellen, would have all the happiness in the world.
Ms. Ellen	Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!
Cartman	That's not what we just heard!
	The sidewalk. Mr. Garrison is next to a trash can. His shirt and pants are torn to bits. The top of Mr. Hat's hat is missing.
Mr. Garrison	Hoh Mr. Hat, I hate this! I wish I'd never had a nose job.
	The women find him and rush towards him.
Woman	Oh my God, did he...?
Mr. Garrison	Damn this beautiful face of mine! Damn it to hell!!
	He pants.
Mr. Garrison	We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat. I want to be the old me again!
	He enters Ton's Rhinoplasty again, the women rush by, and he peeks out from behind the window. So much for looking like David Hasselhoff...
	The classroom.
Ms. Ellen	Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting.
	A commotion is heard in the hall, then Arab soldiers burst through the door and pour into the classroom with their swords drawn.
Leader	Down! Down! Everybody down!
Cartman	What the hell...?
	Everybody drops down below their desks.
Leader	So! We meet again, Ms. Ellen!
Principal Victoria	And just what is going on here, mister?
Leader	I am Hakeem Korashki, of the mighty nation of Iraq! This woman is a traitor to our government!
Ms. Ellen	It's a lie!
Korashki	She has killed thousands, and will kill again, I assure you!
Principal Victoria	Ms. Ellen, is this true?
Ms. Ellen	Nooo!
Korashki	We must take her back to Iraq immediately!
Wendy	Oh, coool!
Ms. Ellen	Principal Victoria, please.
Korashki	Here is a black-and-white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader. [Shows photo.] Her real name is Makesh Alak Makarakesh.
Principal Victoria	Well, Ms. Makaraqesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy. Take her away!
Ms. Ellen	NOOOO!!
	She grabs the scimitar away from a soldier.
Ms. Ellen	GET AWAY FROM ME!! UUGH!!
	The scimitar leaves her hand and heads for Kenny. It pierces him right above the nose, picks him up, and pins him to the back wall.
Stan	Oh my God, she killed Kenny!
Kyle	You bastard!
	Ms. Ellen is being dragged out the door by the soldeirs.
Ms. Ellen	NOOOOOOO!!
Wendy	Wow.
	The kids take their seats.
Wendy	What incredible irony.
	School entrance. helicopters are hovering around, an ambulance and Officer Barbrady hold the crowd back. Stan is standing next to Wendy.
Stan	Wow. I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive.
Wendy	Yeah, you just never know.
Stan	Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff.
Wendy	Happy Valentine's Day, Staan.
	She turns to kiss him. He turns to kiss her. Wendy's theme plays. They get closer, then...
Stan	Bluuuuch!
	Right in her mouth.
Wendy	Eeewwww!
	Wendy quickly wipes the vomit from her mouth, Stan looks away, embarrased.
Stan	Sorry.
Wendy	No, it's okay, Stan!
	Stan looks at her.
Wendy	Everything's going to be o-kay!
Kyle	Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?!
	Cartman takes a big bite out of a cardboard box.
Cartman	Yeah, dude! My mom says all I have to do is chow on this box.
	Iraqi desert. Military maneuvers are taking place. The camera stops at a rocket waiting to be launched.
Korashki	For crimes against this country, you are hereby sentenced to be shot into the center of the sun!
Ms. Ellen	Egh.
	She is moved to the rocket.
Ms. Ellen	This is all a mistake!
	She is thrown in the rocket.
Ms. Ellen	This can't be happening!
	She pops up, the rocket door is shut, and the rocket is fired up.
Ms. Ellen	Pleease! For the love of God!
Korashki	Shove off!!
	The rocket takes off and heads for the sun.
	Wendy's house, pool party
Mrs. Campbell	Wo-hoo-hoo! Great party, Wendy!
Wendy	Thanks, Mrs. Campbell. Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher.
Mrs. Campbell	Anything for you, sugar-pie!
	Wendy sees Kyle come up.
Wendy	Oh, hi, Kyle!
Kyle	I've been thinking, Wendy. This whole outcome is pretty strange.
Wendy	U-huh. Excuse me.
	Some Iraqi soldiers approach to talk to Wendy.
Wendy	Ka fahra qehlaq hemblaq!
Iraqi	Ka fahra qetlaq humblaq! [Greetings...]
Wendy	Laq hemblaq henlaq henlalah qemblaq!
Iraqi	Kuhla shaluah lakhenblaturtulah!
Wendy	Kaqemblaq!
	Wendy throws them a wad of bills.
Iraqi	Ah, laqeh blakatah!]
	They walk away miffed.
Kyle	How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly arrested for being an Iraq-
Wendy	Wait, wait!
	She throws off her sunglasses and reaches down.
Wendy	It's time to whip out the eclipse shoe-box thing!
	She puts it up to her left eye, then smiles. She is looking at the rocket fired off by the Iraqis some time earlier as it nears the sun. She sees the impact.
Wendy	Bye-bye, Ms. Ellen.
Kyle	Wendy! You didn't!
Wendy	I told her. Don't... fuck... with... Wendy... Testaburger!
	Kyle is shocked.
隆鼻手术 结束